NEW YORK, NY – Paris Hilton is going to bat for her friend, Britney Spears. Spears, who at times has appeared reckless and lunatical, has been heavily harped on by the media over the past year. In early October, 2007, she officially lost custody of her children to ex-husband Kevin Federline, after a long battle between the two.
Since February of last year, Spears has been checked in and out of multiple substance abuse rehabilitation clinics, been held for psychiatric evaluation, and has been cited for reckless driving behaviors. “None of those things really make her a bad mother, though,” stated Hilton.
After Spears’ divorce with Federline, she and Hilton were seen together partying at clubs and shopping. They were also seen carpooling with Lindsay Lohan, although it is not likely they did this to save gas money or the environment. Above the fire from the media, Hilton has spoke up to defend her comrade.
“Britney doesn’t like, use hardcore drugs around her kids anymore, unless she’s totally for sure they’re sound asleep,” Hilton told the press. “Also, she’d never hit them with an umbrella. That’s just a ridiculous rumor people dreamed up because she attacked a stranger’s car with one; Big deal.”
Hilton continued, saying “When me and Britney go like, clubbing or partying somewhere, she tells the kids to stay put at home and not answer the door for anybody. And like, she really means it and I think they totally understand. Then she gives them as much ice cream as they want for dinner. Talk about the perfect mom! Like, I wish I had that sort of independence when I was one or two years old.”
Hilton commented that Spears “has really gotten her life back together…” She cited that Spears has regrown her hair and promised not to shave it off again, and that she no longer “just leaves cocaine like, lying around on the floor and stuff, where the little fuckers [presumably Spears’ children] can get to it.” Hilton also informed the press that Spears “only drives drunk if the kids are in a car seat or something.”
“Not only that,” Hilton continued, “but she feeds her kids like, almost every other day.” Hilton also mentioned that Spears stopped passing gas on her children as a means of discipline. “No more punishment farts for those kids,” Hilton said.
“You guys have been like, totally unfair and should just leave Britney alone,” added Hilton. “I mean really, like, if you guys knew her, you’d see that she’s pretty much a perfect mother.” Hilton then said “Totally” and “Like” about 15 times in succession.