AP Wire: San Francisco Moves to Iowa

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Peter Ashurst came to Iowa with his partner, Brian Brandert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Ashurst. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Ashurst joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Brandert. Ashurst agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ “

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine “suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

CDC: Swine Flu Has Mutated into Zombie “Super Virus”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ‘28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ’super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

The 100th Post Spectacular Extravaganza Divertissement Special

Welcome to the 100th post (not counting pages) on The Potvin Newsly. It only took me well over a year.

Originally, when I started this damn, lovable thing, I was in Kuwait and I had way too much free time on my hands. I made posts regularly.

Then I came back to the United States. Things changed. I was suddenly not so bored and writing to pass the time. Now I had to get myself to write for the sake of writing. It’s tough man – real tough. I am disappointed with myself and how long it took to reach 100 posts. I am trying to vow for 100 posts per year from this point – and that’s not actually hard when you think about it. It’s slightly less than two per week.

Man I suck.

I will now bring you an insider’s look at The Potvin Newsly. First, some stats.

Most Viewed Posts

1. Chernobyl Goes Record Sixth Day Without Zombie Attack
2. Bobby “Psycho” Fischer Dead at 64
3. Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María Jesús González
4. Bear Survival Kit
5. Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA
6. Bear Attack Week: Bear Lethality Index

All of those have over 1,000 views, and How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian is nearly in that group with 981 views at the time of this post being published. This clearly tells me what the readers want: Zombies, Psychos, Serial Killers, and Bears. Without even trying that hard, I’ve established clearly the most brutal blog on the internet. Permission granted to bow to my superiority.

Comments. Comments are always welcome here on The Potvin Newsly, even if they are combative, cordially demeaning, lack capitalization, come from Ireland, are way off topic, or irrelevantly disgusting, are contrived and directionless, lack grammar and punctuation, or are just generally retarded. I’ve only ever denied one comment, and that was because it was about a page and a half long and was about as hard on the Jews as Egypt. The ancient one.

One of my favorite things that has happened, several times, during the course of the first 100 posts, is the response I get from fake news stories. Even though the stories are listed with the tag “Fake News” they still get reported as true by some people. Often times threads are started on faraway websites because of the fake news I post – sometimes in a foreign langue (scary). And some people were very upset (and confused) when they heard that an 11 year old boy was arrested for being an accomplice to murder when his aunt shot and killed a doctor with his spudgun.

So that’s the jist of the cool stuff. See a more candid look at The Potvin Newsly by checking out the 200th Post.

Loves

There are few things as worthless as a writer in love. Perhaps a Fig Newton wearing a wristwatch is comparable. People might think that a writer in love has an advantage, as writing does need inspiration, and what’s more inspiring than love?

Poppycock, I say! Writers in love are lethargic, miserable beings. They aren’t inspired; they’re consumed. You know the thought of “two lovers being one”? Isn’t that the same as saying you’re half the person you used to be? Still, people can argue that a writer in love is a writer with his/her priorities set.

Hogwash, I say! Someone in love has their priorities skewed, I promise you. They don’t understand the importance of much, least of rationality. And if you can’t rationalize, then you can’t relate. This does occasionally work when you write to an audience who feels they can’t relate to anyone else, like teenagers. R.L. Stine, you whacked out fucking genius… He must be a great writer.

Poppywash, I say! He’s a marginal writer at best. But still way more famous than me. And the tragic part is he doesn’t even seem to be held captive by love’s hold; he’s just a bad writer. Not that I’m here to pick on Stine. There are thousands of shitty writers getting published all the time. I’m just mentioning him because I’ve owned and read many of his works.

Now some writers do have their best works come out of them when they are absorbed into a relationship. But this “best work” comes out of the most fucked up relationships, quite honestly. Or it comes when the two have split, and one’s ego must meet one’s humility – then let the writing begin. So being in love can be good for a writer – either your fucked up relationship gets you to type out fantastic manuscripts, or your heart-wrenching breakup does.

Hogcock, I say. Being in love is bad for being a writer. Still, right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[What a shitty post this turned out to be. Man, I really am a bad writer now. - Author]

How to: Make a ‘Recession Proof’ Résumé

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résumé for real.

1. Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.
2. Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.
3. Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.
4. Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.
5. Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

Lucrative careers like this are just waiting to be snatched up.

Flower Club’s Logo Looks a Lot Like AIDS Virus

TORONTO, Canada -  The long heralded and highly respected Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club recently changed their logo to an item that looks suspiciously similar to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, more commonly known as HIV.  Club President Carl Westcott denies using the image of the virus responsible for the AIDS epidemic as his clubs new international symbol. “Our logo is simply a beautiful flower,” Westcott said. ”Obviously, it does not occur in nature, but it is a ‘concept’ flower, if you will.”

Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, offers a different perspective. ”It’s pretty obvious that they just took our website’s diagram of the AIDS virus. They took off all the tags identifying the parts of the virus and just added their name to it.” Dr. Gerberding added, “This is not just copyright infringement; it’s incredibly morbid.”

