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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Into the Memory of Anti-Lennism

Filed under: Hate — Jill Hater @ 12:02 am
Tags: , , ,

Over a year ago, when I was in K-town, I distinctly remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine about a little band named Len. Specifically, the conversation covered Len’s solitary hit, Steal My Sunshine. Yeah, remember that shit? Well it was shit.

Personally I had no beef with the song. I never really thought it was great, though it is sort of creepy how close that brother-sister duo are. Weird. But the older I get, and the more my musical taste delves into metal, the more I dislike the song.

But at the time of this conversation I had with my good friend, I was startled to see how much he truly hated both Len and Steal My Sunshine. He could have easily been arguing that they were both the worst band ever and worst song ever, respectively. He told me of how, when he had heard the music for the very first time, he immediately identified that it was shit, true shit, and loathed it right away. He continued to mock the song and became visibly angry from simply recalling these memories.

So nowadays I am in a different place, working with different people. When of the guys I work with, he’s uh, a real douche bag. Other people don’t seem to think so, but I feel it. He complains bitches without end. He is lazy, and appears incompetent. Also, he is easily upset, and constantly gets into arguments and throws tiny fits, several times daily. He is friendly, however. Basically speaking, I do not like this guy overall, but he’s not the worst person I’ve had to deal with. I guess that’s not saying much on the side of him saving grace, but whatever – I’m about to destroy that anyway.

Now the other day a couple of my coworkers offered me a ride back to my barracks. I accepted. When I got into the car, what of all songs was playing but Steal My Sunshine! Then, douche bag hopped into the passenger seat about thirty seconds later. Immediately he said “Yes!” and turned the radio up; loud. “Oh my God, he really is a fucking douche bag,” I thought. Proof: he not only likes the song, but he appears to love it. Later, when the driver (not I) remarked, “This song sucks,” he indeed did reply with, “I love this song.”

Despite the music, I couldn’t help but smile. The moment, however painful, brought back the memory of a well-put discussion regarding hatred of lesser things, and, additionally, my coworker proved that he is a lesser thing, vindicating every negative feeling I’ve ever had towards him. Rock on. (Not you, Len. Stop your “rocking” immediately.)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Serial Killer Spotlight: Andrei Chikatilo

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

Andrei Chikatilo was a Soviet serial killer. No, not like Josef Stalin. Like uh, a guy that kills people without political immunity because he’s the ruler of a communist regime. Plus, Chikatilo murdered people himself; he didn’t just simply stand there and order the death of millions of people, like some two-bit dictator.

Like most serial killers, Chikatilo just started killing on weekends or after parties, but he never really meant to get addicted. Fate finds us all at inopportune times, however, and Chikatilo’s life was not really going so well. You see, as a husband and a school teacher, he uh… God, well, fuck – He really did some disturbing stuff I’d rather not mention. Let’s just move onto the murder part.

Chikatilo first killed (we think) in late 1978. He had an old house that he purchased in secret. It was probably just an old get-away place, you know, to escape everyday life and just kind of hang out by oneself and get some g.d. solitude, or even murder some children. Always an opportunist, Chikatilo did it all. He lured a nine-year-old girl into the house, probably using candy or a bike or what-have-you. Then he figured he’d just rape her, since she’s all like nine and weak and stuff. But she struggled, and he sort of like put his knife in her and started stabbing her over and over again, and then she like, died. Huh, weird. Anyway, all that stabbing really got his “motor running”. From that day on, Chikatilo only got true sexual arousal and had his best orgasms when killing women and/or children.

Well, the police were pretty upset about this, as you can imagine. They had some evidence that pointed to Chikatilo, but they were pretty sure that this Alexsander Kravchenko guy (if that is his real name) killed that little girl instead. So they executed him. Hooray for justice!

