Potvin Newsly

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Patriots to Giants: “We Know Where Your Families Are”

GLENDALE, Az – New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, known in part for his unusual seclusion and unwillingness to speak openly to the media, held a press conference Wednesday concerning Superbowl XLII. In in, Belichick covered many topics, from Tom Brady’s ankle to his team’s mental readiness, but most interestingly of all, he issued a warning to the players and staff of the New York Giants.

“The families of the players and coaches of the Giants have been kept under constant surveillance for the past three weeks,” said Belichick. “We know their locations, and we will not hesitate to move in if the game does not go our way.” Belichick would not comment specifically on what he meant, but did mention, “It won’t be pretty; trust me.”

Patriots owner Roger Kraft was reached for comment after the conference ended. In a phone conversation with FOX Sports reporters, Kraft said, “Let’s hope there won’t be any need to spill blood. Oh yes, there will be lots of blood, unless we win. Got that?”

Reporters asked most of the Patriots roster if they knew what Belichick’s plans and surveillance were about. Quarterback Tom Brady was the only player to comment. “I don’t think coach will have to set those plans in motion – We’re playing pretty good football right now. But should the unthinkable happen and we lose, well, uh, let’s just say that unimaginable suffering will come unto them.” When asked to elaborate Brady only added, “It’s really fucked up. Seriously, you don’t want to know.”

Tom Coughlin told the press he’s not worried. “My house has several panic rooms, three mercenary guard platoons, and two dozen Belgian Malinois attack dogs. Whatever Bill has planned, I’m ready for it.”

Giants players appear to be taking precautions as well. “I bought my wife an FN P90 submachine gun, and she’s gotten really good with it,” said wide receiver Amani Toomer. “Also, my lawn is now filled with land mines, both anti-personnel and anti-vehicular. On game day, I think she’ll be safe.”

Giants defensive end Michael Strahan reportedly sent his family into orbit. “That’s the only place that I know they’ll be safe,” said Strahan. “Unless Belichick uses his missile equipped laser-death satellite. Oh shit!”

“I’m just glad I’m not playing,” injured tight end Jeremy Shockey told reporters. “I hope Belichick takes that into consideration on Super Sunday. You hear that, old man, I have nothing to do with this,” Shockey yelled while shaking his fist into the air.

Deputy Director of the FBI, John Pistole, was asked by several news organizations if he would do anything about the vaguely worded “threats”. “I’d like to, honestly,” Pistole said, “but Bill Belichick has assured me that he is currently conducting surveillance on my family, as well as the families of some of our best agents.” Pistole would not comment further on the situation, only adding “Let’s just hope the Giants lose on Sunday.”

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Paris Hilton: Britney Spears Is a Perfect Mother

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 1:07 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

NEW YORK, NY – Paris Hilton is going to bat for her friend, Britney Spears. Spears, who at times has appeared reckless and lunatical, has been heavily harped on by the media over the past year. In early October, 2007, she officially lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline, after a long battle between the two.

Since February of last year, Spears has been checked in and out of multiple substance abuse rehabilitation clinics, been held for psychiatric evaluation, and has been cited for reckless driving behaviors. “None of those things really make her a bad mother, though,” stated Hilton.

After Spears’ divorce with Federline, she and Hilton were seen together partying at clubs and shopping. They were also seen carpooling with Lindsay Lohan, although it is not likely they did this to save gas money or the environment. Above the fire from the media, Hilton has spoke up to defend her comrade.

“Britney doesn’t like, use hardcore drugs around her kids anymore, unless she’s totally for sure they’re sound asleep,” Hilton told the press. “Also, she’d never hit them with an umbrella. That’s just a ridiculous rumor people dreamed up because she attacked a stranger’s car with one; Big deal.”

Hilton continued, saying “When me and Britney go like, clubbing or partying somewhere, she tells the kids to stay put at home and not answer the door for anybody. And like, she really means it and I think they totally understand. Then she gives them as much ice cream as they want for dinner. Talk about the perfect mom! Like, I wish I had that sort of independence when I was one or two years old.”

Hilton commented that Spears “has really gotten her life back together…” She cited that Spears has regrown her hair and promised not to shave it off again, and that she no longer “just leaves cocaine like, lying around on the floor and stuff, where the little fuckers [presumably Spears’ children] can get to it.” Hilton also informed the press that Spears “only drives drunk if the kids are in a car seat or something.”

“Not only that,” Hilton continued, “but she feeds her kids like, almost every other day.” Hilton also mentioned that Spears stopped passing gas on her children as a means of discipline. “No more punishment farts for those kids,” Hilton said.

