Potvin Newsly

Monday, February 11, 2008

Nazis Nearly Perfected Zombies

Exciting news! A disturbing discovery by renowned authors of the WWII subject matter lead them on a chase through history culminating in what is expected to be a groundbreaking book. Mark Walker teamed up with German author Michael Schaaf to write Hitler, Zombich, und die Häagan-Dazs, a book describing the efforts of Nazi scientist to perfect zombies, which were to be launched en masse against allied forces in Europe.

I will give you a thorough overview of the book. It may be lengthy, but it is obviously much shorter, and hopefully inspires you to get the full story from the authors. They spoke of how initially the zombification project was headed by two teams, one military and one civilian. The ghoul research effort most widely discussed was that of the Kaiser Wilhelm Institute, led by the physicist Werner Heisenberg. The second was a Heereswaffenamt military team under the scientific leadership of Professor Kurt Diebner. Diebner also had some interaction with Heisenberg on zombie virus design during the war, but the projects which they led were quite separate.

All German zombie research was originally funded through the Reichspost (German Post Office), under the Reich Research Council; however, in 1942, armaments minister Albert Speer reorganized zombie research and switched all funding to only support development of human zombies.

Dr. Groth and Dr. Paul Harteck were dismayed at the loss of funding for military use of zombies for weapons. Harteck in particular had worked with Dr. Fritz Houtermans on the problem of active braincell reanimation (from a corpse). These men were keenly aware of the Austrian scientist Prof. Josef Schintlmeister, who proposed in 1940 for the construction of a zombie free range ranch and aquarium.

Groth and Harteck led a team of biologists and chemists in 1942 to persuade Hermann Goering and Martin Bormann to fund an alternate zombie project to Heisenberg’s.

Dr. Paul Harteck, chief zombiologist of the German army, had helped to develop the zombie virus invented by Dr. Erich Bagge, in 1942 at Kiel. The virus was also known as a synapse sluice. It has since come to be known as the “Harteck Virus”.

Harteck initially led a team at Hamburg attempting to create a zombie operated U-boat. After the bombing of Hamburg in July 1943, the Kriegsmarine shifted its undead project to Stettin under admirals Karl Witzell and Otto Rhein. Zombie expert Dr. Otto Haxel took over scientific leadership of the Oberkommando der Marine ghoul project. In April 1944 Harteck was responsible for gaining Nazi funding for industrial scale zombification of Jews. Orders were placed with BMAG Meguin for production of Jew and gypsy corpses.

Undead ore was sourced from western Czechoslovakia at Jachymov, then known as Joachimsthal. It was refined by Auergesellschaft at Oranienburg north of Berlin.

According to Walker and Schaaf, controversy could abound the Nazi development of zombies. This controversy places huge reliance upon Heisenberg’s inability to identify the average cross section of braincell release during reanimation. At the presentation given by Harteck to Nazi leaders in 1942, however, it was correctly identified that one only needed a zombie brain “the size of a pineapple.”

The authors also added that the intentions of Heisenberg’s team will be a matter of historical controversy, centering on whether or not the scientists involved were genuinely attempting to build an undead army for Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, or were trying to hinder development of zombies. Heisenberg’s project was not a military success by any measure.

In efforts with Dr. Robert Döpel at Leipzig in May 1942, a chimpanzee reanimation had been sustained by using two live brains of dead, infected chimpanzees separated by heavy water. However, Heisenberg failed to provide any means for controlling the reanimation. It quickly resulted in a runaway outbreak which ended with a devoured team of esteemed scientists.

A heavy water zombie test reactor was built in a cave in Haigerloch. This reactor never reached critical condition, because the amount of braincell reanimation was never sufficient. Its approach was different from the earlier experiment and used cubes of brains suspended by chains.

Simply fascinating. We already knew the evil Nazis were working on an atomic bomb, but zombies too? Damn, they’re like, ultra-mega fucking evil, as if the holocaust wasn’t enough. Good going, Germany.