SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – The North American Man/Boy Love Association, better known to some by the acronym NAMBLA, recently issued a press release saying that Michael Jackson has declined their invitation to join their newest public relations project.
The project, which was kept secret until as of late, is a band that is intended to “soften the public’s rage” over NAMBLA’s advocacy of pedophilia and child molestation. Kevin Brown, a self-proclaimed boy-fucker and NAMBLA member, is heading the project. “Basically, we figured we could come up with a band, you know, like a parody band, so it would make people laugh. Maybe if people laughed more, they’d let us have more sex with underage non-consenting boys.”
The parody band, named Boyz IV Men, has yet to materialize with any members, but NAMBLA constituents remain hopeful. Brown recalled that Michael Jackson “was initially excited about the opportunity” but ultimately declined stating that he doesn’t “do parodies.”
Lance Bass, N*SYNC’s gay ex-member, was also approached, but told NAMBLA that he didn’t want to ruin his life more than he already has.
“It’s been tough, real tough,” said Brown, referring to the struggles of jump-starting the would-be musical ensemble. “We almost had Weird Al, but he got really pissy when he heard we also sent an invitation to Cletus T. Judd. You know, we just figured these guys are the best in the parody businness, so why not ask them?”
“Weird Al” Yankovic has not made a public statement, but his publicist did release the following: “Cletus T. Judd is just a hack that gets his ‘success’ from the hard work of others. He does little more than take good songs and ruins them in an attempt to make them funny, which he does not. My client [Yankovic] makes funny parodies, as he does not suck, and does not have any interest in being a part of a band that also supports Mr. Judd.” When asked about the “sex with little boys” part, the publicist said “Uh, I’m not sure if Alfred [Yankovic] was opposed to that or not, but he didn’t mention it. My guess is that he doesn’t care; He’s very open-minded, you know.”
Brown remarked that he’s disappointed in Yankovic’s decision, but said that he “totally understood what he was talking about.” Brown also stated that NAMBLA had not yet recieved a call-back from Mr. Judd, but said he felt confident that Judd would be on board sometime later this month.
“We really felt we had a golden opportunity with Michael [Jackson], though,” expressed Brown. “We really thought it could be win-win; Boyz IV Men would get a ton of publicity because him and I think it’d really help our public image, and he could revive his career in addition to getting lots of time to commit statutory rape with prepubescent boys, likely without facing criminal charges.”
Brown said NAMBLA was also working on numerous other projects to improve their image, such as poster showing a naked boy weeping in a corner while an older man sits in a recliner, smoking a cigar; a commercial informing viewers that “taking candy from strangers is okay, and strongly encouraged, unless you’re a girl”; and promotional billboards posting phrases like “Ever Wonder What It Would Be Like With a 12 YO Boy?” and “Get On Par With The Vatican”, among others.