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Monday, September 20, 2010

Potvin Reviews: The National Parks – Black Canyon of the Gunnison

The Shit You Find Out from the National Park Website: Here you’ll learn that even small rocks can be fatal, somehow, and that poison ivy grows five feet tall near the river in the canyon. Five feet. This is poison ivy that is tall enough to nearly equal the height of former NBA player (and first round pick) Muggsy Bogues, who, might I add, blocked 39 shots in his career. You can learn about the lovely and scenic East Portal Road, which has a steep 18% grade and hairpin turns, but should be driven at no-less-than 50 miles per hour, but that last part is just a personal recommendation. Hey, if you’re going to pussy-foot it in a national park, why even bother going?

The website will also warn you that hiking the inner canyon is perilous, to wit, “There are no maintained or marked trails into the inner canyon. Routes are difficult to follow, and only individuals in excellent physical condition should attempt these hikes. Hikers are expected to find their own way and to be prepared for self-rescue… Not all ravines go all the way to the river, and becoming ‘cliffed out’ is a real possibility.” Also, remember the MUGGSY BOGUES EDITION of the poison ivy, which the park claims is “nearly impossible to avoid.” Put it all together and you have the script for the next National Lampoon’s Vacation movie, where the family ends up bloody, lost, starving, dying, and pretty fucking itchy. And once all that is in mind, the website adds that “Inner canyon routes are not meant for small children.” Why is that sentence on the website, when it’s pretty damn clear that small children, let alone super heroes, do not have any business trekking down into the canyon? Well, I for one suspect that there might be a small skeleton lost in that canyon somewhere, and now that warning is a bit more obligatory.

Oh, and a fun fact you might encounter is that the temperature inside the depths of the canyon can be eight degrees warmer than the rim. That’s what she said!

The Shit You Find Out When You Get There: Hiking the inner canyon is not as necessarily difficult as it is made out to be, but to be sure, I think you still have to be a partial badass to do it. You DO have to be prepared, but it should take less than a day. Then again, when you stand out at the edge of the canyon and look down…

Below: Black Canyon of the Gunnison
Uh, yeah. Fuck that.

Oh, also, I don’t know if I would call it a black canyon. The rock color is sort of blackish, but really, it’s more gray. I guess Gray Canyon doesn’t really cut it, especially when you see how magnificent and balls-out-intimidating this thing is. I mean, seriously, balls-out.

J. and I camped here, and found out that it gets windy as fuck, and soon our attempts at grilling were ruined. Luckily for us, my trusty propane stove doesn’t care so much about wind. Throw in some bad whiskey, and you’ve got a pretty nice situation going. We tried to hike most of the next day, and were creeped out by a woman we saw dressed in some olde-timey clothes. I figured she was a Twilight Zone case, but J. thinks it more likely that she was part of some fundamentalist Mormon cult. Either way, she probably got beat by some male figure in her life because I stared at her for way too long. Overall, it was a pretty good time.

Thing I Never Expected to Hear but Then Did: I asked one of the rangers, who had taken just about every path possible into the inner canyon, if the poison ivy really was five feet tall, or if that was some park bullshit that they used to keep fat Midwesterners from starting a trip they are physically uncapable of finishing. “No,” she said, “it’s really that tall. Actually, some places it’s a foot or so taller, and you just have to walk through a sort of ‘poison-ivy tunnel’ in a few places.” That’s what I didn’t expect to hear: poison-ivy tunnel. Seems to me that there must be some sort of very important, very elusive, very dangerous artifact hidden in that canyon, and Indiana Jones (and possibly the Nazis/North Koreans/Mooninites) is just itching to get his hands on it.


Saturday, June 26, 2010

Potvin Reviews: The National Parks – Great Sand Dunes

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 1:49 pm

The Shit You Find Out from the National Park Website: Here you would find out that Great Sand Dunes National Park also includes some sort of preserve, and it is located somewhere in Colorado. Turns out it was also turned into a National Park under the careful watch of Billy Clinton, who vehemently denies that the blowjobs he received from Great Sand Dunes (which was at the time just a lowly national monument) had anything to do with its redesignation as a full-on, raging boner, very hardcore national park.