Chikatilo didn’t kill again until 1982. But when he restarted killing, it was as if you or I were eating Pringles™ brand potato chips: once you pop, you just can’t stop! And no, I’m not getting paid to write that. Between ’82 and ’85 (inclusive), Chikatilo killed about or around 29 people. The police were baffled. Just how in the fuck did Alexsander Kravchenko keep committing these fucking murders? They exhumed him and had him hanged in front of a firing squad. Then they cremated him. “That’ll put an end to all these demented murders,” the Soviet police thought.

The public was overjoyed that the killer had been refound and rekilled, courtesy of the USSR. The Government even responded with a series of “kidnap parades” where Soviet troops took civilians from the streets and detained them in secret facilities to be tortured, killed, and ultimately thrown into the water supply. The best days where when lots of young women betrothed to rich men were put in, because the tap water tasted like hope. Delicious.

Anyway, back to A.C. So he keeps on killing and a couple of other guys get blamed for his murders and end up getting executed. Yay, more kidnap parades! Chikatilo was almost caught by police one day when he was walking around with a handbag that had a couple of amputated tits in it. The police talked to him and noted that he looked suspicious, but never asked to see the contents of the bag. Of course, even if they did, Chikatilo had a perfectly reasonable explanation: they were loaned out to him by a nice lady friend of his whom he murdered. **Wipes hands** And those pigs would be none-the-wiser.

The police did eventually catch him, though, and he ended up confessing to and describing 56 murders. Police were shocked and told him that they thought he only murdered 36 people. Chikatilo famously responded, “Uh, yeah, I made up about twenty of those, so uh, just forget that I even described them with exceptional detail.”

Chikatilo stood trial for 53 of those murders. While on trial, he was kept in a cage in the middle of the courtroom. Some claim it was for his own protection from the victims’ irate families, but I think the court did it as a joke. Gotta love that Russian humor; a little bleak sometimes, though. Anywho, he was convicted of 52 of those murders. The jurors stood-fast on the 53rd charge, claiming, “We’re pretty sure that Alexsander Kravchenko killed that one other person,” despite that particular murder coming years after his re-execution.

Chikatilo was sentenced to death once for each of his 52 convictions. On February 14th, 1994, Russian justice made good on its promise (as a Valentine to the Russian public; how sweet!) as Andrei Chitakilo was executed by a single shot to the back of the head. He was then shot in the back of the head 51 more times. Then he was stabbed through the heart, dipped into a vat of acid, cremated, and his ashes shot off into a rocket that plummeted into the face of the sun, “just to be sure.”

The End.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A Year Ago Today…

Filed under: Hate,Holidays — Jill Hater @ 9:49 pm
Tags: , , ,

I left Korea. Finally! This is a mini-pseudo-holiday for me. It was about damn time. Actually, I could have left Korea sooner, but I chose not to. Why? It’s somewhat difficult to explain…

I was set to leave Korea the same day as someone else I loosely “worked” with. Let’s call him… Meyerz. Yes, that’ll do. Well, Meyerz is a complete fucktard. I mean this guy is incompetent and is always on a miniature power trip. And he’s child like. He’d probably make a dandy Pharaoh. But working in the motorpool or being near me? Not so much.

I could barely stand to be in this man’s presence. What a fucker. But, as I said, I was set to leave the same day as him; February 20th. What to do?

I conducted some shady business and was able to turn the paperwork in my favor and stay in K-town for an additional six days. Hey, I’d waited damn near a year up to that point – What’s an extra week? Bonus: This enabled me to exit country on the same day as my friend, Phil. Cool beans. We even worked it out to be seated next to each other on the plane rides from Seoul to Detroit. Now that’s dandy.

So today I reflect back and say, “Damn, has it really been a year?” It doesn’t seem like it. When I spent my year in Korea it dragged on forever. It probably seemed more like two years. This year, in comparison, flew by. Maybe it’s from my current situation in Kuwait, which forbids me from doing anything remotely fun, entertaining, or amusing. Does time fly faster when you have nothing to do?

In any event, I’m one year closer to leaving the Army. Another three months and I’ll be writing another post about my three year anniversary of entering the service (probably focusing more on my one year left in the service).

