Potvin Newsly

Monday, January 21, 2008

(Sigh of Disappointment, Depression) . . . Fuck

Today I returned from Buehring, (finally), but early this morning a little game, known to some as the “National Football Conference Championship Game” was being played. Since I live in the future, this game was going to start at 3:30 am Monday morning for me (or so said an online AFN schedule). As a dedicated Packers fan, I was obligated to watch this game, despite however inconvenient it may be for my sleep pattern.

Unfortunately, my temporary room at Buehring does not have a television, but I was able to strike a deal with the Indians at Housing. They agreed to let me watch the game on their tv in exchange for me not physically dominating them. Here’s a break down of how my (painfully) early morning went:


  • 3:10 – I wake up groggy and, at first, pissed off to be alive to actually see the game – If I were dead, I’d be sleeping right now.
  • 3:12 – I sit up in bed to contemplate whether or not I should take my own life to get back to sleep.
  • 3:25 – After bumping into my bed, several walls, the door, and my locker, I finish getting dressed in the dark.
  • 3:30 – I arrive at Housing and the Indians immediately change the channel for me (after I stare at them). Then I see that there is 12:34 left in the second quarter. Motherfuck! That is the last fucking time I trust AFN’s online schedule. Only 3-0, New York, though.
  • 3:39 – The city of Green Bay promises to give Donald Driver a blow job. 7-6, Green Bay.
  • 3:49 – Greg Jennings looks cold. Really cold.
  • 3:56 – Troy Aikman points out that Favre is a good veteran quarterback.
  • 3:57 – Favre overthrows his receiver.
  • 4:00 – I think I catch Donald Driver saying “I’m fucking cold.”
  • 4:04 – Aikman informs me that Green Bay is currently colder than the North Pole. I am immediately happy to be at neither.
  • 4:05 – Desire to be at Green Bay returns.
  • 4:06 – Green Bay running back Brandon Jackson displays his crippling inability to read blocks and fucks up an otherwise decent screen play. Field goal makes it 10-6, Green Bay.
  • 4:12 – Holy shit! Tom Coughlin forgot to put on his skin today.
  • 4:14 – Halftime. An Indian from Housing asks me “Who is win?” I begin telling him about Packers running back DeShawn Wynn.
  • 4:20 – Aikman tells me that the fucking Patriots fucking won fucking again. Fuck!
  • 4:28 – An AFN commercial teaches me to wear my dress uniform at fancy restaurants to better take advantage of people’s kindness.
  • 4:34 – Giants rookie wide receiver Steve Smith runs one of the worst out-and-up routes I’ve ever seen, and gets wide open as a result…?! Luckily, Manning throws a bad pass and it is incomplete.
  • 4:46 – Giants running back Brandon Jacobs forces me to plot his murder. 13-10, New York.
  • 4:56 – Thank you, [Giants defensive back] Sam Madison! Your unnecessary roughness penalty turned fourth down into first, and allowed the next play to be a touchdown. 17-13, Green Bay.
  • 5:05 – The Giants continue to not suck. This angers me.
  • 5:08 – So… Angry… 20-17, New York.
  • 5:13 – Ryan Grant does something.
  • 5:18 – Whoa! Whoa! Fuck – Interception! Shit! Fuck! Fumble! Yes! Fuck – Yes! Woooooo!!!
  • 5:20 – The Packers run on second and long for the first time today. Finally.
  • 5:22 – Failed screen play. Again. Field goal is good, 20 all.
  • 5:30 – I want to see the Giants fail to convert just one third down. Please?
  • 5:37 – Fuck, New York, why go for it?! It’s fourth-fuck-down!
  • 5:38 – Ahhhhrgjhf;jgsfg;jsdf (Incoherent, angry suffering).
  • 5:42 – Fuck yeah! Missed field goal! Still 20 all.
  • 5:43 – Why are the Packers running deep routes on first and second down? What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Do they know how cold it is?
  • 5:44 – Fourth down for the Packers. <sarcasm> Fucking great. Good job – Way to run two completely useless plays, then another one that fails to get ten yards on third down. </sarcasm> I see now how this will end: With me cursing bitterly.
  • 5:46 – Green Bay’s poor tackling in the fourth quarter causes me to curse bitterly.
  • 5:47 – Another third down conversion for New York. I curse bitterly.
  • 5:49 – Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila sacks Manning on third and nine. I curse joyfully.
  • 5:50 – 2:48 left and the Packers have the ball. I begin praying, promising God that I will not curse for the rest of the day if the Packers win.
  • 5:52 – 3rd and 15 for Green Bay. I say “Fuck” at the same time as Favre.
  • 5:53 – More bad play selection by Mike McCarthy cause me to damn him… rather bitterly.
  • 5:54 – Motherfuck! Recover the fucking fumble! Recover it! Fucking, Fuck! Asaashlgfhgslnsfsdg (My mind vomits rage.)
  • 5:55 – A holding call against the Giants temporarily saves the Packers’ season.
  • 6:00 – Something just occurred to me: Why is Eli Manning not turning the ball over? C’mon, guy.
  • 6:03 – I curse bitterly as the Giants convert another third down.
  • 6:04 – Four seconds left. 36 yard field goal attempt for the Giants and… OH MY GOD! HE MISSED IT! OH MY FUCKING GOD! AHHHHAHAHA WOOOOOOO!!! (I scream blissfully… And loud.)
  • 6:07 – Green Bay wins the coin toss for overtime. I hope that God is not pulling an unusually cruel joke on me and the Packer Nation, and instead completes the unusually cruel joke He started by having Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes miss that last second field goal.
  • 6:13 – An interception causes me to weep bitterly.
  • 6:16 – I pray that Lawrence Tynes will miss again.
  • 6:17 – I curse bitterly. I regret my decision to not die earlier this morning. Well, 2008’s ruined for me. Fuck everything. (I want to die.)

Well, I’ve now had the whole day to sulk over it. Still pissed. Fuck, probably Favre’s last good year, too. But I will say this: New York Giants, you better fucking beat the New England Patriots.

1 Comment »

  1. I normally have trouble sifting through your football talk almost as much as I hate your bandwagon Bush bashing. But this is probably the highlight of anything I’ve ever seen you do, closely followed but not nearly eclipsed by Suicide Day.

    You depict actual events better than you invent slander.

    BTW Go pats! And I’m curious if anyone is actually going for the Giants more than they just don’t like the pats. I doubt it.

    Comment by ohthathurt — Wednesday, January 30, 2008 @ 6:45 pm | Reply

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