The Shit You Find Out When You Get There: Great Sand Dunes is sandy. Like, very, very sandy. Probably the sandiest place I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to Kuwait, which is just sand, oil, rich Arabs, and indentured servants who “work” for the rich Arabs. But mostly, Kuwait is sand. (Bad sand, at that: I heard that they can’t even use it to make glass, or even concrete, because it’s totally shitty sand. So, ironically, they must import the sand they need for concrete.) And after living there a year, and being at Great Sand Dunes for two days, I can say that maybe Great Sand Dunes is sandier. Let me tell you this for sure: if I had a vagina, it would have been packed to the hilt, and then I probably would’ve been moody.

J. and I camped the first night, taking a slight refuge from the sand by pitching our tent on soil and near trees. But we did have to trek through sand to get there. And might I add that, for a place with a lot of sand, they also have a lot of mosquitoes. (J. ended up with ass-bites. You know what the fuck I mean – don’t make me explain it.) The next day, though, watch out. Sand here we come. We hiked to the top of a sand dune, called High Dune, armed with the knowledge that it was not the highest dune in the park, just the second highest. I guess that’s why it’s just called High Dune.  Nevertheless, we hiked the 1.15 miles to the top in the lightning quick time of (roughly) 1 hour and 45 minutes.

We planned on getting water at the Medano Creek, near the base of the dunefield we had just hiked into, but J. felt it was a bad idea as some children were playing in the creek. I was armed with a water filter that is designed to remove hyper small particles of dirt, as well as the pain-inducing protozoa giardia, but J. rightly refused the offer to drink mountain fresh creek water as science has yet to design a filter that removes children’s cooties (as well as the disgusting tastes of both their innocence and lack of cynicism).

The Thing I Never Expected to See but Then Did: The Dune-Accessible Wheelchair, which I believe the visitor center hands out for free to handicapables, so that they, too, may experience sand. Lots and lots of sand.

The Pinnacle Achievement of 30,000
Cumulative Years of Human
Civilization: A Wheelchair that
Can Go in Sand!

Introducing “Potvin Reviews: The National Parks”

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 1:15 pm

Hello all. I’m sure that I have no dedicated readers left as I have not posted in… many months. That’s okay. Currently I am on a big road trip, with my close associate/lover, J. We have headed into the Great American West, and are scheduled to stop at over fifteen national parks. I feel it is  my duty to review my stay/stop at each of these parks, to let you, my somewhat-valued readers, know which ones to miss, and which ones to drive around in, pointing at America’s unrivaled natural beauty, and say, “Ooo, looky there! That shit’s purdy!” You’re very welcome.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Super Blogger Defeats Super Lawyer in Phone Conversation

My memory gets a little hazy at times, but I remember this whole thing clearly. It was like any other Monday, really, except that it felt sort of like I was living in some sort of film noir from the late 1930’s to early 1950’s. You know, everything’s in black and white, and I’m wearing a plain, dark-colored trench coat, no tie, with a matching fedora hat. I talk in a scruffy, slightly toned down voice. I have an office, and the stick on letters that I put on the door when I first rented the place have deteriorated, and some have fallen off. My underpaid secretary sits outside. She gives me a lot of grief, brother, but I guess I deserve it. I haven’t found any solid detective work for months now. I’ve been just barely making it by calling up ex-girlfirends and charming them into granting me favors, and occasionally I’ll get a small detective job, usually for some kid trying to find Waldo. Well, I do it, but I ain’t proud.

It was already late afternoon, no calls all day as usual, and my secretary, Cybil, has been telling me she needs to go before too long, but I tell her to stay. “You don’t pay me enough to stay!” Alright, alright ya crazy dame, go ahead and take off.

But then she walks in. Or calls, rather, but let’s pretend she walks in. She’s got a long stride and a voice to match. Wait, I’m not sure that makes sense, but it sounds sensual. She sits down, and opens up her cigarette case, and puts one in her mouth. I strike a match and reach to light it, but then she tells me “It’s only candy, baby.”

So what’s your name, I ask her. “Monica. Monica Richman,” she tells me as she chomps down on her sugar stick. Already I know why she’s here. And she knows I know. Not long ago I was investigating The History Channel. I had suspected that they were going to change their name to the Hitler Channel. Problem is, A&E Television owns the History Channel, and I used the name of their executive vice president in the article. Let’s say he wasn’t too happy about it. To cut a long story short, Monica Richman here is a big time lawyer, representing A&E. She works for some law firm down town, I forget the name exactly but it sounds like “sunshine” when pronounced by an Italian immigrant with a thick accent.

