Cop Killed Two Days After Retirement

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ — Marvin Pendergast, a former police officer who retired only two days ago, was killed in a boating accident near his new home in Lake Havasu City.

Pendergast spent over 30 years working for the Los Angeles Police Department, serving most of his years as a detective belittled by the majority of his coworkers. Pendergast was known best for chasing down recently unemployed and divorced middle class white men rampaging across the City of Angels in search for answers and retribution for their failed lives, often with Pendergast shooting the individuals at Manhattan Beach Pier.

Pendergast did inexplicably reach retirement, however, and moved with his wife to Lake Havasu City, the couple’s planned retirement spot. Pendergast bought a yacht as per his retirement plan, but never learned how to operate waterborne vessels properly as even he himself fully expected to be a corpse before retiring. Tragically, his inept boating skills caused the accident as he careened the yacht into the Parker Dam.

“When his retirement was coming up, [Pendergast's coworkers] were always joking that he’d die before he was able to call it quits,” said Detective Sanchez, an officer who worked with Pendergast over the years, and who also constantly put cat litter in Pendergast’s desk drawer. “Once I heard he died only two days after retirement,” Sanchez continued, “I was like, ‘Oh, I guess nobody ever thinks about that too much.’ Still tragic, I guess, but not as tragic.”

Amanda Pendergast, the victim’s wife, stated that she fully expected her husband to be dead before retiring as well. “The day after he retired I was sort of relieved, sort of disappointed,” said Amanda. “I’m not actually too upset right now because I had been mentally preparing this for years. I even had a new love interest set up for my husband’s tragically timely death which is now somewhat less timely.”

Captain Yardley, Pendergast’s officer in charge for many of his final years of service, called his death “unavoidable”. “Sure he was able to escape death’s cold grasp before he retired,” Yardley reasoned, “but this obviously threw the universe out of whack. Policemen dying right before they retire is both a rite of passage and completely out of everyone’s control.”

Yardley questioned if Pendergast’s death was actually an accident or if Pendergast was ultimately murdered by “the creepy Thanatos-premonition thing” from the 2000 film Final Destination.

Yardley reflected on the greater relationship between all policemen and dying before retirement, saying “We all [police officers] know that when we sign up, we’re not just here to protect and serve. We’re also here to die tragic deaths before we complete out legacy of work, usually immediately after sharing our long-thought-out plans for our golden years with a younger partner, likely in the squad car before what is thought to be a ‘routine’ traffic stop, or perhaps at a diner that is, unbeknownst to us, filled with assassins hired by the mob to kill the lead detectives threatening said mob’s existence.”

Stoner Has Difficulty Describing Lost Item

MINNEAPOLIS — A local stoner had a difficult time describing a lost item to his friends in an unsuccessful bid to find said item.

Jesse Ardennes, 28, who works at a construction company specializing in floor tiles, told his friends that he couldn’t remember when or where he last saw the item, though he was pretty sure it was important.

“We were just hanging out over at his house,” said Ardennes’ friend, Dustin Duetenmeyer, 27. “He was like, ‘Let’s fire up the bong’ and we were like, ‘Okay’ but then he was like, ‘Oh, wait. Wait – wait. I think I lost something.’ ” Ardennes then repeatedly told his friends, “Yeah I definitely lost something.”

“And we were like, ‘What did you lose, man?’ ” said Philip Hoyer, another one of Ardennes’ friends who was at the scene. ” ‘What’d you lose?’ And he just kept saying, ‘Uh, a thing, dude. It was this thing, and uh, I think I lost it. No, no, I definitely lost it.’ “

Ardennes went on to describe the item has having a certain size that he could not recall, and also a particular shape that he would recognize if he could only see it. “It’s probably around here somewhere. Oh wait, I know where it is,” Ardennes reportedly told his friends while rushing into his bedroom, only to return empty-handed and sullen.

Ardennes was not sure if he had tasted the object or not, though he did remark that it felt like “one of those things that makes your fingers feel like, you know, you’re touching stuff.”

Ardennes also remarked that the missing article was at least one color, but maybe more, as he wasn’t sure. “Fuck, what the fuck are those things called?” Ardennes soured. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

When asked by his friends who Ardennes was referring to, he remarked, “That guy, you know. I think his name is Tom. Or Fred. You know who I’m talking about, right?”

Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.

Duetenmeyer then asked his friend if the item was possibly located in his car, to which Ardennes replied, “Dude, maybe it was my car.” Ardennes reportedly took a “mega-hit” off his bong then stated, “No, wait, it’s not my car. It’s um, it’s uh, one of those things that you can buy from that one place.”

Ardennes is still reportedly searching for the object, aggravating his friends, and forcing Alzheimer’s upon himself.

St. Louis Rams Drop Down to Conference USA

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.

Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.

“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”

“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”

Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”

Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”

Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

Lady Gaga: I Too Have Internal Testicles

NEW YORK — In a press announcement that shocked the pop music world to its core, Lady Gaga told the world that she has internal testicles.

Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, has been one of the biggest musical artists of 2009, selling over 20 million digital singles and 3 million albums worldwide. She garnered critical and commercial success with the release of her album The Fame released in August of 2008. Since then she has been nominated for and won many awards and accolades, making herself one of the biggest names in music.

