Bear Attack Week: The Bear Lethality Index

Many arguments erupt over which bears are “best.” One can only assume that “best” means “deadliest” or “most lethal” when talking about bears. What other criteria could be used to determine which bear is best? Exactly - none.

I will traverse the vast many species of bears to discover which bear is indeed the best bear of them all.

Koala Bear - This bear ranks extremely low in lethality, due to the fact that it is neither a bear nor lethal.

Panda Bear - Panda bears are probably “capable” of killing people, but are they capable of killing other bears? The deadliest bears are. The panda is barely worth mentioning, if not for that time a zoo panda in China that mauled a teen when he jumped into “gentle Gu Gu’s” pen. What’s worse than getting attacked by a bear? Surviving and having to tell your friends it was a panda named Gu Gu.

Spectacled Bear - So named because it kind of looks like this bear’s wearing glasses. If that isn’t dis-alarming enough, this bear isn’t even thought to actually be carnivorous. No deaths have ever been reported. Weak.

Sun Bear - This bear has sharp, sickle-shaped claws and formidable teeth; quite scary. But, this bear is also only four feet long and usually weighs less than 145 pounds. Losing some cool points there, bear. This bear isn’t expected to be a threat to anybody who’s reached puberty, and, being the smallest member of the bear family, is sometimes hunted by the Asian black bear. Extra weak.

Sloth Bear - Now, this isn’t a group of bears this time, but this bear was once actually thought to be a sloth, and was known as the bear sloth. It makes one think that if it’s not “beary” enough to be thought of as a bear right off the bat, then how could it be considered for world’s deadliest bear?

Sloth bears are said (by whom I don’t know) to be the most aggressive and least predictable of all Asian bears. And the bears are deadly: during a six year period in one central Indian state, sloth bears killed 48 people. For a comparison, consider that grizzlies killed about 50 people in the whole of North America from 1900-2003.

One creature in particular, the sloth bear of Mysore, was credited with killing 12 people and mauling another 2 dozen in predominately unprovoked attacks. Survivors often lost one of both eyes, and those killed by the bear usually had their faces entirely removed from their head, usually. Sick. This bear only partially ate three people, so he was pretty much killing just for the fuck of it. The sloth bear of Mysore, and indeed all sloth bears, score pretty high on the lethalmeter.

Asian Black Bear - This bear is very similar to the American black bear, with one notable exception: excessive aggressiveness. Some “experts” say this might be due to their more frequent contact with humans, but I say it’s their revenge for the bile-harvesting from their gallbladders. Asian black bears are not fans of traditional Chinese medicine. These bears are deemed to have “above average lethality”.

American Black Bear - These cunning agents of death are known for conducting more predatory attacks than their larger cousins, the brown bears. These guys are the velociraptors of bears. In mid-1992, a black bear entered a retreat cabin occupied by Army Captain Michael Staver and his wife, Darcy. The beast crawled through the window, so Michael and Darcy climbed onto the roof, where they remained marooned. Michael, upon agreement with his wife, ran to their boat to go get help. When he returned with authorities and guns, the bear was found feasting on Darcy’s remains on the ground; it had apparently climbed a tree next to the house and forced her off the roof. From her wounds, it was seen that she had fought the bear with an intrepid spirit to no avail. Michael kept the bear as a pet; it later ate his cat.

In May, 1978, George & Mark Halfkenny and William Rhindress, 12, 14, and 16 years old, respectively, where spending a day fishing in Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada. William’s older brother, Richard, 18, had taken them out for a day of outdoor activities and other stuff. Anyway, nearing the evening hours, a black bear attacked George Halfkenny whilst he was fishing. Sneak attack, from behind. When Mark Halfkenny and William Rhindress went out to search for their comrade, they too were stalked by the murderous bear. They were both found with broken necks. Richard Rhindress then went about searching for the trio, but saw no sign of them. He left and enlisted the help of the authorities who found the bear guarding the boys’ bodies for later meals.

In August of 1993, a black bear ripped off the door to Colin McClelland’s trailer then crushed his skull. When the brute strength of a bear is tied to the tenacity of a bear and the cunning of a bear, then you have a very dangerous bear. You then have an American Black Bear.