I ask her, What are you doing in this part of town, in the docks? She tells me she was just in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. Come to get me to change my story, I ask her. “You know that story’s not true,” she tells me. Well that’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it. “No it isn’t,” she says. She shifts her body language and tone of voice, and I can tell she’s trying to seduce me. Not gonna happen, lady, I tell her. The Onion breaks stories like these all the time, and I don’t see you going after them. “You’re not The Onion,” she tells me bluntly, licking her lips, chomping down on the last piece of her candy cigarette.

So there we were, deadlocked in a sexy sort of struggle. I tell her, I’ll take your VP’s name out of the article, but it’s getting published. She tells me she can handle that, but she keeps looking at me in that way. I get up to pour some whiskey. I set a glass down on my desk, open the bottle, and fill the glass half way. I turn around to put the bottle away and when I look back, she’s got the glass in her hands, and already there’s an imprint of lipstick left on it. You wanna a glass, I ask her. “Oh sorry, I just assumed we’d share.” Why would I want to share with somebody who’s come to coerce me into changing my story, I ask her.

She starts to get real different after I say that. She gets a little apologetic, saying she doesn’t want to hold me back. I ask her if she liked the article I wrote up. I can tell she does, but she tells me that because of her work, she preferred it hadn’t been written. She calls it “hurtful” among other things, but then she starts to talk crazy to me. She starts working me up as some sort of creative genius, and starts using big, sexy words like “defamation” and “fictitious”. I knew this doll wanted to get with me, but now I think she might be trying to suck me in long-term, see. I can’t handle that. Maybe my mother’s right, maybe I do need to settle down, but not right off the bat like this. I start to feel real uncomfortable, see, and start tugging at my shirt collar, even though I’m not wearing a tie as I’m sure you’ll recall.

She looks at me with big eyes and pouty lips, waiting for me to make a verbal response. Sorry babe, I say, it’s just not in the cards for you and me. She jumps across the desk, grabbing me by my shirt, yelling my name, telling me that we need to be together. I give her a slap on the face and tell her to sit down. She does, her hair a mess, and a look of shame draped on her face. I lie to her. Look dame, I’m married. “You’re not wearing a ring,” she points out. Yeah I know, I do detective work. You think I want the perps I investigate to know I got a wife at home? Not a chance in hell, lady, not a chance in hell. And that goes for you and me. I’ll change the name, but that’s all. Get outta here.

She grabs her coat and walks away, then pauses in the open door and looks back at me. She has this fierce look in her eyes, and it seems like she’s gonna say something, ‘cept she doesn’t. She just slams the door and walks out of my office. So I sit there and finish the glass of whiskey, grab my hat and coat, and head out the door. Sometimes I wonder just what it is that I’m doing in this town.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

BCS Bowls Reviewed

[Author: So what if this post is two weeks late? Big fuck.]

With the 2010 professional college football season coming to a close, it has come time to review the five biggest games of the post season: the BCS bowls.

Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Oregon

This was one of the most anticipated match-ups in the BCS bowls, since these teams were pretty much mirror images of each other. Terrelle Pryor outplayed Jeremiah Masoli, and as the winning quarterback earned the right to deflower the Rose Queen, Natalie Innocenzi. Ohio State faced tremendous pressure to win, having fizzled in most of its recent BCS appearances, and they sure did disappoint the critics. An interesting side note is that Oregon head coach Chip Kelly had defeated Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel in the annual pre-game hot dog eating contest. He is the first to coach to have won the contest but lost the game since Pete Carroll defeated Mack Brown in 2006.

Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati

This game ended up being much closer than expected, as most analysts predicted Florida would score between 150-200 points, with ESPN’s Jesse Palmer predicting a final score of googol to (-54). Florida eventually won by a final score of 51 to who gives a shit. Florida coach Urban Meyer suffered zero heart attacks during the game, much to the dismay of Cincinnati fans who were hoping that their opponents would also have to play without their head coach. Meyer told reporters after the game that his health concerns, combined with Tim Tebow leaving, may force him into a quasi-retirement. “Or I might just quit and get a job as the offensive coordinator for whatever NFL team drafts Timmy,” Meyers said. “Best head ever.”

Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. Texas Christian

TCU (Texas Christian) had a rare opportunity for itself and for all teams from non-BCS conferences in making it to a BCS game. However, it failed to convert that opportunity into success and it made all teams from the lesser conferences look foolish for even trying. Sure, with a final score of 17-10, it was a close game, but the fact is that they lost. Now pundits who think that non-BCS teams shouldn’t participate in the BCS bowls at all need only point to this game and say “Why do we even let these teams in if they can’t win the big ones?” Now teams like Bowling Green, SMU, and Boise State may never get a shot at another BCS game again, let alone the National Championship Game. Still, hats off to the Broncos, who should stop fucking crying every single year and just join the Pac 10 already.

Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech


Ahem. Now would probably be a good time to confess that I am a slight fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes footballing club. This was a good game. Actually, it was a great game. Pretty much the best game out of all the BCS games, because of, um, its competitiveness. GO STANZI! WOO! CLAYBORN BRINGIN’ DOWN DA HOUSE! BOOM! SUCK IT TECH!

Moving on…

The National Championship Game

How lame was it that Colt McCoy got hurt on the fifth play and didn’t return? So lame that Texas made it a game (trailing 24-21 in the fourth quarter) with their true freshman Garrett Gilbert. Nowadays Colt McCoy just sits in his dorm room listening to Little Texas’ hit single What Might Have Been play on loop on his iPod, which he may or may not have accepted as an illegal gift from an athletic booster. But the point is, his roommate, star receiver Jordan Shipley, has been planning a big St. Valentine’s Day surprise for Colt to hopefully lift his spirits, and sources close to the two say Shipley might pop the question, so shhhhh! keep it on the down-low.

Ummm, and Alabama won. So what?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

DO NOT REPUBLISH – CONTACT SUPPORT – History Channel to Officially Change Name to Hitler Channel

NEW YORK, NY — History, formerly known as The History Channel, announced today that it will be known as The Hitler Channel starting in 2010.

The American television channel had previously changed its name from The History Channel to just simply History on April 20 of 2008, coincidentally also Hitler’s birthday. Again in celebration of Hitler’s birth, executives announced that on April 20 of 2010 the channel will be renamed to The Hitler Channel.

Harvis Tolmes, the fake Executive Vice President for History’s parent network A&E, said that the move pays tribute to the man who is mostly responsible for the channel’s success. “Without Hitler, I don’t even know if there would still be a channel on TV about history today, let alone two. We owe him a great deal.”

The network had tried to tone down the channel’s image of only broadcasting Hitler related content in the past. “A&E at first thought this was a bad image for the History Channel,” explained Tolmes. A&E created the Military History Channel to partially take the Hitler programming load away from History, “but it hasn’t really worked,” said Tolmes. “Now we’re embracing it, and we think the market will respond positively.”

Tolmes still expects there to be plenty of Hitler to go around for both channels in the future. “The Military History Channel will still be focused on the primarily historical aspects of Hitler, mostly just the factual stuff. But the Hitler Channel will follow in the path of History and focus primarily on made up stuff,” Tolmes said.

The Hitler Channel is expected to continue its frequent broadcasts on Nostradamus and speculative theories about the end of the world featuring quack specialists. “We’ll still have [those kinds of shows],” Tolmes stated, “but just expect there to be a Hitler twist in there somewhere. Did aliens help the ancient Egyptians build pyramids? Maybe, but if they did, did Hitler know about it? And did he have scientists working on unlocking the secrets of the pyramids so he could unleash superior alien technology on the Allies?”

Viewers could also look forward to even more straightforwardly fictional accounts of Hitler. “We’ll have shows about things like, what if Hitler lived in the age of dinosaurs? and stuff like that,” said Tolmes. “Or maybe a sitcom where Hitler accidentally got a girl pregnant in college, and the mother tragically dies so now Hitler, who had no idea about it and now works in a law firm, has to take care of this four-year old that came out of nowhere. Talk about hilarious!”

Tolmes figures the channel to be successful, despite a number of critics and deriders. “When Cartoon Network launched, people said ‘Oh you could never have a channel that shows only cartoons 24 hours a day.’ Same thing with ESPN and sports, only they’re even more successful. Now people want to say ‘You can’t have a channel only about Hitler.’ Not only do we think that’s untrue, we’re planning ahead for possibly other channels based on the success of this one. Maybe a Genghis Khan Channel, or a Napoleon Channel. Heck, we might even have a Mayan Calendar Channel, though it’s hard to see that one working past 2012.”

A&E announced that it had secured the rights to Hitler’s name and likeness, giving them mostly exclusive broadcasting rights. A&E has also purchased the rights to the film The Boys From Brazil from Twentieth Century Fox, which will be played all day on January First as a New Year’s Day marathon, and and 8-10 times a day everyday thereafter.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Deadliest Ungulate Update: Moose Murders Woman

Filed under: Animals,News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 10:50 pm
Tags: , , , ,

What’s the world’s deadliest ungulate? At the moment, a murderous, monstrous moose in Sweden, where a woman has been struck down in the post-prime of her life.