Monday, February 25, 2008

Belated Sunday Spotlight: Frankford Yellow Jackets

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

The Frankford Yellow Jackets were a professional football team that played in a Philadelphia neighborhood in the NFL from 1924-1931, though their origins stretched back to 1899.

In the Yellow Jackets’ first year, the team, coached by no-good Punk Berryman, finished in third place after an 11-2-1 campaign. Their next year, 1925, was unspectacular, but it did feature some remarkable items. It was legendary Guy “Champ” Chamberlin’s first year with the team. Also, the team played a part in the 1925 NFL Championship controversy. The Chicago Cardinals and the Pottsville Maroons were having a tiff as to which team was better. As it stood, the Maroons had a better record after defeating the Notre Dame All-Stars 9-7. But the Yellow Jackets argued that the Maroons had violated a territorial agreement wherein the Maroons would stay the fuck out of eastern Pennsylvania. The league agreed and ordered the immediate execution of the 1925 Pottsville Maroons, and then awarded the league championship to the Cardinals.

The next year, 1926, would be Frankford’s greatest. They finished 14-1-2-0-1, and earned the league championship. The season featured a thrilling 7-6 win over the Chicago Bears. The victory was surprising as Frankford had never beaten the Bears in the past and was forced to take the field without stars Daddy “Papa” Potts and Swede “Mama” Youngstrum. Chicago scored first, but Guy Chamberlin, always the opportunist, boarded up the goal posts the day before, and the Bears extra point attempted failed, giving them only a 6-0 advantage. Late in the fourth quarter, the Yellow Jackets rallied after a 50 yard reverse. Quarterback “Two-bits” Homan caught a touchdown pass on (what must have been) a trick play on 4th & 3. Cool. Chamberlin, who had wittingly ordered that the plywood be taken down off the goal posts at half time, sent his team on for the extra point, giving them the margin of victory.

Still, the ’26 championship could not be sewed up, as the Yellow Jackets would have to face the Pottsville Maroons. A loss to the Maroons would hand the championship to the Bears. A win or a tie would ensure the the title would come to Philadelphia. With the Maroons having been ‘retired’ the previous year, many predicted an easy victory for Frankford. It was not so. As no players took the field for Pottsville, the clock ran out in both halves without Frankford getting possession even once. However, the Maroons failed to gain a single yard against the stiff Yellow Jacket defense, and the game ended in a scoreless tie, wrapping up the championship for Frankford, and giving Pottsville a record of 0-0-14 in what was deemed one of the “most balanced, completive seasons ever played by a single team” by Sports Illustrated.

The rest of their history is pretty boring. They ended up folding due to the pressure of the Great Depression. I’ll leave you with a picture of the NFL Champs.

Below: The 1926 Frankford Yellow Jackets Footballin’ Club
Frankford Yellow Jackets de 1926
Winners of Pseuperbowl MCMXXVI

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Involuntary Absence

Last week, I failed to commit to ‘blogging’ regularly.  It wasn’t because I didn’t have ideas of what to write on, mind you.  Oh, I have some ideas.  Plenty of ideas.  Don’t believe me?  That’s too bad, because I, uh, I have lots of ideas of what to write about.  Dragons and such.  Try and do better, motherfucker.

Mostly, though, I have been so strung up by work that I truly haven’t had the free time entirely necessary to work on web logs.  Sure, I could have made some half-assed posts here and there, but I’m committed to excellence, damnit.

Sure, I wanted to make post-St. Valentine’s Day posts, or remark about Kosovo, or even talk about dragons, but if I do that, I’m going to at least spend 30 minutes on it.  Would you rather have me write up some shitty post in just five or ten minutes?  You got it pal: today.  But this is it.

It’s not like I didn’t have 30 minutes or even and hour or two of free time during the past week – I had that.  It’s just that, you know, I used that time to watch Mr. Show, and I just got back into Prison Break.  Recently I started watching the third season after neglecting it for so long.  I’m glad I did that.

