Potvin Newsly

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Hilton’s Comments Possible Cause of Hospitalizations, Death

LOS ANGELES, Ca – Paris Hilton, the well known socialite-turned-actress-turned-recording artist, has a bit of a bone to pick with the wearing of authentic fur attire. Last Wednesday Hilton attended an anti-fur rally in Downtown Los Angeles’ Fashion District, and was given a spot as a guest speaker at the event. Hilton’s remarks at the rally have come under fire from medical professionals as of late, however.

During and after Hilton’s speech, several members of the audience fell to the ground or began suffering from extreme pain and dizziness. Doctors at the nearby California Hospital Medical Center were shocked to see young, healthy individuals in this condition. Most of the patients reported feeling fine immediately before Hilton spoke.

Alonzo Villareal, 24, attended the rally and suffered from a heart attack. “I felt this burning in my chest, then it turned into a sharp, intense pain. I fell to my knees and started saying ‘Get me to a hospital; Get me to help, please.'” Villareal said he felt noticeably different after hearing Hilton say “Wearing authentic fur is absolutely tasteless.” “I was just like ‘wow’,” remarked Villareal, “for her of all people to say something is tasteless is really amazing.”

Mario Rueda, 32, was also in the audience when he suddenly collapsed while Hilton was speaking. “The last thing I remember was Paris saying, ‘People who wear fur are really thoughtless; They just don’t have any consideration for any other living thing.’ Then I woke up here. The doctors told me I had a stroke and I’m lucky to be alive.”

Doctors were puzzled at first as to what caused their bodies to fail them at such a young age, but as the patients kept piling in, their stories kept getting told. Doctors believed they knew the cause after Andrew Potsvin told them his story.

Potsvin, 28, was rushed to the emergency room after suffering an aneurysm burst at the base of his brain. “I heard her [Hilton] say something about people being shallow. She said something like ‘People who wear fur are shallow,’ then
I just remember seeing black.”

Dr. Martin Livingstone, who specializes in brain hemorrhages, said that Potsvin’s aneurysm was probably not a preexisting condition. “More than likely,” Livingstone continued, “the vessel just burst under the sheer weight of the irony.”

Three other people also suffered severe injuries. Caitlin Semarks, 29, suffered a heart attack. Randall Timmons, 34, and Carlos Tatinio, 26, both suffered strokes. All three reported similar circumstances surrounding their conditions.

Sadly, Clay Truman passed away after suffering a massive heart attack. He was not able to tell doctors what happened, but witnesses at the scene of his demise claimed that Hilton said “Fur-wearers are people who have an inflated sense of self-importance, but they should really take a look in the mirror and realize they’re just like everyone else.” Truman was pronounced dead at the scene.

Dr. Tim Phemoan, head of the cardiology department at the hospital told reporters “There’s no doubt that Paris Hilton’s vulgar display of incongruity jeopardized countless lives.” Phemoan told the press he’s “surprised there weren’t more casualties,” and that “We’re lucky there was only one death, so far.”

Doctors have determined that reading, saying, or hearing the remarks are not harmful, but “to hear them directly from the harlot’s mouth” is extremely dangerous. Doctors urge that anyone with live recordings of the event dispose of them with immediate and thorough destruction.

Some of the attendees who survived Hilton’s speech joked that any recordings of the event would be “a ring recording,” drawing similarity to the film The Ring. In it, after a character watches a particular video they die in seven days.

“Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all dead in a week,” remarked Dr. Phemoan in regards to the surviving audience.

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