“You guys have been like, totally unfair and should just leave Britney alone,” added Hilton. “I mean really, like, if you guys knew her, you’d see that she’s pretty much a perfect mother.” Hilton then said “Totally” and “Like” about 15 times in succession.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Better Than Good News

Filed under: News — Jill Hater @ 11:31 am
Tags: , ,

It came to my attention today that I will not be stop-lossed. For those who don’t know, to be stop-lossed means that your original contract with the military has been indefinitely extended. This stops the military from losing you to your family. Anyway, it has become knownst to me that I will not suffer this consequence, because my unit will be somehow immune to this. Also, I cannot be forced into another unit while I am in the military. So, all of this means I WILL OFFICIALLY LEAVE THE ARMY ON TIME. Yes! [Continue exclamation marks for the next mile of text.]

Below: Me shortly after hearing the
news that I wouldn’t be stop-lossed.
Me in Happy Mode
[Photo circa 1944]

Needless to say, I am ecstatic. This is easily the best news I’ve had in 2008, and possibly better than any news I recieved in 2007, or maybe even 2006, too. In fact, it could be the best news I’ve gotten since I’ve joined this abominated organization.

I’ve even developed a plan to help me better enjoy the moment:

  1. Shout “Yes!” at random times during the day.
  2. Repeat as necessary.

I feel really good.

Yes!

Monday, January 28, 2008

How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian

Some time ago, I performed stand-up for a “talent audition” of sorts. It was for a Christmas show or something, and the best auditioners (word?) would get to perform at the show. You could showcase any talent, but since talents not relating to sports (read “football”) are lame, I auditioned while doing stand-up (more of a skill, really). I think I did pretty well, but nobody else showed up. So ultimately, the whole thing got scrapped; No show, no stand-up, nothing.

Despite my disappointment in the whole ordeal, it reinvigorated my passion for stand-up routines. So I thought, “Even though I’m not a professional comedian, and even though I don’t perform on a regular basis, and even though I’ve never done large shows, and even though I’m probably not that good, I should share my knowledge to help other aspiring stand-up comedians.” So here it is, ten tips for suck-cess.

  1. Steal Material From Other People – Most people will tell you that the “Golden Rule” of comedy is to never steal the work of others. Well, most people aren’t fucking famous, are they? The trick here is to do it discretely, that way no one will call you out/have their lawyers contact you. For example, instead of doing George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV” routine, do “Six Words You Can’t Say on the Radio.” Actually, wait, don’t do that; I’m gonna use it. I called it, and don’t fucking steal material from me.
  2. Don’t Fucking Steal Material From Me – Just don’t.
  3. Lists of Three – Whenever you list things while doing stand-up, try to keep your list down to a nice, even, perfect square, composite three. For instance, if you were doing a joke on “The Best Ways to Rape Hillary Duff”, you’d only want to list the three funniest ways, despite there being nearly countless preconceived and well thought out possibilities. I don’t recommend it, though, as most people find jokes concerning Hillary Duff to be offensive.
  4. Am I Fucking Stupid? – What did I just write about lists of three? Fucking idiot.
  5. Steal Material From Other People – See step 1.
  6. Steal Material From Other People – See steps 1, 5.
  7. “Call Back” Jokes – Call back jokes can be especially funny if used by a master of the comedic arts. It’s pretty simple: You take a joke and relate it (somehow) to a seemingly unrelated joke used earlier during your act. Actually…
  8. Steal Material From Other People – (A terrible example of a call back joke.)
  9. Blatant/Unrestricted Use of Vulgar Language – In stand-up, this is sometimes called “going blue” though nobody knows why. Swearing can sometimes enhance is the main and only staple of comedy. Typically, the more swearing, the funnier the show (always). To improve your swearing technique, I recommend studying one of the masters of profanity, the always funny, very tasteful, never offensive but still edgy Michael Richards; Class act all the way.
  10. Never Steal Material From Other People – This is typically regarded as the “Golden Rule” of comedy. No matter what, never steal someone else’s work.

You should now be ready to conquer the comedic world. Also, never rehearse, as improv is always funny. If you suck at improv, that’s okay, because watching somebody die on stage is also funny. Go, minions, be funny.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Archie Manning Had Sons Switch Teams

NEW ORLEANS, La – From his Garden District home in New Orleans, Archie Manning allegedly told close friends that he arranged for his sons, both NFL quarterbacks, to switch teams in Week 17 of the 2007 NFL season.

