When at work, I sometimes tend to
overuse the internet a bit. Today I happened across an article concerning one mall Santa and one very horny lady (with crutches). You can read it here, or, if you hate liberals, you can find the exact same article on FOXNews.com here. (Thank you, Associated Press.) Apparently this woman groped Santa in front of a bunch of kids. Big whoop. Grow up, Santa, and fuck the fuckin’ fuck out of this chick.
This is not what he did. Instead, Crybaby Kris Kringle reported her… to the cops. They found her because, well, she was using crutches. Big mistake, lady. I’ve learned my lesson: Never sexually assault someone if you are currently crippled.
Naturally, when I read this I exclaimed to my coworkers, “Oh my God, guys, Santa was RAPED earlier today.” Of course, my boss had to chime in. “That’s not true; Don’t say that.” She was right, however. According to my “organization,” rape is described something to the effect of “an object forcibly entering a vagina without consent of the vagina-holder” or something ridiculous like that. So, technically, men cannot be raped, because they lack the “necessary equipment” to suffer rapage. Interesting to note, however, that it does not say a “penis forcibly entering a vagina,” it just says “object.” So, if a woman is gardening in the buff (some people like that sort of thing), and she happens to fall just the right way, she has been officially raped, according to the definition above. Awesome.
I adjusted my statement accordingly. “Oh, uh, Santa has been forcibly sodomized… with a crutch.” Still, my boss would have none of it. Apparently, Miss Fancypants read the article earlier and said, “No, he was just groped.” My cries of “Don’t debate me!” only fell on deaf ears. Whatever.
The story did end on a high note, however. “Santa Tim” Connaghan, president of RealSantas.com (so you know his credentials are the fuckin’ shit), gave some encouraging tidbits to all of those who aspire to be groped by women while dressed like Santa in front of countless naïve children. “I’ve had some very nice ladies sit on my lap. Once in a while they’ll say ‘I hope Mrs. Claus isn’t going to be upset.’ You have to be discreet and kind and say ‘Oh, no, she’ll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'”
Only for my dick.