Sure, I could’ve posted something instead of watching Prison Break, but what the fuck do I get out of it?  Damaged retinas, carpal tunnel syndrome, and vesicointestinal fistula; that’s what I fucking get.  What would you choose?  The answer is obvious.

Of course, I will try to print more fake news stories and other musings when possible.  This coming week will likely be busier than the last, but my ambitions are high.  Well, I gotta piss, so, whatever.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: 1929 Rose Bowl

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

The 1929 Rose Bowl game featured the Pacific Conference runner-up University of California and the undefeated national champion, Georgia Tech. It was the 15th installment of the Rose Bowl.

California
California tied conference champion USC 0-0 earlier in the season, but USC was awarded the title after posting a conference record of 4-0-1 as compared to Cal’s record of 3-0-2 in conference play (Cal also tied Stanford, 13-13). USC was the first team invited to the Rose Bowl, but they turned it down, possibly fearful of facing the mighty Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech.

Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech went undefeated, coming into the game with a 9-0-0 record. Their season posted resounding double-digit victories over Notre Dame and in-state rival Georgia.

The first score of the game came midway through the second quarter, after Cal center Roy Riegels picked up a fumble 30 yards out from the goal line. Riegels ran towards the wrong end zone, however, and was only stopped when his quarterback, Benny Lom, caught up to him and tackled him at the one yard line. Cal decided to punt instead trying a play so close to their end zone, but the punt was blocked, and Georgia Tech scored a safety, leading 2-0 at the half.

Riegels was a huge crybaby in the locker room at halftime, and said he wouldn’t play the second half. Ultimately, however, he did play the second half, not because he never gave up, but because crybabies never get their way.

The Yellowjackets scored 6 more points in the third quarter, giving them an 8-0 lead heading into the fourth. Cal tried to make a comeback, scoring a touchdown, but controversially did not go for the 2-point conversation, and trailed 8-7. The game eventually ended with that score.

Riegels reportedly told his coached that he “ruined the University of California,” which was certainly true, as the school went bankrupt and became defunct merely months after the incident. Riegels was later killed by a bear while camping in Yosemite National Park. When questioned as to why he did it, the bear, golden in color, simply told reporters “[Riegels] disgraced me and my kind, and he needed to die for that.”

Roy Riegels was later inducted into the Georgia Tech Hall of Fame, where he has a bust with the inscription, “Thanks, Roy… Loser“. In 2003, Riegels’ mistake was named one of six “Most Memorable Moments of the Century” and also took the top spot in ESPN’s “Dumbest Things Done in 1929” special showcase series.

Below: Roy Riegels
Roy Riegels
Roy Riegels single-handedly destroyed the University of California by losing
the 1929 Rose Bowl Game, which is solely his fault and no one else’s.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Captured Iraqi Pleads for Equal Treatment

[Note: This post authored by Phil, and I present the work on his behalf.]

BAGHDAD, Iraq – Firas Anwar Al-Kashif, 28, was brought on record this week upon demanding that he be treated “just as poorly” as darker-skinned Iraqis in custody at an unamed detention facility controlled by the U.S. military.  “When I had heard about the Equal Opportunity policy offered by Americans, I asked myself: ‘why must I be subjected to jumper-cable nipple-clamps while wearing underwear, when my naked bretheren shit their pants when confronted with enraged police dogs?'” reflected Al-Kashif on Wednesday.  “I also hate the fact that I have to wear the tan burlap hood with eye-holes, while others are forced to wear black or dark brown hoods, usually filled with scorpions.”
 
Brigadier General Mark Cornwall, Chief of Detainee Operations, was not available for comment, however Pvt. First Class Abraham Jensen was more than happy to answer questions promptly.  “I seriously thought [Al-Kashif] was this Mexican kink that worked in finance.  No idea [sic] that he was a real detainee,” Jensen admitted.  Staff Sergeant Yolanda Ruth also offered, “He responded so well to the ‘used anal-bead face-whipping’ that we felt positive reinforcement was the only course of action.”
 
