GLENDALE, Az – New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, known in part for his unusual seclusion and unwillingness to speak openly to the media, held a press conference Wednesday concerning Superbowl XLII. In in, Belichick covered many topics, from Tom Brady’s ankle to his team’s mental readiness, but most interestingly of all, he issued a warning to the players and staff of the New York Giants.
“The families of the players and coaches of the Giants have been kept under constant surveillance for the past three weeks,” said Belichick. “We know their locations, and we will not hesitate to move in if the game does not go our way.” Belichick would not comment specifically on what he meant, but did mention, “It won’t be pretty; trust me.”
Patriots owner Roger Kraft was reached for comment after the conference ended. In a phone conversation with FOX Sports reporters, Kraft said, “Let’s hope there won’t be any need to spill blood. Oh yes, there will be lots of blood, unless we win. Got that?”
Reporters asked most of the Patriots roster if they knew what Belichick’s plans and surveillance were about. Quarterback Tom Brady was the only player to comment. “I don’t think coach will have to set those plans in motion – We’re playing pretty good football right now. But should the unthinkable happen and we lose, well, uh, let’s just say that unimaginable suffering will come unto them.” When asked to elaborate Brady only added, “It’s really fucked up. Seriously, you don’t want to know.”
Tom Coughlin told the press he’s not worried. “My house has several panic rooms, three mercenary guard platoons, and two dozen Belgian Malinois attack dogs. Whatever Bill has planned, I’m ready for it.”
Giants players appear to be taking precautions as well. “I bought my wife an FN P90 submachine gun, and she’s gotten really good with it,” said wide receiver Amani Toomer. “Also, my lawn is now filled with land mines, both anti-personnel and anti-vehicular. On game day, I think she’ll be safe.”
Giants defensive end Michael Strahan reportedly sent his family into orbit. “That’s the only place that I know they’ll be safe,” said Strahan. “Unless Belichick uses his missile equipped laser-death satellite. Oh shit!”
“I’m just glad I’m not playing,” injured tight end Jeremy Shockey told reporters. “I hope Belichick takes that into consideration on Super Sunday. You hear that, old man, I have nothing to do with this,” Shockey yelled while shaking his fist into the air.
Deputy Director of the FBI, John Pistole, was asked by several news organizations if he would do anything about the vaguely worded “threats”. “I’d like to, honestly,” Pistole said, “but Bill Belichick has assured me that he is currently conducting surveillance on my family, as well as the families of some of our best agents.” Pistole would not comment further on the situation, only adding “Let’s just hope the Giants lose on Sunday.”