63 year old Agneta Westlund was killed after an evening stroll in the woods, which could be a good reason to not do that. At first, police suspected her husband, Ingemar Westlund. That is, until, they figured it was… [DUN DUN DUN!!!] probably a moose.

Think about this now: not only did a moose kill someone, but it also framed that person’s spouse for murder. We’re dealing with a moose the likes of which we’ve never seen. Smarter than the average moose. Perhaps even bigger, faster, and stronger, but also perhaps not. Probably just smarter. But still, that’s bad.

In the little picture, this is a moose that is capable of committing murder and possibly getting away with it, using the woods as a perfect hideout. But in the bigger picture, it is an even graver scenario. What if this moose begins teaching other meesen things like murder, or worse yet, a standardized alphabet? Will mooxen demand equal rights? Will they want to vote? Very serious matters indeed.

According to a tabloid, the moose was caught because it left hair and saliva on the victim’s clothes, though police have not confirmed such gibberish. If true, though, it holds hope for the human race. The moose hasn’t gotten so smart that it can completely cover up its tracks. Dodged a bullet there, humanity.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

ESPN Still Trying to Convince Nation That NASCAR Is a Sport

BRISTOL, CT — Despite the majority of Americans feeling a general opposition to the notion, ESPN is still trying to convince everyone that NASCAR is a sport.

The network, which has dominated sports coverage in America for several decades, has launched a new ad campaign to help convince viewers and critics who are still unconvinced that NASCAR is really a sport. New slogans to help recruit fans and boost viewership include, “Yes, We’re Still Showing It on SportsCenter”, “It’s Really a Sport… Seriously, We Mean It”, and “NASCAR – Give It Another Chance… Pretty Please?”

Below: One of ESPN’s new photo ads to help convince people
that NASCAR is a really sport and should be taken seriously

“I think these new commercials are great. People need to know that NASCAR really is a sport,” said ESPN analyst Dale Jarrett. “I mean, sure it seems like we’re just driving around in circles really fast, and yeah, that is most of it, but that’s really hard.” Jarrett continued, “Really, really hard. Like bricklaying. I also think bricklaying is a sport because it’s also hard.”

Tim Cowlishaw, another ESPN NASCAR analyst, also insists that it is a sport. “Sure, there’s no ball, and there’s no tournament or postseason, and there’s not a major college system of racing, or really anything else that matches the characteristics of most American sports,” Cowlishaw went on, “but that doesn’t mean it’s not a sport.”

“NASCAR is America’s fastest growing sport, which, by definition of that sentence, makes it a sport,” explained Terry Blount, one of ESPN’s NASCAR reporters and frequent contributor to ESPN.com’s NASCAR page. “I mean, if it wasn’t a sport, then how could it be the fastest growing sport, huh smart guy? Plus,” Blount continued, “lots of people think it’s a sport, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that large groups of people cannot possibly be wrong about any widely held belief they have.”

Despite ESPN’s staunch supporters and efforts, NASCAR continues to be criticized by some for not being a sport at all. Critics point out that the vehicles used in races are not stock cars at all, thereby defying the very name of NASCAR (which stands for National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing), which would be akin to the NBA using a volleyball in its games. Others point to NASCAR’s confusing and contrived scoring system, which is overly difficult to follow during a race. These critics also claim that the scoring system arbitrarily gives higher scores for end-of-season races, ensuring that no driver gains an insurmountable lead and causes fans to lose interest; though such a brash claim is highly suspect as most sports would consider this both highly unorthodox and completely unfair. Still others point to NASCAR’s negative environmental effects, and that it is just plain boring. Beyond that, critics point out that NASCAR is not even the highest level or most difficult form of auto racing.

When asked what he thought of such criticisms, Dale Jarrett responded angrily that “It’s a bunch of crap! Crap crap crap crap crap!” Jarrett became visibly upset and said that he had something in his eyes, and excused himself to the bathroom while sobbing.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fox News: We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood

NEW YORK — The Fox News Channel tackled a topic today that it had recently only danced around, by categorically describing all Muslims as “pretty much evil” and embraced the change wholeheartedly in its new slogan We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood.

Journalists, anchors, contributors, and hackneyed scientists employed by the channel all supported the decision to declare Muslims as evil. “We pretty much all feel this way, anyway,” said Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson. “I mean, why hide behind our thinly veiled bigotry any longer? We’re just coming out with it.”