The source, who spoke under condition of anonymity, told reporters about the underground “trade”. “Archie had a bunch of us over for a barbecue one night, and over a couple of beers he mentions something about how well Peyton’s been doing since Week 17. We all asked him ‘What are you talking about?’ because, you know, he’d been doing pretty bad, and the Colts even lost their playoff game.”

At this point, the source said, Archie Manning knew he had slipped up. “I guess he figured that he’d already let the cat out of the bag, because he started telling us about how he had Peyton and Eli switch teams right after Week 16.” Apparently, no one, not even the players or coaches, were keen to the difference.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin has since been reached for comment, saying, “I thought Eli sounded a little less dumb lately, but then again I figured he was just coming into his own. I guess it was just too good to be true.”

Running back Brandon Jacobs also noticed a slight difference in “Eli” but again attributed it only to improved effort. “When he stopped throwing picks, I was like ‘Damn dawg, nice game.’ I shoulda [sic] known it was Peyton the whole damn time.”

Others, however, claimed they had an inkling that something had happened. Wide receiver Amani Toomer told the press, “I know something was up when he started throwing perfect spirals, hitting his receivers in stride and stopped holding onto the ball for so long.” Toomer did not, however, consider that Eli had switched teams with brother Peyton. “I just figured he had some robotics shit put in his arm; you know, like the Six Million Dollar Man,” Toomer said.

The unnamed source told reporters Archie Manning arranged for his sons to switch teams when he saw the Giants were going to play the unbeaten Patriots in Week 17. “He said something like, ‘I knew Peyton would have a better chance at beating them than Eli would.’ Then he said he was so damned impressed with how Peyton played with the Giants that he decided to keep him in on the New York squad for the rest of the playoffs.”

Although Archie Manning could not be reached for comment, most football experts are acknowledging that the allegation is “probably true.” “Just look at how different Eli played before and after Week 17 – The differences are astounding,” said former quarterback and ESPN football analyst Steve Young. “In my mind, I just think there’s no way a player could turn himself around like that so quickly. In addition to that, look at how poorly the Colts performed in the same time period. ‘Peyton’ looked nothing like himself, and that’s probably because he was Eli.”

Michael Irvin, a former commentator on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown, commented on a Dallas radio show that he’s certain the two players switched. “That nigga [Peyton Manning] can play some muthafuckin’ football now, fo’ real. That other nigga [Eli Manning] sucks mo’ dick than a Goddamn Jenna Jameson. I mean, them niggas had ta switch. It’s obvious, yo.”

The NFL is reportedly set on investigating the case. Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Friday, “We will find out if these allegations are true, probably after the Superbowl. I don’t want to bother the teams right now, as they’re still preparing for the big one. But after the Superbowl, you can bet that we’ll look into it. Unless you’re a player – No betting for them.”

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Hilton’s Comments Possible Cause of Hospitalizations, Death

LOS ANGELES, Ca – Paris Hilton, the well known socialite-turned-actress-turned-recording artist, has a bit of a bone to pick with the wearing of authentic fur attire. Last Wednesday Hilton attended an anti-fur rally in Downtown Los Angeles’ Fashion District, and was given a spot as a guest speaker at the event. Hilton’s remarks at the rally have come under fire from medical professionals as of late, however.

During and after Hilton’s speech, several members of the audience fell to the ground or began suffering from extreme pain and dizziness. Doctors at the nearby California Hospital Medical Center were shocked to see young, healthy individuals in this condition. Most of the patients reported feeling fine immediately before Hilton spoke.

Alonzo Villareal, 24, attended the rally and suffered from a heart attack. “I felt this burning in my chest, then it turned into a sharp, intense pain. I fell to my knees and started saying ‘Get me to a hospital; Get me to help, please.'” Villareal said he felt noticeably different after hearing Hilton say “Wearing authentic fur is absolutely tasteless.” “I was just like ‘wow’,” remarked Villareal, “for her of all people to say something is tasteless is really amazing.”

Mario Rueda, 32, was also in the audience when he suddenly collapsed while Hilton was speaking. “The last thing I remember was Paris saying, ‘People who wear fur are really thoughtless; They just don’t have any consideration for any other living thing.’ Then I woke up here. The doctors told me I had a stroke and I’m lucky to be alive.”

Doctors were puzzled at first as to what caused their bodies to fail them at such a young age, but as the patients kept piling in, their stories kept getting told. Doctors believed they knew the cause after Andrew Potsvin told them his story.

Potsvin, 28, was rushed to the emergency room after suffering an aneurysm burst at the base of his brain. “I heard her [Hilton] say something about people being shallow. She said something like ‘People who wear fur are shallow,’ then
I just remember seeing black.”

