The 100th Post Spectacular Extravaganza Divertissement Special

Welcome to the 100th post (not counting pages) on The Potvin Newsly. It only took me well over a year.

Originally, when I started this damn, lovable thing, I was in Kuwait and I had way too much free time on my hands. I made posts regularly.

Then I came back to the United States. Things changed. I was suddenly not so bored and writing to pass the time. Now I had to get myself to write for the sake of writing. It’s tough man – real tough. I am disappointed with myself and how long it took to reach 100 posts. I am trying to vow for 100 posts per year from this point – and that’s not actually hard when you think about it. It’s slightly less than two per week.

Man I suck.

I will now bring you an insider’s look at The Potvin Newsly. First, some stats.

Most Viewed Posts

1. Chernobyl Goes Record Sixth Day Without Zombie Attack
2. Bobby “Psycho” Fischer Dead at 64
3. Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María Jesús González
4. Bear Survival Kit
5. Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA
6. Bear Attack Week: Bear Lethality Index

All of those have over 1,000 views, and How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian is nearly in that group with 981 views at the time of this post being published. This clearly tells me what the readers want: Zombies, Psychos, Serial Killers, and Bears. Without even trying that hard, I’ve established clearly the most brutal blog on the internet. Permission granted to bow to my superiority.

Comments. Comments are always welcome here on The Potvin Newsly, even if they are combative, cordially demeaning, lack capitalization, come from Ireland, are way off topic, or irrelevantly disgusting, are contrived and directionless, lack grammar and punctuation, or are just generally retarded. I’ve only ever denied one comment, and that was because it was about a page and a half long and was about as hard on the Jews as Egypt. The ancient one.

One of my favorite things that has happened, several times, during the course of the first 100 posts, is the response I get from fake news stories. Even though the stories are listed with the tag “Fake News” they still get reported as true by some people. Often times threads are started on faraway websites because of the fake news I post – sometimes in a foreign langue (scary). And some people were very upset (and confused) when they heard that an 11 year old boy was arrested for being an accomplice to murder when his aunt shot and killed a doctor with his spudgun.

So that’s the jist of the cool stuff. See a more candid look at The Potvin Newsly by checking out the 200th Post.

Loves

There are few things as worthless as a writer in love. Perhaps a Fig Newton wearing a wristwatch is comparable. People might think that a writer in love has an advantage, as writing does need inspiration, and what’s more inspiring than love?

Poppycock, I say! Writers in love are lethargic, miserable beings. They aren’t inspired; they’re consumed. You know the thought of “two lovers being one”? Isn’t that the same as saying you’re half the person you used to be? Still, people can argue that a writer in love is a writer with his/her priorities set.

Hogwash, I say! Someone in love has their priorities skewed, I promise you. They don’t understand the importance of much, least of rationality. And if you can’t rationalize, then you can’t relate. This does occasionally work when you write to an audience who feels they can’t relate to anyone else, like teenagers. R.L. Stine, you whacked out fucking genius… He must be a great writer.

Poppywash, I say! He’s a marginal writer at best. But still way more famous than me. And the tragic part is he doesn’t even seem to be held captive by love’s hold; he’s just a bad writer. Not that I’m here to pick on Stine. There are thousands of shitty writers getting published all the time. I’m just mentioning him because I’ve owned and read many of his works.

Now some writers do have their best works come out of them when they are absorbed into a relationship. But this “best work” comes out of the most fucked up relationships, quite honestly. Or it comes when the two have split, and one’s ego must meet one’s humility – then let the writing begin. So being in love can be good for a writer – either your fucked up relationship gets you to type out fantastic manuscripts, or your heart-wrenching breakup does.

Hogcock, I say. Being in love is bad for being a writer. Still, right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[What a shitty post this turned out to be. Man, I really am a bad writer now. - Author]

Open the Political Satire Floodgates

I hadn’t touched on much of anything heading up to this here general election. I probably should have.

I’d always like to think that I could make satire without inserting my own bias, but I know that’s probably not true. With the elections over, however, I can write pretty much what I wish without being accused of using my very powerful position as a psuedonym’d blog writer (who happens to write about bear attacks, serial killers, and the 1888 Yale Bulldogs football team) for political gains. Yes, open the political satire floodgates.

And for anyone who’s disappointed that I didn’t post at all in the month of October, let it be known that I am also disappointed with myself. No worries, though – I’m sure I haven’t disappointed anyone. Any fan base I might have had, if any, is surely gone by now. That’s stress-free blogging, right there.

Also, we here at the Potvin Newsly are nearing 100 posts. Also, we’re nearing our first anniversary of web-logging. Also, there’s no “we” – really, it’s just me. Nevertheless, I expect the be at least nominated for a 2008 Peabody. I am submitting my Bear Attack Week articles. I don’t know why I’m bringing any of this up, except to say “Thanks, internet, for always being there and full of porn.”

The Drought Is Over!

Yes, I have returned from the Desert of No Internet. I have some left over “Bear Attack Week” drafts that I wasn’t able to get posted before my internet was turned off for approximately one month, and I will be sure to post date them to maintain the Bear Attack Week’s weekiness.  So check that out, it’s kind of a big deal.

