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Sunday, December 23, 2007

Slow Loris: Parenting Genius

Filed under: Animals — Jill Hater @ 11:05 am
Tags: , , , ,

The slow loris is an arboreal primate that lives in southeast Asia. It is notable because it is the only poisonous primate. It bears remark that I say “poisonous” and not “venomous.”

The slow loris secretes toxins from the inside part of its elbows. That is fucking stupid. It’s probably the least advantageous place to secrete toxins from, other than behind the knee and the penis. Even the wrist would be better than the elbow. What if all I had to do was rub my wrist on somebody to slowly poison them? I can pass that off as an encouraging pat on the back or shoulder. Now imagine if I had to rub my elbow on them instead. That’s not only much more noticeable, but it warrants a punch in the face. If I’m wanting to spread toxins on others, I’m going to want to do it stealthily, without suffering injury myself.

The only thing a poison elbow gland does is deter your predators from eating your elbows. I’m sure that’s a great survival technique against snakes. That’s it. Just snakes. Not birds, or lizards, or other mammals, just snakes. Fucking idiot slow loris.

Slow Loris
Stupid and Creepy as Fuck

There are things we can learn from the slow loris, however. The slow lorises raise their young for about nine months before they boot them to the curbside and make them get a “real” job. Whatever, mom and dad. Anyway, during the initial nine months, the slow loris mother is providing milk for the toddler loris, but it still needs to go about foraging. What to do with the unattended child? Leave it with the deadbeat father? Not a chance. Lorises are not risk takers, people. They suck on their elbows to gather the toxin in their mouth (good idea #1) and then lick the poison onto the baby loris (good idea #2). That way, mommy loris can park her kid on a branch, and no predatory animals will try to eat it when ma is out looking for food. Nice. Bonus points because the toxin smells like sweaty socks.

Why don’t humans do this? Instead of calling for a sitter the next time you want to go grocery shopping without the pesky child dropping unwanted items into your cart or screaming bloody murder in the middle of the aisle, simply cover him or her with a fine coat of chalky dust ala arsenic. (Or, if you don’t want to get dust all over your house or furniture, mix the arsenic powder with peanut butter, and spread liberally.) Tired of paying for that stupid nanny just so you can hit the club scene with your newest fling, Jose, on the weeknights? Cyanide + Jelly = Drunk and Abused Wednesday for you! I guarantee your kids will be sound asleep by the time you get home.

But humans are innovators. When we invented the airplane, we didn’t want to fly just as fast as birds, we wanted to fly faster, to show God that we can make better stuff than He can. Well, stick it to The Man again, and take it a step further than the slow loris. Why stop with poison when you can graduate to killer bees. Now your kids will be safe from kidnappers and learn about nature while they’re covered with thousands of apis mellifera scutellata. You just extinguished the need for a baby sitter and a tutor, all with one simple solution.

Mankind wins again.


  1. The Slow Loris uses spit and saliva as a posionous bite and it stinks really bad so that almost all of the preditors won’t even get close to it.
    You asshole.

    Comment by Stephanie — Sunday, June 22, 2008 @ 10:21 pm | Reply

  2. HAHA! Fucking Hilarious.

    Comment by Riehm — Monday, April 27, 2009 @ 1:11 pm | Reply

  3. You’re a dumbass and you obviously don’t know anything about the slow loris. It doesn’t RUB ITS ELBOWS on things to poison them, it licks its elbows, thus picking up the poison, then to transfer the poison via a bite.

    But don’t take my word for it. Hopefully you keep that misconception in your head and try to pick one up.

    Comment by Vanya — Thursday, July 23, 2009 @ 2:22 am | Reply

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