[Note: This post authored by Phil, and I present the work on his behalf.]
BAGHDAD, Iraq – Firas Anwar Al-Kashif, 28, was brought on record this week upon demanding that he be treated “just as poorly” as darker-skinned Iraqis in custody at an unamed detention facility controlled by the U.S. military. “When I had heard about the Equal Opportunity policy offered by Americans, I asked myself: ‘why must I be subjected to jumper-cable nipple-clamps while wearing underwear, when my naked bretheren shit their pants when confronted with enraged police dogs?’” reflected Al-Kashif on Wednesday. “I also hate the fact that I have to wear the tan burlap hood with eye-holes, while others are forced to wear black or dark brown hoods, usually filled with scorpions.”
Brigadier General Mark Cornwall, Chief of Detainee Operations, was not available for comment, however Pvt. First Class Abraham Jensen was more than happy to answer questions promptly. “I seriously thought [Al-Kashif] was this Mexican kink that worked in finance. No idea [sic] that he was a real detainee,” Jensen admitted. Staff Sergeant Yolanda Ruth also offered, “He responded so well to the ‘used anal-bead face-whipping’ that we felt positive reinforcement was the only course of action.”
In a country where racisim is on the decline (Iraq, not America) it becomes important for the United States to put its “least fucked-up foot forward”. Thankfully, today’s Equal Employment Opportunity is not without representation within our military ranks. The issue raised is to whom or where does it apply? Al-Kashif is the first detainee to ask this question from the recieving end, so-to-speak.