NEW YORK — The Fox News Channel tackled a topic today that it had recently only danced around, by categorically describing all Muslims as “pretty much evil” and embraced the change wholeheartedly in its new slogan We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood.
Journalists, anchors, contributors, and hackneyed scientists employed by the channel all supported the decision to declare Muslims as evil. “We pretty much all feel this way, anyway,” said Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson. “I mean, why hide behind our thinly veiled bigotry any longer? We’re just coming out with it.”
Bill O’ Reilly, on of Fox’s most popular personalities, said that Fox is just “stating what is pretty obviously truth.” O’ Reilly stated that “liberals want you to think that you live in a world where Muslims are actually people, and not this mutant strain that lives only to kill and terrorize real humans.”
Glenn Beck, another Fox personality who has skyrocketed in popularity and support in recent months, also supports the network’s new stance, although takes a less accusatory role, surprisingly, than O’ Reilly. “Let’s be honest with ourselves; Muslims are not the cause of all our society’s problems today. We also have problems with communo-facism and left-wing Constitution-killers,” Beck continued, “although all those people really start with a Muslim base. So they’re the root cause of all our problems, but we still have to get rid of the day-walkers that they spawned.”
Sean Hannity called it a “bold move” and said he expects Fox’s viewership to rise, because Fox is “really just saying what every American is feeling.” Hannity also claims to know a guy who knows a guy who knew somebody that had their blood drank by a Muslim. “They’re the terror of the night,” Hannity continued, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could turn into bats. But I’m sure they’re not allergic to the sun so we’ll have to use military force to stop them.”
Shepard Smith failed to toe the company line, however, saying “This is bad.”
Fox’s website has also been updated with safety and emergency plans for the average American family. “We feel that all Americans should be educated in how to Muslim-proof their houses and their communities,” said Newt Gingrich, host of Fox’s new show “Keeping You Safe and Afraid: Muslim Terror and Threat Alert Warning News Show: How to Keep Your Blood Safe from Followers of Islam: Hide in Your Basement With a Gun”.
Muslim leaders in America and around the rest of the world said they were not surprised by the News Channel’s new slogan, saying that fundamentally nothing has changed. Radical Muslim extremists condemned the news and Western culture in general, and continued to blow things up and shoot civilians like they do on a regular basis.