[Amokamokamokamokamok.] First I want to say that this is not fake news at all. In Allentown, Pennsylvania, 19 year-old Kristian Allen Carl is being charged with statutory sexual assault after admitting he had sexual intercourse with a 15 year-old girl. Apparently he’d met the girl the previous night, possibly at a party of some sort.
Now the good part: Carl is convinced that he is a werewolf-vampire hybrid, i.e. he’s half-werewolf and half-vampire. Like Underworld with the characters all combined, only in Pennsylvania and way lamer. Better yet, he told the girl in question that he was this supernatural being, and she believed him. Now is she an incredibly gullible idiot or suffering from cerebral palsy; I don’t know people, I just don’t know. But I know this: that’s awesome.
You go out and try to convince anyone that you’re a werewolf-vampire hybrid. Just get one person to fucking believe it. And then after you fail at that, try to get someone to sleep with you after you’ve told them your status. I’ll admit though that chances are if you get someone to believe you’re supernatural, you can probably very easily get them to sleep with you. It’s sort of a two-for-one.
I’m not trying to defend this guy. He’s obviously been ruined in the brain region. And I’ll grant you that he only convinced a 15 year-old girl that he was supernatural, which is probably easier than convincing an adult of the same claim. Whatever, it’s still remarkable, which is why it’s news. Awww yeah!
Bonus points for Carl because he told the police he could prove that he’s a hybrid abomination. How you ask? He showed them his canine teeth, which brought forth irrefutable evidence that he was indeed a demon of the night. Then the officers told him that all mammals have canine teeth, including humans, and they are nothing special. That probably ruined his day.
Extra-bonus points: Carl told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers. Nice. Now I’m jealous.
I laughed out loud for the majority of this article the first time I read it. Now that I’ve ruined it for you, read it yourself here.