Polar Bears - These bears are, on average, the largest specimens. Certain subspecies of the brown bear may reach sizes that exceed polar bears, but the average brown bear should be slightly smaller than a polar bear. Polar bears have distinctly shaped claws that help them grip the ice and capture their large prey. These claws are designed for killing more so than any another bear. Also, the polar bear’s canines are the largest and sharpest of any bear, although the polar bear’s jaw is usually smaller than a brown bear’s. Polar bear attacks are pretty rare, but they are almost always lethal, as opposed to Brown bears, who typically just maul a person and walk away, whether or not they killed you. The polar bear’s large size, specially made “deathclaws” and “murderteef,” added with it’s tendency to totally go sickhouse on somebody’s ass, gives them a high lethality index.

Brown Bears - The largest of the brown bears are the largest of the bears, period. Kodiak grizzlies and their close cousins, the Kamchatka grizzlies, regularly approach sizes equaling or exceeding that of polar bears. These bears rarely turn into man-eaters, but killing you and leaving you by the wayside might just be more brutal.

In the spring of 1987, Charles Gibbs was photographing a female with cubs in Glacier National Park. This was the last time he was seen alive. Investigators did recover his camera, and developed film of the bear approaching in attack mode at 50 yards. That’s some serious Bear Witch Project shit right there.

Audelio Luis Cortes was working in Alaska with a seismic crew in February of 1998, when a brown bear killed him with a single bite to the head. Viciously brutal.

Julie Helgeson was 19 in the summer of 1967, when she decided to go camping in Glacier National Park. Around the same time, a grizzly decided to drag her sleeping bag from her tent into the woods. Julie’s problem was that she was inside the sleeping bag. The bear did not like this.

Conclusion - Which bear is best deadliest? While Asian black bears and sloth bears score high marks in the number of fatalities, they cannot be regarded as the best bears because they are not apex predators. Asian black bears could account for up to 7% of Siberian tigers’ diets where the two animals live together. Sloth bears are even worse when it comes to being eaten by other animals.

That pretty much narrows it down to the American black bear, the brown bear, and the polar bear. American black bears tend to be more predatory towards people than brown bears, but there’s nearly ten times more black bears than brown ones in North America, and black bears don’t create a significantly greater amount of fatalities to demonstrate this. Hell, half the time brown bears aren’t even trying to kill people, it just happens accidentally when you go into their mechanic shop and they give you a total overmaul. Also, head to head, brown bears beat black bears like silly billies. Killings of black bears by brown ones are extremely rare, but do occur.

So how’s brownie compare to the polar bear? Both bears are extremely well suited for killing people, but brown bears do it more often. Score one there. Brown bears and polar bears don’t interact too often, but brown bears tend to dominate polar bears in disputes over carcasses. That being said, I crown the brown bear as The Best Bear.

Added bonus points: brown bears have reportedly eaten panda bears. Check it out in the Great Bear Almanac.

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Sloth

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear Sloth
Could also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then - and this is the terrifying part - multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30″ be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the Bears

The inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.

A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

Bear Attack Week: Beating Your Bear

No, that’s not a euphemism for masturbating the male sex organ; neither yours nor the bear’s. Quite simply, it is how to how to defeat your bear in battle.

Now, a lot of “experts” will tell you to play dead, and maybe the bear will just get bored and leave you alone. Sounds probable, right? Well, that might be the way some surrender monkeys do it, but I advise otherwise. Think of a bear as Hitler. Did Hitler get bored with conquering Europe when other countries let him annex Austria and Czechoslovakia, even though Germany was explicitly forbidden to do so? No, and that’s exactly my point - an attacking bear, much like an attacking Hitler, must be fought back against.