In a country where racisim is on the decline (Iraq, not America) it becomes important for the United States to put its “least fucked-up foot forward”.  Thankfully, today’s Equal Employment Opportunity is not without representation within our military ranks.  The issue raised is to whom or where does it apply?  Al-Kashif is the first detainee to ask this question from the recieving end, so-to-speak.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA

[Amokamokamokamokamok.] First I want to say that this is not fake news at all. In Allentown, Pennsylvania, 19 year-old Kristian Allen Carl is being charged with statutory sexual assault after admitting he had sexual intercourse with a 15 year-old girl. Apparently he’d met the girl the previous night, possibly at a party of some sort.

Now the good part: Carl is convinced that he is a werewolf-vampire hybrid, i.e. he’s half-werewolf and half-vampire. Like Underworld with the characters all combined, only in Pennsylvania and way lamer. Better yet, he told the girl in question that he was this supernatural being, and she believed him. Now is she an incredibly gullible idiot or suffering from cerebral palsy; I don’t know people, I just don’t know. But I know this: that’s awesome.

You go out and try to convince anyone that you’re a werewolf-vampire hybrid. Just get one person to fucking believe it. And then after you fail at that, try to get someone to sleep with you after you’ve told them your status. I’ll admit though that chances are if you get someone to believe you’re supernatural, you can probably very easily get them to sleep with you. It’s sort of a two-for-one.

I’m not trying to defend this guy. He’s obviously been ruined in the brain region. And I’ll grant you that he only convinced a 15 year-old girl that he was supernatural, which is probably easier than convincing an adult of the same claim. Whatever, it’s still remarkable, which is why it’s news. Awww yeah!

Bonus points for Carl because he told the police he could prove that he’s a hybrid abomination. How you ask? He showed them his canine teeth, which brought forth irrefutable evidence that he was indeed a demon of the night. Then the officers told him that all mammals have canine teeth, including humans, and they are nothing special. That probably ruined his day.

Extra-bonus points: Carl told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers. Nice. Now I’m jealous.

I laughed out loud for the majority of this article the first time I read it. Now that I’ve ruined it for you, read it yourself here.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Nazis Nearly Perfected Zombies

Exciting news! A disturbing discovery by renowned authors of the WWII subject matter lead them on a chase through history culminating in what is expected to be a groundbreaking book. Mark Walker teamed up with German author Michael Schaaf to write Hitler, Zombich, und die Häagan-Dazs, a book describing the efforts of Nazi scientist to perfect zombies, which were to be launched en masse against allied forces in Europe.

I will give you a thorough overview of the book. It may be lengthy, but it is obviously much shorter, and hopefully inspires you to get the full story from the authors. They spoke of how initially the zombification project was headed by two teams, one military and one civilian. The ghoul research effort most widely discussed was that of the Kaiser Wilhelm Institute, led by the physicist Werner Heisenberg. The second was a Heereswaffenamt military team under the scientific leadership of Professor Kurt Diebner. Diebner also had some interaction with Heisenberg on zombie virus design during the war, but the projects which they led were quite separate.

All German zombie research was originally funded through the Reichspost (German Post Office), under the Reich Research Council; however, in 1942, armaments minister Albert Speer reorganized zombie research and switched all funding to only support development of human zombies.

Dr. Groth and Dr. Paul Harteck were dismayed at the loss of funding for military use of zombies for weapons. Harteck in particular had worked with Dr. Fritz Houtermans on the problem of active braincell reanimation (from a corpse). These men were keenly aware of the Austrian scientist Prof. Josef Schintlmeister, who proposed in 1940 for the construction of a zombie free range ranch and aquarium.

Groth and Harteck led a team of biologists and chemists in 1942 to persuade Hermann Goering and Martin Bormann to fund an alternate zombie project to Heisenberg’s.

Dr. Paul Harteck, chief zombiologist of the German army, had helped to develop the zombie virus invented by Dr. Erich Bagge, in 1942 at Kiel. The virus was also known as a synapse sluice. It has since come to be known as the “Harteck Virus”.

