Lately it’s almost like you can’t throw around the words assassinate and president without the NSA, DHS, or CIA wiretapping you or monitoring your website and throwing you into one of their many secret prisons located in eastern Europe. But I saw quite the show yesterday, which had layer upon layer upon layer of seemingly impenetrable / endless / overly-excessive / infuriatingly-onerous security cake, topped with a thin icing of rooftop snipers. All of this could only make me think, “Man, who’d be fucking stupid enough to even try to assassinate the guy?” For those stupid enough, I have compiled a list of reasons to NOT assassinate the President.
- If you get away with it, a jealous assassin will assassinate you.
- You will not get away with it; You’re bound to get caught by somebody with a fucking cellphone camera.
- You’ll have a bad credit report.
- You won’t have nearly as many bands name themselves after you as you originally thought.
- You’ll be shot by Jack Ruby’s terminally ill grandson.
- It won’t bring your dog back from puppy-heaven.
- All cries of “Don’t tase me, bro!” are promptly ignored by the Secret Service.
- All cries of “Don’t kick me in the teeth, bro!” are also promptly ignored by the Secret Service.
- Prison showers.
- You (probably) won’t get to eat him when you’re done.
- Rival assassins on a nearby grassy knoll fire before you even get a chance to load your weapon. Then they go to the police and blame it on you.
- The 83 pound Belgian Malinois attack dogs employed by the Secret Service.
- Dick Cheney will be the new president.
- Political asylum only offered in really shitty places to live, like Libya, North Korea, and France. **Shudder… “Not France!”**
- Conspiracy theorists will beat off to your mugshot.
- Your ex-girlfriend won’t take you back because of it.
- “Zombie George W. Bush” is technically not the same person as “George W. Bush” so he could, in theory, run for office two more times.
If you’re still dead set on becoming the next Lee Wilkes Boothwald or Leon Czolgosz*, then, uh, read the list again.
*An ostentatious† reference.
†An ostentatious adjective.