A lot of people might be thinking, “I can’t beat up a bear.” That’s okay; in fact, over 98% of people can’t beat up even a lousy black bear, let alone a grizzly or polar variety bear. But you don’t actually have to beat up the bear, you just have to fight it a little bit. Bears are incredibly lazy animals, and they make even worse off as fathers. Mother bears rarely get there allotted court ordered cub support. Deadbeat motherfuckers. Anyway, since bears have this incredible laziness about them, they usually won’t go through with a fight. I.E., if the bear sees that you’re fighting back, it’ll probably just give up.

And you don’t have to be strong or in great shape to do it, either. Look at the case of Steve Bartley, from Springfield, Oregon, who used his bare hands (terrible pun) to fight off the largest grizzly seen in Yellowstone in 30 years. Impressive. Added to that is the fact that Bartley is a 59 year old man; he’s probably not in his peak physical condition. He looks like John McCain could beat him up. Here, here’s a picture.

Below: Steve Bartley

Kid Rock wrote a song about you, brotha-man.

Some people might say “Hey, I know Steve, and that guy’s a total badass. In fact, he’s mastered four different martial arts, not including a fifth fighting technique called ‘Grizzly Annihilation’ that he spent three years learning from ninjas in their super secret underwater ninja academy. Plus I once saw him crush an apple with one hand, but granted that was a few years ago.” Well that all may or may not be true, but you don’t even have to be as smart or as badassed as Sensei Bartley-sama here. Take the following example.

Devon Rees, some 18 year old dumbass from Alaska was recently mauled while walking home from a friend’s house. Now, before I get a bunch of comments from angry Alaskans I just want to say one thing: Yes, he was probably birthed from an incestuous relationship as well. Just kidding, but seriously though, this guy was an idiot (and it probably didn’t have anything to do with him being from Alaska). Rees was walking at night, when he reportedly “couldn’t see a thing” on a trail where bears had been spotted “every night,” according to Rees’ uncle, the good Mr. Dr. Rev. R.J. Jones.

Now I’m surprised that Rees didn’t just play dead, considering the context of his stupidity, but in his defense, he was smart enough to fight back against the bear. Eventually, the bear left, making all in the crowd believe that Rees had in fact won the fight. Controversy erupted, however, when local police lieutenant Paul Honeman scored the fight as a “tie.” Rees told reporters that he “earned [his] bragging rights” by fighting the bear, adding “I bet I’ll get a ton of pussy, first from sympathy for my wounds, then later for the recognition of my gallant bravery, for women will realize that I can also protect them while we walk down bear-laden trails through the pitch black darkness of the night.” Rees then added, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll just become a pizza delivery boy or a T.V. repairman.”

So there you go; just about anybody can defeat a bear in close combat. And by “defeat” I simply mean “prevent death from,” so just insert it into the previous sentence as applicable. And, if you lose a fight to a bear and it kills you, don’t feel bad. Just remember: hey, it’s a fucking bear - you weren’t supposed to win.

Introducing “Bear Attack Week”

That’s right, I’m doing something that the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet never had the balls to do: I’m dedicating an entire week of output to nothing but stories of bear attacks. Fuck yeah!

Sure, there’s Shark Week, and there’s Animal Cops: Dangerous Game, and there’s even that HBO show Ravenous Wolves Attack Old Man, but trust me, none of it will be as brutal as what I will put forth this coming week.

There will be laughter, there will be tears, and there will be blood. Most of it will be blood. We are talking about bears, of course. They can cause a person to bleed.

Now, I understand that with this there will be a demand for other attack weeks, such as “Cougar Attack Week” or “Mountain Lion Attack Week”, or even “Puma Attack Week”, but until animals like these get the cojones to rise up against their domineering cousin, the homo sapiens sapiens, I will not feature attack weeks for them. Well, maybe I will. We’ll see.

Sleep tight, readers.

Sunday Spotlight: The Sunday Spotlight

For weeks I published the Sunday Spotlight once the 2007-2008 NFL season had ended. I had promised to deliver one Sunday Spotlight every Sunday until the games began again. This did not happen.

Instead, I published a mere eight of the football inspired posts. That’s kind of disappointing, but hey, I don’t see you out there writing about football.

