Potvin Newsly

Monday, January 7, 2008

Ultimate Chess

In Cranston, Rhode Island, at the Adult Correctional Facility, inmates had a few more tricks up their sleeves than just queen-side castling and the occasional en passant in their chess matches. Here in the minimum security prison, the chess club was being used as a front organization for a fight club.

Fucking A.

I found this article in the newspaper. (Also found here in an article from the ProJo.) It was the most newsworthy article of them all, and truly deserved to be on the front page. It was on page seven. Close enough; Tiny victories.

Turns out, the correctional officers had no idea until they noticed inmates with bruises on their heads and knuckles. Then an investigation was launched. 10 inmates were sentenced to a higher security prison.

Think that’ll stop Prison Chess Fight Club? Not a chance. Ten days later another ten inmates were sentenced to a higher security facility. Did any of the staff condone the activities? Probably. If I was warden, this would just about be mandated.

The prisoners were able to keep their secret “fight club” under wraps by using grade school tactics. The inmates likely posted a sentry at the door of the “fight room” (aptly named), so that the fighting would stop when a guard approached. Nice…!

But these prisoners weren’t doing this for just fun and games, mind you. Many inmates gambled on the matches, and, most impressively, they had a makeshift championship belt. They cut it out of a magazine, and the belt was given to the best fighter.

YOU ARE THE BURGER KING! FUCK YEAH!

Tracey Poole, a Department of Corrections spokeswoman, said “This is the first time we have been aware of any ultimate fighting going on.” So what? Have you been aware of lesser forms of fight clubs? Ultimate fighting is, as its name implies, the ultimate form of fighting. Maybe boxing, or even slap fights have been taking place, under the guise of a checkers tournament or a backgammon posse? If those absurd accusations I’ve just laid forth are true, then you should’ve seen this coming from a mile away, Tracey.

The penultimate unintended joke from the article stated that Christopher Suarez, 22, of Woonsocket (Rhode Island?) was the current Ultimate Fighting Champion of the Cranston facility. Good for him. Lastly it stated that he’s serving 16 months for a felony assault for when he and three other men brutally beat up a young man and his girlfriend. I bet he won that fight, too.

This web log dedicated to Christopher “Ass-kicker” Suarez, Cranston Adult Correctional Facility Ultimate Fighting Champion and total badass/felon/societal scum.

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