Below: The AIDS Virus

Below: The Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club’s New Logo

Westcott called the accusations “ridiculous.” The logo was specifically designed to accentuate meaning in the club’s history, he said. “The outer ring of purple tulips represents the short lived yet incredibly violent ‘Tulip Revolution’ when a small group of Toronto separatists almost seized control of the city for a few hours in 1864.” Westcott went on to describe the rings of blue dots as “a ring of blue bells surrounding an enclave of pansies, inside which decorative, mangled dafidils are placed.” Westcott went on to describe the image to be “utterly beautiful” and a “perfect representation” of the club.

Still, others are not so convinced. Gabe Utsekcs, a flower enthusiast in the Toronto area, is also diagnosed with full blown AIDS, and he isn’t so sure about the logo. “On the one hand, I do think it is beautiful,” said Utsecks. “But on the other hand, it is a painfully tragic reminder of my terminal condition.” When asked whether the club should rescind the logo, Utsekcs contracted Kaposi’s sarcoma.

Report: Losing May Have Saved McCain’s Life

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”

Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”

Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”

John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”

“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”

To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.

Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
On the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”

Below: Former President George Walker Bush
On the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”

Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
On the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.

[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. - Author]

[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore's work, but was created independently. I found Moore's page while searching for 'before & after' photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. - Author]

Florida Gators Win NCAA Battle of the Bands

MIAMI, Florida – The University of Florida won their second NCAA Battle of the Bands National Championship in three years by defeating Oklahoma in the final competition last Thursday night. Lead guitarist Tim Tebow was largely credited with the accomplishment, as he gave a clutch performance in the second half of his band’s set. Oklahoma’s lead guitarist, Sam Bradford, gave a disappointing performance when the battle was on the line. Bradford was awarded this year’s Hendrix Trophy, an award bestowed upon college music’s best musician as judged by the Downtown Rockabilly Club. Many consider the Hendrix to be college music’s trophy for best guitarist, however, as few percussionists are ever considered for the accolade.

Tebow won the Hendrix just a year ago, and was a finalist for the honor this year. Bradford won it instead, but many on the Florida band felt that Tebow deserved the award more. “It’ pretty obvious now who the number one guitarist in the nation is,” said Gators bass player Percy Harvin. “Tebow, just call him superman,” he added. Harvin, who played with an injured wrist, had a fantastic showing, confusing the Sooners band all night as he syncopated quarter notes in a walking baseline, and routinely switch from 4/4 measure to a 7/4 measure.

Tebow seemed to will his band to victory in their second breakdown, near the fourth stanza. Tebow played a set of rhythmically oriented riffs on open strings, then contrasted them with second interval dissonant chords and pinch harmonics. When their set was almost over, Tebow jumped in the air and threw his pick into the crowd, where it was promptly caught by David Nelson.

Gators band manager Urban Meyer told reporters after the contest, “We’re going to enjoy the national championship. The Gators are number one.” Defeated Oklahoma manager Bob Stoops said, “In the end, I’ll be glad to try again next year. If that’s the biggest burden I have to bear in my life, I’m a pretty lucky guy.”

Many speculate if Tebow or Bradford will return to play lead guitar their senior year. “I can see Bradford leaving early to play professionally,” said ESPN Band Analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.  “I think he’s got what it takes, and a lot of bands out there could use a guitarist that has that kind of pitch recognition.” In regards to Tebow, however, “I really think the kid should stay in school.” Kiper suggested that Tebow would have very limited success at lead guitar professionally, and even added that many bands would rather look at Tebow as a bass player. “If he tries to go in as a lead [guitarist] like Eric Crouch did in 2002, [Tebow] will probably wind up being a backup rhythm guitarist, or even end up as a roadie for a Canadian band.”

Jerry Jones to Buy Arizona Cardinals

DALLAS, Texas – Jerry Jones, the much publicized owner of the Dallas Cowboys, revealed in a press conference on Monday that he plans to purchase the Arizona Cardinals before the Super Bowl. Jones says he expects the transaction to be completed before next week.

“I will present unprecedented sums of money to the Bidwells in order to purchase their team, the Super Bowl bound Arizona Cardinals,” Jones said in front of a party of reporters. “Upon the purchase of the Cardinals, they will immediately be known as the Dallas Cowboys. At long last, I have succeeded in bringing the Dallas Cowboys back to football’s biggest game. Everybody look at me!”

When asked what Jones would do with the original, real Dallas Cowboys, Jones stated, “I’ll just send them to play minor league baseball until they’re ready to play in the big leagues again.” One reporter asked Jones what he would do if Cardinals Owner Bill Bidwell refused to sell his team to Jones. “Refuse to sell his team to me?” Jones exclaimed in a confused southern drawl. “I don’t know if you realize who it is you’re talkin’ to, buddy. I am Jerry Jones. Thee Jerry Jones. I’m no more likely to be refused than the King of England.”

Jones was also asked what he would do if the Steelers were to win Super Bowl XLIII. “Well, I’ll still probably have enough money left over to buy them, though I’ll have to give up on my dreams of buying the University of Arkansas and expunging that bastard Jimmy Johnson’s name from the records there.” Jones also noted that such a bold move of acquiring and combining three teams and their histories would make the Dallas Cowboys the first team to beat themselves in four separate Super Bowls.