Potvin Newsly

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Giants Avenging Regular Season Losses

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – The New York Giants avenged three of their regular season losses in the playoffs by beating Dallas, who they lost to twice, in the divisional playoffs and by defeating the Green Bay Packers Sunday in the NFC Championship game. But the Giants also avenged another much less publicized loss this year, by receiving permission from the NFL to conduct an exhibition game in Week 9, their off week.

In mid-September of this year, a remotely controlled model airplane was flown into Giants stadium and suicide-attacked Giants General Manager Jerry Reese and, witnesses claim, quarterback Eli Manning and defensive end Michael Strahan. Manning and Strahan were not injured during the incident, but Reese suffered severe injuries and was kept on life support in critical condition at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Reese was able to recover, but was kept out-of-the-loop for several weeks while nursing his wounds.

“At first we thought it was some rowdy Jets fans,” said head coach Tom Coughlin. “They usually do stuff like that. One time they left a flaming bag of dog shit outside my office. I ruined some good game-day loafers. But this was much more serious; They tried to take out the faces of our franchise as well as crippling our trading ability. This was a symbolic and economic attack.”

Giants co-owner John Mara told reporters “Well, I immediately thought it was those fucking Patriots. One time, they put pipe bombs in our locker rooms, but Bill Belichick later told us it was for the Jets players. But still, I wouldn’t put it past them to try this on us when they knew we’d be the last stop in the road for their bid of an undefeated regular season. [Co-owner] Steve [Tisch] thought it was Belichick, too.”

The Giants organization was shocked, however, when Al-Qaida, the terrorist organization, claimed responsibility for the attack. Head coach Tom Coughlin immediately took action on the behalf of angry fans, telling them in a press conference “I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked this general manager down will hear all of us soon.” Coughlin also told the fans about the failed attempt on Manning, adding “Our enemies have made the mistake that the Giants’ enemies always make. They saw Eli [Manning] and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat.” Many questioned this statement, citing that Manning may, in fact, be a weakness, but his performances in the playoffs have been anything but weak, fulfilling Coughlin’s prophecy.

Coughlin worked with the NFL to schedule an exhibition game against Al-Qaida, and his request was granted. On November 4th, during their bye week, the Giants flew to Kabul, Afghanistan for perhaps their most meaningful game at that point in the season. However, approximately 10 minutes before the Al-Qaida Jihadists were to take the field, their locker room was ambushed by two squads of U.S. Marines. Being told by the NFL to either play or forfeit, the Jihadists took the field with two detainees who were blindfolded, cuffed, and shackled, along with nine corpses. The Giants easily manhandled the Jihadists in their revenge effort, and won 62-0. They were accused by some of running up the score.

The U.N., appalled by such a show of force, attempted to place sanctions and embargoes on the Giants, but these were quickly negated by the much more powerful NFL front office.

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