Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Bear Survival Kit

Belgian Malinois

I don’t know about you, but I find that bear (or, some might argue, that Belgian Malinois) to be pretty bad-ass. But that’s because it’s not directly in front of me. It would still be bad-ass, sure, but it’d also be terribly frightful. And if that doesn’t scare you, well this should:

Fire Bear
Half Bear, Half Dragon, All Metal

Looking at that almost makes me crap my pants. In the bad way, too.

Whatever can we do to protect ourselves from bears, be they real or partially mythical and/or created by a friend on paint in Norfolk? One word: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit. Or, as I have dubbed it, the Bear Survival Kit. Looky here:

Below: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit
Bear Survival Kit
Better than John Candy’s emergency double-barrel lamp.

Boi yeah! Eat lead, bear! The kit comes with many useful tools, such as a stylish waterproof case, compass, and a whistle, so you can blow it to try to scare off the bear in case you don’t have time to get to the gun. But that’s not all, it also includes some emergency space blankets, for those times when you find yourself trapped in orbit outside the earth’s atmosphere and are struggling to keep warm. But that’s still not all! The Blast Match™ Firestarter will allow you to start a fire under almost any conditions. Pay the extra money and upgrade to the Drew Barrymore Firestarter, which will allow you to start a fire under any and all conditions through Miss Barrymore’s unique pyrokinesis. Excellent!

Still not enough to get you to float the $1,500 necessary to own this assuredly life-saving kit? Well, the kit also includes a signal mirror, some sort of saw, and Smith & Wesson Extreme Ops Liner Lock Folding Knife with Black Sheath. That knife sounds cool, huh? You bet it does. Buy it today! And, if you’re worried that there won’t be any bears around to defend yourself against, you can easily pass the time by reading Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival by Larry Mueller. (You can click on that link, but that book won’t do you any good without the survival kit, idiot.)

Sure, all of those goodies are nice, and necessary for survival, but the true centerpiece is the snub-nose.

Below: The Widowmaker… for Bears
Bear Survival Gun
Still want my picnic basket, motherfucker?

If, for nothing else, you have to get the kit for this. As long as you bring this baby along, you’ll ensure safety for yourself and your loved ones. This stainless steal .500 caliber beaut weighs a little under three-and-a-half pounds unloaded. With an overall length of nine inches and a five round capacity, you’re guaranteed to either kill that attacking bear or really piss him off. And I mean super pissed off.

Rest assured, people, anyone who does not own this kit is sure to be killed by a savage, vicious bear. And it will be rather unpleasant. I’ve written several letters to the president to try to get these issued to every American at birth (right along with one’s birth certificate) but I have yet to get a response.

Added bonus: This could be a hearty addition to your zombie survival kit. I recommend buying it now.

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4 Comments »

  1. Best in a Long while. I’ma climb out of my little puddle of urine now and wash up.

    Comment by ohthathurt — Wednesday, March 12, 2008 @ 11:33 pm | Reply

  2. BEARAGON RETURNS!!

    AND IN FORCE!!

    Comment by Phil Fox — Thursday, March 13, 2008 @ 6:23 pm | Reply

  3. Consumer reviews say the Drew Beary-more Firestarter is just as good as the one you’re sellin and it comes from China.

    Comment by DIRTYMICK — Friday, March 21, 2008 @ 8:02 am | Reply

  4. I completely agree with you, AIDS is a very serious disease that has been pushed to the back burner in our society. I like how you contrasted Mans constant search for answers with his overpowering need for conformity, his yearning to have to think less and just fit in. Oh and I totally agree with you, green IS a horny color.

    Word.

    Comment by Andy Ando Anderson — Thursday, November 20, 2008 @ 12:04 am | Reply


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