Well, the 2008 NFL season has started, albeit just the preseason. Nevertheless, this is the last of the Sunday Spotlights for the time being. Like Brett Favre, it is time to retire. And, also like Favre, they will likely return next year, even if some people don’t want the Sunday Spotlight hanging around, and getting in Aaron Rodgers’ way.

Machine (Comma) White Noise

No, my friends, this isn’t a machine that pumps out shitty movies based on Don DeLillo novels - It’s something far more virtuous. And it’s actually less stupid, if you can believe that.

No, this isn’t one of those things that roves around vacuuming
your floor, and you probably can’t redesign it to suck you off.

Behold! You are now held witness to the greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the pillow! What does it do, you ask? Why, it makes noise sir! Ahem, or ma’am.

See, what you, the innocent consumer, don’t know is that during the night there’s a lot of unwanted or even disturbing noises. Ya know, stuff like passing traffic, cats fighting, newly-orphaned children crying, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, for example. And how can you get a restful night’s sleep with all the ruckus of man’s destruction going on in the background? You’ve got to mask that noise good sir, with more noise. Or ma’am.

Now, some people sleep with fans or air conditioners on. But the thing is, they, the other innocent potential consumers, just don’t realize that those noises are also distracting. So it’s not actually helping you, even if you think it’s helping you. Just about the only thing that can put your ears and mind to rest whilst preparing for sleep is this provocatively groovy white noise machine. And how can you be certain it’s provocatively groovy? Because it’s advertised on vat19.com, and they attest that they are “purveyors of curiously awesome products”. So pretty much the same thing.

But that picture up above? Doesn’t look so curiously awesome; I think it could use a little ‘zazz. Behold! You are now held witness to the even better, new and improved greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the stupid fucking pillow! … :

Oh no! I am also aware of my tongue!

Ahem…

Break’s over guys… Seriously, I mean it this time.

Actual post tomorrow.

Sunday Spotlight: IAFL Update

Well, it seems I got a lot of support from members within the Irish American Football League concerning my original post about them awhile back. A couple of people even posted a link to my web log to some threads concerning the IAFL, including Coach Al from the Dublin Dragons, an IAFL developmental team, who referred to my post as a “little history lesson”. Thanks for the support, guys.

As for that big game between the Dublin Rebels and the Cork Admirals? The Admirals won, 6-0 on a 70 yard pass from David Lomasney to Matteo Spada. Just for the record, “Matteo Spada” doesn’t sound like a very Irish name, now does it? (Or is it actually more Irish because it’s Gaelic? I don’t really know anything about that language, but if that’s the case, then why isn’t he playing Gaelic Football?) In any case, Dublin Rebels, you might want to look into this guy’s background and see if you can’t get him deported… Maybe to Estonia. That’ll show him.

Despite this win, the Admirals do not have a perfect record. They have lost twice to those damned University of Limerick Vikings. Fucking Vikings! And those dudes are undefeated. But is their dominance unquestioned throughout the Irish sub-sub-continent? Nay! For they have yet to play the Dublin Rebels this year. But best believe that on June 22nd, these two foes shall meet in what is being dubbed by many (starting now) to be Shamrock Bowl 21-and-a-half. Boo yeah!

Who will emerge victorious and, therefore, the favorite to take home the title August 10th at Shamrock Bowl XXII? It’s a tough call, though the Vikings will have homefield advantage, but the Rebels have been known to bring books of haikus to offset the power of the Limerick. I’m saying this one’s too close to call.

In other news, I am going to go ahead and mark my full endorsement on the DV8 team the Dublin Dragons based on Coach Al’s support, despite the fact that they are only 2-4. Keep working hard, boys, and climb that figurative mountain of football destiny!

I’ll likely make a Shamrock Bowl XXII pregame analysis and prediction post on August 9th, but until then, keep yourself updated with the IAFL’s official website.

Remote (Comma) Jumbo Universal

We used to live in a time where bigger meant better, and everybody strove for bigger TVs, bigger cars, and bigger steaks. But then those “convenience” and “economical” fads started to take off and left us with mini-laptops, hybrids, and supermodels. In a brave effort to reverse the trend and set us back on the right track of needlessly wasting materials and resources on larger products, one courageous company, Innovage, has taken a step forward. Ladies and gentlemans, may I present to you the Jumbo Universal Remote Control.