Harteck initially led a team at Hamburg attempting to create a zombie operated U-boat. After the bombing of Hamburg in July 1943, the Kriegsmarine shifted its undead project to Stettin under admirals Karl Witzell and Otto Rhein. Zombie expert Dr. Otto Haxel took over scientific leadership of the Oberkommando der Marine ghoul project. In April 1944 Harteck was responsible for gaining Nazi funding for industrial scale zombification of Jews. Orders were placed with BMAG Meguin for production of Jew and gypsy corpses.

Undead ore was sourced from western Czechoslovakia at Jachymov, then known as Joachimsthal. It was refined by Auergesellschaft at Oranienburg north of Berlin.

According to Walker and Schaaf, controversy could abound the Nazi development of zombies. This controversy places huge reliance upon Heisenberg’s inability to identify the average cross section of braincell release during reanimation. At the presentation given by Harteck to Nazi leaders in 1942, however, it was correctly identified that one only needed a zombie brain “the size of a pineapple.”

The authors also added that the intentions of Heisenberg’s team will be a matter of historical controversy, centering on whether or not the scientists involved were genuinely attempting to build an undead army for Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, or were trying to hinder development of zombies. Heisenberg’s project was not a military success by any measure.

In efforts with Dr. Robert Döpel at Leipzig in May 1942, a chimpanzee reanimation had been sustained by using two live brains of dead, infected chimpanzees separated by heavy water. However, Heisenberg failed to provide any means for controlling the reanimation. It quickly resulted in a runaway outbreak which ended with a devoured team of esteemed scientists.

A heavy water zombie test reactor was built in a cave in Haigerloch. This reactor never reached critical condition, because the amount of braincell reanimation was never sufficient. Its approach was different from the earlier experiment and used cubes of brains suspended by chains.

Simply fascinating. We already knew the evil Nazis were working on an atomic bomb, but zombies too? Damn, they’re like, ultra-mega fucking evil, as if the holocaust wasn’t enough. Good going, Germany.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: Bobby Layne

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

Bobby Layne is best known for being the best quarterback to ever play for the Detroit Lions. While under center for the Lions, Layne led them to three league championships and was voted All-Pro twice. The Lions thought he was so good that they traded him to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

When Layne found out he was traded, he put a curse on the Lions and said they would not win for 50 years. The Lions have since won hundreds of games, proving Layne to be overwhelmingly incorrect. However, the Lions have now gone 51 years without winning a championship and have only won one playoff game since Layne’s departure. Many Detroit fans call this curse “The Bobby Layne Bitchslap.”

Layne, who has been inducted into the Hall of Fame, was called “the toughest quarterback who ever lived,” by Sports Illustrated. Legendary running back Doak Walker said that “Layne never lost a game – time just ran out on him.” The numbers clearly prove just how good Bobby Layne was, as he retired as the NFL’s career leader in passes attempted and completed, as well as passing touchdowns, with 196. Layne also had 243 interceptions and a 63.4 career QB rating, and only threw more touchdown passes than interceptions in just 3 of his 16 seasons. Best quarterback ever? Maybe – Like I said, certainly the best Lions quarterback ever.

At the end of his career, Layne said his biggest regret was not winning a championship for Pittsburgh. When asked why he didn’t regret throwing nearly 250 interceptions more, he told reporters “I’ve gotta go – This bottle ain’t gonna drink itself.”

Layne was indeed known for his heavy drinking. Layne had many late-night bar hopping adventures, and eventually died from liver damage at age 59.

Bobby Layne is also remembered for being a quarterback that wore the number 22, which is now considered a highly unorthodox and very untraditional number for a quarterback. When asked why he insisted on wearing 22, Layne usually told reporters to “kiss [his] ass” and then threw empty beer bottles at them. Layne’s catch phrase was “Layne’s in this house now, bitch,” which he typically said when entering the locker room or his home.

Celebrated quarterback/womanizer/senseless drunk, Bobby Layne
Bobby Layne
Layne frequently played football without a helmet “for good luck” as he was known to say.

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