Dr. Martin Livingstone, who specializes in brain hemorrhages, said that Potsvin’s aneurysm was probably not a preexisting condition. “More than likely,” Livingstone continued, “the vessel just burst under the sheer weight of the irony.”

Three other people also suffered severe injuries. Caitlin Semarks, 29, suffered a heart attack. Randall Timmons, 34, and Carlos Tatinio, 26, both suffered strokes. All three reported similar circumstances surrounding their conditions.

Sadly, Clay Truman passed away after suffering a massive heart attack. He was not able to tell doctors what happened, but witnesses at the scene of his demise claimed that Hilton said “Fur-wearers are people who have an inflated sense of self-importance, but they should really take a look in the mirror and realize they’re just like everyone else.” Truman was pronounced dead at the scene.

Dr. Tim Phemoan, head of the cardiology department at the hospital told reporters “There’s no doubt that Paris Hilton’s vulgar display of incongruity jeopardized countless lives.” Phemoan told the press he’s “surprised there weren’t more casualties,” and that “We’re lucky there was only one death, so far.”

Doctors have determined that reading, saying, or hearing the remarks are not harmful, but “to hear them directly from the harlot’s mouth” is extremely dangerous. Doctors urge that anyone with live recordings of the event dispose of them with immediate and thorough destruction.

Some of the attendees who survived Hilton’s speech joked that any recordings of the event would be “a ring recording,” drawing similarity to the film The Ring. In it, after a character watches a particular video they die in seven days.

“Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all dead in a week,” remarked Dr. Phemoan in regards to the surviving audience.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Heath Ledger to Be on Dr. Phil Show

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 12:19 am
Tags: , , ,

LOS ANGELES, Ca – Heath Ledger, known notably as the Academy Award nominated actor of Brokeback Mountain, is scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil, the talk show hosted by psychology-centric television personality Phil McGraw. Ledger recently died on the 22nd on January, possibly of a drug overdose. Foul play and suicide are not suspected.

McGraw reportedly called Ledger’s agent on Wednesday, one day after the actor’s death. Ledger’s agent agreed to have the actor on Dr. Phil sometime next week, after Ledger’s autopsy. Critics are calling the move desperate, saying that McGraw is simply trying to boost ratings. “Of course he’s just doing it for publicity,” said author Steve Salerno. “There’s no helping Ledger now; he’s just too far gone. Dr. Phil can do nothing for him, and he’s obviously only doing it to increase interest in his show.”

Salerno also added, “[McGraw] probably can’t help anybody, but that’s really beside the point.”

McGraw defended his actions, issuing a press release. “I’m going to do my best to help Mr. Ledger turn his life and death around,” the statement read. “Hopefully we can put a positive spin on this whole ordeal and really help him get back on track. Heath Ledger is clearly having some very difficult times right now. He needs help now more than ever, and I’m willing to give him the help he needs.”

Ledger’s family could not be reached for comment, but were reportedly expecting him to be back in Perth, Australia, around the time of the show. Ledger’s agent told reporters that his appearance on Dr. Phil “shouldn’t delay his return by too much.”

[Author’s note: This post is meant to poke fun at Dr. Phil, not the tragic and untimely death of Mr. Ledger. My sincerest apologies to anyone who finds this post offensive due to Heath Ledger being mentioned in such a manner. You’re probably still offended anyway.]

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Giants Avenging Regular Season Losses

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – The New York Giants avenged three of their regular season losses in the playoffs by beating Dallas, who they lost to twice, in the divisional playoffs and by defeating the Green Bay Packers Sunday in the NFC Championship game. But the Giants also avenged another much less publicized loss this year, by receiving permission from the NFL to conduct an exhibition game in Week 9, their off week.

In mid-September of this year, a remotely controlled model airplane was flown into Giants stadium and suicide-attacked Giants General Manager Jerry Reese and, witnesses claim, quarterback Eli Manning and defensive end Michael Strahan. Manning and Strahan were not injured during the incident, but Reese suffered severe injuries and was kept on life support in critical condition at New York Presbyterian Hospital. Reese was able to recover, but was kept out-of-the-loop for several weeks while nursing his wounds.

“At first we thought it was some rowdy Jets fans,” said head coach Tom Coughlin. “They usually do stuff like that. One time they left a flaming bag of dog shit outside my office. I ruined some good game-day loafers. But this was much more serious; They tried to take out the faces of our franchise as well as crippling our trading ability. This was a symbolic and economic attack.”

