REYKJAVIK, Iceland – Bobby Fischer was pronounced dead Thursday in an Icelandic hospital, leaving behind him a legacy of unmatched chess greatness and psychotic paranoia. French chess expert Olivier Tridon noted “Bobby Fischer has died at age 64; Like the 64 squares of a chess board.” He immediately added “Also ironic was his intense hatred of Jews, despite the fact that his mother was Jewish. Huh, weird.”
Bobby Fischer: Chess Virtuoso
Fischer dropped out of high school, saying it was for “losers and Zionists.” He was sure his abnormally high intelligence and brilliance would win him fortunes untold. He determined the best way to get lots of money was to be really good at chess. Really, really good. He proceded to win fame for his chess adventures, becoming the U.S. champion at age 14, and often equating himself with “the boy wonder, Johnny Quest,” but noted that he did not have an Indian friend.
Fischer was made more famous in 1972, when he defeated rival Soviet chess player Boris Spassky to become the world chess champion and start the fall of the U.S.S.R., which was completed in the next two decades, mostly by other people. For two years prior, Fischer dominated the chess landscape, and made damn sure people knew about. After one match, Fischer claimed he “could beat Jesus at chess” and told the media he should be President of the Solar System.
After beating Spassky, however, Fischer decided the best way to improve his chess playing was to not play anyone else for three years. Then, in 1975, he was called to defend his title against Anatoly Karpov. When the international chess federation refused to meet one of Fischer’s 64 demands (which included fresh baby’s blood in 64 oz. “Big Gulp” plastic cups and control over the southern hemisphere should he win), Fisher refused to play, ensuring he would remain the world champion forever, or so he told everyone. The federation later revoked Fischer’s status as world champion, citing that he was “being a total crybaby” about the whole incident.
Bobby Fischer: Fucking Psycho
Fischer decided to then focus his energy elsewhere, and became one of the world’s foremost anti-Semitic hermits. He began fashioning together theories that the Jewish-controlled media was out to get him. “They constantly use the words eccentric, eccentric, eccentric, weird,” said Fischer, in regards to the media’s portrayal of him. He then eccentrically proclaimed, “I am boring. I AM BORING!!!” Many thought this was weird.
Fischer would later go on to say he was the victim of an international Jewish conspiracy, denied the holocaust ever happened, argued that the U.S. is “a farce controlled by dirty, hook-nosed, circumcised Jew bastards,” further described Jews as “thieving, lying bastards,” and alleged that Jews engineered a conspiracy to kill off all the world’s elephants. [Sadly, none of that was made up.] Fischer also claimed the Jews were stealing his socks, building a ladder to heaven so they could assassinate Jesus, and forced him to cede away all of his property on Pluto.
Bobby Fischer: Saddam Hussein
Continuing his downward spiral into reclusive lunacy, Fischer referred to the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11th, 2001 as “wonderful news,” adding “I want to see the U.S. wiped out” saying “the U.S. has to be destroyed.” After being heavily crticized for his remarks, Fisher rebutted with “nobody has single-handedly done more for the U.S. than me.” Fischer cited that he had freed the slaves, foiled Lex Luther’s plans on 17 seperate occassions, started the Great Depression just so he could end it, pushed FDR’s wheelchair, blew up two Japanese cities with his mind during WWII, and was responsible for the assassination of President McKinley. The U.S. governement has yet to make any remarks as to the validity of his claims.
In Fischer’s later years, he insisted the world’s top chess matches were decided in advance, and invented his own form of chess, called “Fischerandom.” In it, the pieces are shuffled at the beginning of the match to reinvigorate the game. When asked if he would ever return to normal, real chess, Fischer only responded “I don’t play the old chess. But obviously if I did, I would be the best. Also, I can shoot laserbeams out of my eyes and make a man’s heart explode, just by thinking about it.”
Prompted by Fischer’s departure, David Edmonds, a chess expert, told reporters, “I think many in the chess world don’t want Bobby Fischer’s anti-Semitic and violently anti-American remarks to sully his reputation as one of the greatest chess players of all time.” Edmonds then added, “You know, like how you wouldn’t want Adolf Hitler’s genocide and world domination attempts to sully his reputation as a painter. Though to be fair, Fischer was better at chess than Hitler was at painting.”
Edmonds may have shared this view with Fischer, as the former chess champion was known to have commented “Hitler had the right idea; He was just an underachiever.” It is unclear if Fischer was talking about painting or genocide.
Fischer had once claimed that he beat up both Chuck Norris and God at the same time.