Below: A True “Texas-Sized” Remote, If You Will

“Texas-Sized” because it’s the only remote that can
match the size of a true Texan’s overinflated ego.

And that’s not some kid’s hand (or even a woman’s) - note the hair. That’s a good look for a hand model.

Now, normally one wouldn’t tote some comically oversized device as being convenient, but this truly is. First of all, it’s too big to lose, unless you’re like me and own one of the seven jumbo recliners originally designed for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I’ve lost this thing several times in that chair, so be bery very wary.

Also, it’s so big that even old people can use it. Plus, it’s extra soft buttons will keep your elders from hurting themselves, not like regular remotes with firmer buttons that have been known to poke people’s eyes out.*

*May not be a true statement.

But it’s biggest advantage is that, according to the manufacturer, it can be programmed to control up to eight devices, so it conserves space. Think of it as owning a bus instead of owning eight family sedans; isn’t that more convenient? I thought so.

Now, some critics might point out to you that the remote only has five function buttons at the top (instead of eight), and that you have to use two hands to use it, and that it takes six D cell batteries, and that the infrared laser has been known to cause blindness and severe skin burns, and that it emits excess radiation that’s dangerous to small children and pregnant women, BUT HEY NAYSAYERS, STOP TRYING TO RAIN ON EVERYBODY’S PARADE!!!1!one!

Sorry for yelling, I just felt it necessary.

Seriously though, don’t point this at anybody’s face and keep it out of reach of small children.

All she wants for Christmas is her eyesight back.

Thou Hast Crossed-eth Me! I mean, Thee…!

“What seems to be the problem Officer… ‘Douchebag’? Is that right? Huh, funny last name.” Those would have been prime words to say had I been there when Sergeant Brown wrote me a parking ticket. Of course, I probably wouldn’t have said them, but they still would’ve been the prime words that I’d like to say, so I’m stickin’ with it.

And of course, a parking ticket isn’t really a big deal, especially if you’re like me and have never been pulled over, let alone had a previous ticket to speak of. And to top that, it’s a non-moving violation, so, really, no biggie.

But the $100 fine is sort of a big deal, especialmente if you’re like moi and it’s well over what you make in a day.

But that’s not even the part that really stings. And I mean like a swarm of angry Africanized killer bees… with zombie stingers. Whoa, watch out.

The part that really gets me is that for months (okay, for the one month that I’ve lived here) anybody and their brother (and perhaps other siblings) could park just about wherever they liked to, “No Parking” signs and yellow curbs be damned! But then, one day I get a car, and, to be painfully fair, I did park in the vicinity of a “No Parking” sign. BUT, it wasn’t right next to it, there was no yellow on the curb, and the alternative spot of choice was next to a fire hydrant.

So now I’ve got this car for less than 24 hours and I go outside and lo and behold! a parking ticket.

And now I must ask into the void that is the interweb: why, why Sergeant Brown did you chose to actually do your job on the one fucking day I own a car on this Godforsaken scorched piece of earth we collectively call an army base? Fuck you, and I mean that sternly. <extreme (and I mean extreme) sarcasm> But oh no! You were just doing your job, this one time anyway. I mean, who cares if my roommate parks his Colorado on the crosswalk and my friend down the hall parks his Explorer in front of the fire hydrant? I mean, damn those are both American cars, B, and besides, they’ve owned their cars for more than a whole day. Oh, and they’ve parked there so many times, they’re practically grandfathered in. Did you tell your wife and kids what you did? They must be proud. “Yay! Daddy wrote somebody a ticket and is taking away some of that person’s money because, despite what was perceived by the general populous of the area to be complete lack of competence by the MPs in enforcing the parking standards, he decided to do his job today! Hooray for daddy!” Yep, just wouldn’t be able to win the War on Terror without you taking away some of my money. </sarcasm>

I’ll see you in court, fucker, just as soon as I rip those “No Parking” signs out of the ground and take pictures of the side street. Sucka.