Potvin Newsly

Monday, January 14, 2008

Baghdad Locals Blame Americans for Snow

BAGHDAD, Jan. 11 – Light snow fell in Iraq’s capital city early Friday in what weather officials said was the first time in about 100 years, and was probably because of stupid Americans. Residents declared it an omen of evil American war tactics.

“It is the first time we’ve seen snow in Baghdad,” said 60-year-old Hassan Zahar. He then muttered “Fucking Americans,” under his breath. He added, “We’ve seen sleet before, but never snow. I looked at the faces of all the people, they were astonished, and very angry, at the Americans of course.”

Another local resident, Mohamed abdul-Mohamad al-Muhammad, told reporters that he was momentarily covered with snowflakes. “In my hair, on my shoulders- I couldn’t get them off. I am sure the Americans are trying to poison us. The Jews probably have something to do with it, too.”

Traffic policeman Murtadha Fadhil, huddling under a balcony to keep hidden from angered Iraqis, stated “I hope the people [of Baghdad] only take their fear and anger out on the Americans and don’t try to blame me, my coworkers, or my family. We’ve fallen on pretty hard times lately, you know, with the war and all, and this is really the last thing we needed.”

Local insurgent Ahchhkchmed Nasinaninjataminanabar told reporters that he was feeling opportunistic about the snow. “Sure, I’m very angry because the Americans are to blame for this, wink-wink,” he said while winking, “But this could be a great thing for us [insurgents and terrorists]. Just think, if it keeps falling, we’ll have snowbanks all over the city. That’s perfect for my new snow-colored roadside bombs!”

U.S. Commanding General David Petraeus could not be reached for comment, but a press aide had this to say: “What the fuck is wrong with these people? Coalition forces are not doing any of this shit. We’re getting blamed for mysterious man-eating badgers in Basra and putting sharks in the Shatt al-Arab. And now this? Oh, I get it, the Americans control the fucking weather, right?” The aide then added, with what may or may not have been extreme sarcasm, “We have a magical machine that makes the weather do whatever we want, and it runs off of orphans’ hearts carved out of still-breathing chests. If the citizens of Iraq actually believe that, then this country’s seriously fucked.” When asked to elaborate further on the weather machine, the aide only said “I, uh – Forget it, just fucking forget it, alright?!” then stormed out of the room, knocking over a lamp and two vases before slamming the door.

One local Iraqi did tell reporters that he enjoyed the snow and thought it was nice, but then told reporters “that’s because I’m not a complete fucking idiot.”

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2 Comments »

  1. If this is yours, consider it top tier and worthy of onion submission.

    Comment by Phil Fox — Tuesday, January 15, 2008 @ 2:13 am | Reply

  2. I tried to find a place on their site to volunteer stories, but my search was fruitless. So it ended up here instead.

    Comment by Jill Hater — Tuesday, January 15, 2008 @ 5:55 am | Reply


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