Bill O’ Reilly, on of Fox’s most popular personalities, said that Fox is just “stating what is pretty obviously truth.” O’ Reilly stated that “liberals want you to think that you live in a world where Muslims are actually people, and not this mutant strain that lives only to kill and terrorize real humans.”

Glenn Beck, another Fox personality who has skyrocketed in popularity and support in recent months, also supports the network’s new stance, although takes a less accusatory role, surprisingly, than O’ Reilly. “Let’s be honest with ourselves; Muslims are not the cause of all our society’s problems today. We also have problems with communo-facism and left-wing Constitution-killers,” Beck continued, “although all those people really start with a Muslim base. So they’re the root cause of all our problems, but we still have to get rid of the day-walkers that they spawned.”

Sean Hannity called it a “bold move” and said he expects Fox’s viewership to rise, because Fox is “really just saying what every American is feeling.” Hannity also claims to know a guy who knows a guy who knew somebody that had their blood drank by a Muslim. “They’re the terror of the night,” Hannity continued, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could turn into bats. But I’m sure they’re not allergic to the sun so we’ll have to use military force to stop them.”

Shepard Smith failed to toe the company line, however, saying “This is bad.”

Fox’s website has also been updated with safety and emergency plans for the average American family. “We feel that all Americans should be educated in how to Muslim-proof their houses and their communities,” said Newt Gingrich, host of Fox’s new show “Keeping You Safe and Afraid: Muslim Terror and Threat Alert Warning News Show: How to Keep Your Blood Safe from Followers of Islam: Hide in Your Basement With a Gun”.

Muslim leaders in America and around the rest of the world said they were not surprised by the News Channel’s new slogan, saying that fundamentally nothing has changed. Radical Muslim extremists condemned the news and Western culture in general, and continued to blow things up and shoot civilians like they do on a regular basis.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Cop Killed Two Days After Retirement

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ — Marvin Pendergast, a former police officer who retired only two days ago, was killed in a boating accident near his new home in Lake Havasu City.

Pendergast spent over 30 years working for the Los Angeles Police Department, serving most of his years as a detective belittled by the majority of his coworkers. Pendergast was known best for chasing down recently unemployed and divorced middle class white men rampaging across the City of Angels in search for answers and retribution for their failed lives, often ending with Pendergast shooting the individuals at Manhattan Beach Pier.

Pendergast did inexplicably reach retirement, however, and moved with his wife to Lake Havasu City, the couple’s planned retirement spot. Pendergast bought a yacht as per his retirement plan, but never learned how to operate waterborne vessels properly as even he himself fully expected to be a corpse before retiring. Tragically, his inept boating skills caused the accident as he careened the yacht into the Parker Dam.

“When his retirement was coming up, [Pendergast’s coworkers] were always joking that he’d die before he was able to call it quits,” said Detective Sanchez, an officer who worked with Pendergast over the years, and who also constantly put cat litter in Pendergast’s desk drawer. “Once I heard he died only two days after retirement,” Sanchez continued, “I was like, ‘Oh, I guess nobody ever thinks about that too much.’ Still tragic, I guess, but not as tragic.”

Amanda Pendergast, the victim’s wife, stated that she fully expected her husband to be dead before retiring as well. “The day after he retired I was sort of relieved, sort of disappointed,” said Amanda. “I’m not actually too upset right now because I had been mentally preparing this for years. I even had a new love interest set up for my husband’s tragically timely death which is now somewhat less timely.”

Captain Yardley, Pendergast’s officer in charge for many of his final years of service, called his death “unavoidable”. “Sure he was able to escape death’s cold grasp before he retired,” Yardley reasoned, “but this obviously threw the universe out of whack. Policemen dying right before they retire is both a rite of passage and completely out of everyone’s control.”

Yardley questioned if Pendergast’s death was actually an accident or if Pendergast was ultimately murdered by “the creepy Thanatos-premonition thing” from the 2000 film Final Destination.

Yardley reflected on the greater relationship between all policemen and dying before retirement, saying “We all [police officers] know that when we sign up, we’re not just here to protect and serve. We’re also here to die tragic deaths before we complete our legacy of work, usually immediately after sharing our long-thought-out plans for our golden years with a younger partner, likely in the squad car before what is thought to be a ‘routine’ traffic stop, or perhaps at a diner that is, unbeknownst to us, filled with assassins hired by the mob to kill the lead detectives threatening said mob’s existence.”

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