Lady Gaga told reporters that she compelled to come clean after witnessing “the whole [Caster] Semenya mess.” Semenya, a South African world champion middle-distance runner had questions raised about her gender after taking the gold medal at the 2009 World Championships in Athletics. “I just saw the way she was treated and how the whole thing has been blown way out of porportion,” Lady Gaga told her audience.

Lady Gaga said that she would return her TMF award for Best Female Artist. “I have internal testicles,” she said, “and the increased testosterone may have given me an unfair competitive advantage that allows me to jump higher, run faster, and earn more money on average than my truly female counterparts.”

Lady Gaga also revealed at the conference that she is part Neptunian.

AP Wire: San Francisco Moves to Iowa

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Peter Ashurst came to Iowa with his partner, Brian Brandert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Ashurst. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Ashurst joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Brandert. Ashurst agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ “

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”

CDC: Swine Flu Has Mutated into Zombie “Super Virus”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ‘28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ’super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

Flower Club’s Logo Looks a Lot Like AIDS Virus

TORONTO, Canada -  The long heralded and highly respected Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club recently changed their logo to an item that looks suspiciously similar to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, more commonly known as HIV.  Club President Carl Westcott denies using the image of the virus responsible for the AIDS epidemic as his clubs new international symbol. “Our logo is simply a beautiful flower,” Westcott said. ”Obviously, it does not occur in nature, but it is a ‘concept’ flower, if you will.”

Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, offers a different perspective. ”It’s pretty obvious that they just took our website’s diagram of the AIDS virus. They took off all the tags identifying the parts of the virus and just added their name to it.” Dr. Gerberding added, “This is not just copyright infringement; it’s incredibly morbid.”

Below: The AIDS Virus

Below: The Canadian Bicentennial Flower Club’s New Logo

Westcott called the accusations “ridiculous.” The logo was specifically designed to accentuate meaning in the club’s history, he said. “The outer ring of purple tulips represents the short lived yet incredibly violent ‘Tulip Revolution’ when a small group of Toronto separatists almost seized control of the city for a few hours in 1864.” Westcott went on to describe the rings of blue dots as “a ring of blue bells surrounding an enclave of pansies, inside which decorative, mangled dafidils are placed.” Westcott went on to describe the image to be “utterly beautiful” and a “perfect representation” of the club.

Still, others are not so convinced. Gabe Utsekcs, a flower enthusiast in the Toronto area, is also diagnosed with full blown AIDS, and he isn’t so sure about the logo. “On the one hand, I do think it is beautiful,” said Utsecks. “But on the other hand, it is a painfully tragic reminder of my terminal condition.” When asked whether the club should rescind the logo, Utsekcs contracted Kaposi’s sarcoma.

Report: Losing May Have Saved McCain’s Life

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”

Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”

Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”

John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”

“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”

To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.

Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
On the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”

Below: Former President George Walker Bush
On the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”

Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
On the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.

[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. - Author]

[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore's work, but was created independently. I found Moore's page while searching for 'before & after' photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. - Author]

Florida Gators Win NCAA Battle of the Bands

MIAMI, Florida – The University of Florida won their second NCAA Battle of the Bands National Championship in three years by defeating Oklahoma in the final competition last Thursday night. Lead guitarist Tim Tebow was largely credited with the accomplishment, as he gave a clutch performance in the second half of his band’s set. Oklahoma’s lead guitarist, Sam Bradford, gave a disappointing performance when the battle was on the line. Bradford was awarded this year’s Hendrix Trophy, an award bestowed upon college music’s best musician as judged by the Downtown Rockabilly Club. Many consider the Hendrix to be college music’s trophy for best guitarist, however, as few percussionists are ever considered for the accolade.

Tebow won the Hendrix just a year ago, and was a finalist for the honor this year. Bradford won it instead, but many on the Florida band felt that Tebow deserved the award more. “It’ pretty obvious now who the number one guitarist in the nation is,” said Gators bass player Percy Harvin. “Tebow, just call him superman,” he added. Harvin, who played with an injured wrist, had a fantastic showing, confusing the Sooners band all night as he syncopated quarter notes in a walking baseline, and routinely switch from 4/4 measure to a 7/4 measure.

Tebow seemed to will his band to victory in their second breakdown, near the fourth stanza. Tebow played a set of rhythmically oriented riffs on open strings, then contrasted them with second interval dissonant chords and pinch harmonics. When their set was almost over, Tebow jumped in the air and threw his pick into the crowd, where it was promptly caught by David Nelson.

Gators band manager Urban Meyer told reporters after the contest, “We’re going to enjoy the national championship. The Gators are number one.” Defeated Oklahoma manager Bob Stoops said, “In the end, I’ll be glad to try again next year. If that’s the biggest burden I have to bear in my life, I’m a pretty lucky guy.”

Many speculate if Tebow or Bradford will return to play lead guitar their senior year. “I can see Bradford leaving early to play professionally,” said ESPN Band Analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.  “I think he’s got what it takes, and a lot of bands out there could use a guitarist that has that kind of pitch recognition.” In regards to Tebow, however, “I really think the kid should stay in school.” Kiper suggested that Tebow would have very limited success at lead guitar professionally, and even added that many bands would rather look at Tebow as a bass player. “If he tries to go in as a lead [guitarist] like Eric Crouch did in 2002, [Tebow] will probably wind up being a backup rhythm guitarist, or even end up as a roadie for a Canadian band.”