Also, I’ll be sure to be posting some stuff that will keep your mind off of the current political state of affairs, which, if you’re reading this, chances are that you don’t follow politics anyhow. Cheers!

Ahem…

Break’s over guys… Seriously, I mean it this time.

Actual post tomorrow.

Presenting “Too Busy Week”!

I’ve been too busy to write consistently, so I just haven’t done so at all.

I have some time now, but I’m really tired. You know the feeling. Maybe tomorrow.  Well, see you later.

The Comedy Fest

The week I spent in Melbourne watching the comedy festival there was really my favorite part of my trip to Australia. So here’s the highlights:

Best shows (that I saw):

1. Pappy’s Fun Club
2. Patton Oswalt (with Kristen Schaal & Kurt Braunohler, and David O’Doherty opening)
3. Daniel Kitson

Best quotes (that I heard):

• Kristen Schaal is a horse! (Kurt Braunohler in Kristen Schaal’s As You’ve Probably Never Seen Her Before!)
• Do you guys drink water here? (Patton Oswalt)
• It’s the Rock-naissance, bitch-olas! (The Delusionists in Everything That Ever Happened, Ever)
• That’s two guys with five dicks each. (David O’Doherty in It’s David O’Doherty Time)
• In addition to being a comedy butler, I used to do… SEX! (Asher Treleaven as Saxson the Comedy Butler in Ali McGregor’s Late Night Variety Nite-Night)
• Where are you from, sir? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! (Kurt Braunohler)
• It sounds like he’s telling you to fuck off. (Daniel Kitson relaying a conversation between two audience members)
• What did you do with old lady winter, father? / Let’s just say she’ll be tied up for awhile. / Oh, you tied her up? / I kicked her in the skull until she died. (Pig Island in Simply Fancy)
• Oh good; see, normally he would just rape that woman, but now he rapes and pillages, so we make some money. (Pappy’s Fun Club)
• Big Howard: You came in too soon! Little Howard: I’m sorry; it’s never happened before and I’m under a lot of stress. I don’t know what that means. (Howard Read and Little Howard in Little Howard and the Magic Pencil of Life and Death)

Best scents (that I smelled):

• Vanilla
• Lavender
• Breakfast

I added the last one in just to make it seem worthwhile that I even bothered to have lists for two other items.  So there’s that.

Winnebago.

Dehiatusized

Yes, that is a made up word, and yes, I have returned to Kuwait from Australia, unfortunately.  I spent the first week in Sydney, doing all sorts of tourist crap, then I spent the next week in Melbourne, mostly just going to shows at the comedy festival that was taking place.  All in all, it was a great time had by everyone (only me, really).  I did make regular journal entries and I will like dedicate a lengthy page to typing all of that up.  So, yeah, I’m back.  Whatever.

Hiatus

For those who do not know, I will soon be visiting the continent of Australia, starting in Sydney and making my way down to Melbourne. I am sure there will be a slew of posts related to my trip once I return. While I am there, however, I do not expect myself to post often, if at all.

So this is to officially announce my hiatus from posting. I do not foresee any new logs until my return. So, there’s that.

If you know me personally, I will be attempting to check and respond to my email accounts while I’m away. Feel free to contact me in that capacity. So, there’s that.

I’m outtie 5000. Let the crazy Australian sex odyssey begin!

Winds of Change Are a-Comin’

Soon I will be on leave. I’m not taking my laptop with me; it’ll be too easily stolen, broken, gone missing, et cetera. I don’t want to have to worry about it, look after it, or carry it about. So it’s staying here in K-ville whilst I go venturing around Australia.

Will I post? I don’t know; I doubt it. But before I leave a few short days from now, I would like to announce the formal end to the Potvin Spotlight. It’s not that it doesn’t get enough support – there’s no such thing on this site. My reasoning comes as I have realized that I’ve only made one non-football Potvin Spotlight post. That was about Andrei Chikatilo.

When I introduced the Potvin Spotlight, I promised to not only write about football, but also certain historical battles/wars and serial killers. Well, I failed. There, I said it. I’ve read about many ancient battles/wars and what have you, and they’re just too difficult to add humor to. So, after grasping extensive knowledge of the history of war, I typically say “fuck it” and post something completely unrelated.

Serial killers on the other hand – I’m sure I could make many more posts about them types. Goodie goodie. So here’s my plan: I’m changing the titles. Former Potvin Spotlights about football will just be generically renamed Sunday Spotlights, as they appear on Sunday. Plus, the alliteration is sort of a bonus. Same goes for the Chikatilo post, except it’ll be called a Serial Killer Spotlight. The alliteration is still present, but, in my view, it’s just not as strong. No worries, though.

Also, I’m removing mama scorpion and her babies, and putting up some other photograph. Say goodbye everybody!

Below: Mama Scorpy-Scorps, and her babies

We’ll miss you.

Well, this is probably the most boring post I’ve ever had. If you bothered to read this you’re probably upset, so let me redirect you to something funny: go watch Mr. Show.