I was intrigued today at work when I noticed a bottle of what, at first glance, appeared to be seasoning salt abounded with pepper. I am one who finds seasoning salt to be one of the best season-ers (word?), as well as one of my top five salts (fuck you, potassium carbonate). What sparked my interest in it even more was that here the only seasonings are regular table salt and ground pepper. Sick. So, this could be the end of my taste bud’s purgatory, for the time being. I went in for a closer look.
Upon further inspection with my eyeballs, I came to realize this was “French fry seasoning” from a company called “Fresh Finds.” So, in all, it was “Fresh Finds French fry seasoning.” Lame. I was curious, however, as to what, if anything, it did. I read the backside of the label.
“The taste sensation you use instead of salt.” One look at the ingredients list says otherwise. Main ingredient: salt. You bastards. You lying, cocksucking, motherfucking bastards. Tell me more.
“Adds extra goodness and flavor to fried potatoes and onions.” Extra goodness? How can you, why did, what, I,… What the fuck does that even mean?! Extra goodness?!?! That’s fucked up, man. Fresh Finds, fire whoever is in charge of writing your promotional labels, because they suck more than the inner-upward vortex of an F5 tornado. On to the last sentence.
“Ideal on steak and pork chops, too.” You have to be kidding me. Who eats pork chops with French fries? I’ve never heard of such nonsense. You might as well write something like “Try it with pizza or ice cream, or both at the same time!” At least that sounds exciting.
To top it off, the picture on the front label says “Suggested Serving” and shows a plate full of nothing but fucking French fuck fries. If the shit is ideal on steak and/or pork chops, why not show that instead? Something tells me they showed French fries because it’s called “French fry seasoning.” Real inventive, fuckwads. I can understand you showing French fries on the front, you know, to help reinforce the fact that it is, in fact, French fry seasoning. But then you say it’s the suggested serving? Why didn’t you suggest it on the back, with all of your other lies/dumbass suggestions?
Lastly, the bottle never mentioned if French fry seasoning was supposed to make your food taste more like French fries, or if it was intended to make French fries taste better. Some say the best advertising invokes curiosity. I haven’t heard much about the advertising that invokes anger, but I’m sure it doesn’t do well.
Fuck Fresh Finds French fry seasoning.