It occurred to both myself and my friend, Philip, that we should be in charge of all the world’s sports, with a focus on American sports, with a focus on football. The fact is, all of these commissioners are pussies, and they don’t do anything to serious impact or improve their sports. Upon Philip and I being named the Commissioners of All Sports (official title), we would immediately begin to improve the landscape of athletic competition.
MAJOR NOTES FROM THE COMMISSIONERS’ FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE
- College football teams may now trade their players. For anything. It doesn’t have to be another player, it could be a trade for drugs, guns, or money. Or kittens; We really don’t give a fuck.
- Football assassinations shall now be allowed to take place, but you must clear any assassinations with us ahead of time, to ensure that you will not kill one of our favorite players.
A.J. Smith (Chargers GM): “Tom Brady is on pace for 4,832 TD passes this year; how do we stop him?”
Norv Turner (Chargers Head Coach): “With a bullet. But they’ll still have Randy Moss.”
Smith: “No, he’s already been ‘taken care of.'”
Turner: “Well, the game plan’s done for this week; Let’s go get drunk.”
- The only two team participating in the NFL draft this year will be the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs.
- And the Patriots will have to trade all of their players to those two teams.
- Minnesota will be allowed to keep their NFL franchise, but they must be renamed the Minnesota Fagots. All of the players will have to suck each other off at halftime to ensure that they are in fact gay.
- In Oakland, Robert Gallery must punt JaMarcus Russell in the dick before every offensive play.
- Ohio State will hereby forfeit all of their Big Ten titles and any trophies and give them to, uh, I dunno… Grambling State.
- All MLB teams are hereby required to lose by no fewer than 15 runs any time they are to play the Atlanta Braves.
- Also, baseball is not to be televised unless requested by Philip or myself.
- All NHL franchises that play in cities where it does not snow must move to Alaska and perform fellatio on polar bears.
- All NASCAR drivers are to surrender their wives to us and will hereto refer to Philip and I as ‘The Overlords.”
- All NASCAR cars will be painted pink to further insult the drivers.
- The Olympics will be renamed the “Nobody Gives a Shit Games.”
- All athletes who win gold in the Nobody Gives a Shit Games who are not Americans will move to the United States and be granted citizenship. This is not an option.
- All NBA players named “Shaquille O’Neal” must slit their wrists and jump into a pool of sharks.
- All teams with ambiguously named mascots, such as the San Diego Chargers or the Montreal Canadiens, will have the next 4 seconds to rename their franchises or their players will be executed and the teams will be dissolved.
- Any team named the “Bobcats” must fight an equal numbered team of real bobcats to ensure they are worthy of this title.
- Are the Detroit Lions players hear? Good, you’re next. Philip, let the lions out.
- The Kansas City Chiefs may field one Indian chief on horseback with flaming arrows on both sides of the ball.
- The Toronto Maple Leafs must hereby start at least one maple leaf per game.
- Don’t blame this on Philip and I, it’s not our fault you guys picked a leaf for you mascot. If I had a hockey team, it’d be called the Gretzkies.
- Our football team will be named the Jim Browns-Joe Montantas-1970’s Steeler Defense-Devin Hesters-Randy Moss. Don’t be jealous just because we picked a better mascot and/or mandated players; Package deal, folks.
- From here forth, all softball teams must disband and play baseball. Unless beer is involved.
- All women volleyball players must play topless and then winning team will have sex with us and the losing team will give us their pay check, if there is one.
- The only exception to the above rule is if one of the winning players is ugly; She will immediately be traded to the losing team for a better looking player after the game. Also, if we say so.
The sports-world would change for the better; This is certain.