Giants co-owner John Mara told reporters “Well, I immediately thought it was those fucking Patriots. One time, they put pipe bombs in our locker rooms, but Bill Belichick later told us it was for the Jets players. But still, I wouldn’t put it past them to try this on us when they knew we’d be the last stop in the road for their bid of an undefeated regular season. [Co-owner] Steve [Tisch] thought it was Belichick, too.”

The Giants organization was shocked, however, when Al-Qaida, the terrorist organization, claimed responsibility for the attack. Head coach Tom Coughlin immediately took action on the behalf of angry fans, telling them in a press conference “I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked this general manager down will hear all of us soon.” Coughlin also told the fans about the failed attempt on Manning, adding “Our enemies have made the mistake that the Giants’ enemies always make. They saw Eli [Manning] and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat.” Many questioned this statement, citing that Manning may, in fact, be a weakness, but his performances in the playoffs have been anything but weak, fulfilling Coughlin’s prophecy.

Coughlin worked with the NFL to schedule an exhibition game against Al-Qaida, and his request was granted. On November 4th, during their bye week, the Giants flew to Kabul, Afghanistan for perhaps their most meaningful game at that point in the season. However, approximately 10 minutes before the Al-Qaida Jihadists were to take the field, their locker room was ambushed by two squads of U.S. Marines. Being told by the NFL to either play or forfeit, the Jihadists took the field with two detainees who were blindfolded, cuffed, and shackled, along with nine corpses. The Giants easily manhandled the Jihadists in their revenge effort, and won 62-0. They were accused by some of running up the score.

The U.N., appalled by such a show of force, attempted to place sanctions and embargoes on the Giants, but these were quickly negated by the much more powerful NFL front office.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Racism to End in 2028

Filed under: Fake News,Hate,Holidays — Jill Hater @ 12:03 am
Tags: , , , ,

STANFORD, Ca – A recent study conducted by Stanford University predicts that racism in the United States should end by about the year 2028. Political science Professor Coit Blacker, who co-authored the study with Professor Larry Diamond, told reporters Tuesday that the “findings are indisputable; Racism will most certainly end on or before the year 2028.”

Blacker pointed out that racism has been in steady decline over the past few decades. “With most of today’s racists being older, white men from the southern U.S., the inevitable hand of death should finish off most of racism.” Blacker also stated that anti-racism education introduced to most students during elementary school coupled with effective public awareness programs keeps many younger Americans from becoming racists. Also, the infamous “Court of Public Opinion” heavily chastises those who say or do things regarded as racist.

Blacker did, however, acknowledge that racism could still be breeding, even today, in areas along the U.S. border with Mexico. Blacker stated that education and awareness programs may not be enough to ward off racism against Mexicans in these areas. “What we really need to do is build a big ass wall or an electric fence to keep those fucking Mexicans out of our Goddamn country. If the stinky, river-crossing, wet-backed bastards don’t get in here, then nobody can learn to be racist against them. This is a fool-proof plan, I assure you.”

When questioned if he himself was being racist, Blacker responded, “Uh, my fucking name is ‘Blacker’, dumbass, what do you think? Also, I’m a professor at thee Stanford University. Do you really think they’re going to hire a racist? God, you’re dumb. What are you, Latino?”

The study, which has been three years in the making, was handed out shortly after the press conference. Not released with the original work (but expected to be released in future versions) was a graph used by Blacker to help illustrate his findings to the press. In it, it showed the level of racism throughout key points in America’s history and future, and showed what most Americans in the given time period would consider “barely racist”. The graph is shown below.

Racism Graph

When asked how he figured racism would end in 2028 specifically, Blacker told the press, “That’s twenty years from now. Do you really think racism will still be around in twenty years? You cynical bastards. Mark my words, in twenty years there will be zero racist or prejudice people living in the United States.” Blacker added that racism would probably end on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day or Flag Day, to be more precise.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

ROFLCATS: A Tribute to Devarr.com

Filed under: Animals,Hate — Jill Hater @ 12:18 am
Tags: , ,

Chris Bluman may have had the original idea of attempting to destroy the lolcat subculture by constructing unorthodox posters of them. These new posters seethed with hatred for lolcats and used phrases like “Im in ur car – dying” and “Fuck Cats”. Sadly, that post no longer exists, but the concept lives on. In tribute to Devarr.com, I present “ROFLCATS: A Tribute to Devarr.com”.

lolcat Ceiling Cat cat euthanized lolcat
lolcat cat eating kitten lolcat dog eats cat

lolcat cat in jar lolcat dead cat lolcat cat kills rabbit

lolcat eating kitten cannibal lolcat acupuncture cat
lolcat cat eats food laced with arsenic lolcat tiger

Next Page »