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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: The Devil and Randy Moss

[Author’s note: With apologies to Washington Irving.]

Randy Moss is maybe the most talented receiver to ever catch a football. I say “maybe” because there’s good reason to believe that Jerry Rice is the most talented. Regardless of who has more talent, Rice will always be remembered as the greatest receiver in the history of football, because he successfully combined his talent with practice and a tireless work ethic to fully realize his potential.

Could Randy Moss have been just as great, or greater than Jerry Rice, if only Moss had worked harder during his career to develop his superfluous talent? I dunno, but this edition of the Sunday Spotlight isn’t really about where Randy Moss sits on the list of greatest receivers ever. This is about the curse.

See, ‘long time ago in Kanawha County, West Virginia, a young boy was playin’ some foosball with his friends. Problem was, he just wadn’t no good at them there games. This boy’d try and try ta get better, but he jus’ wouldn’t get none better. An’ then he tried his hand at the basketball instead, and jus’ the same, the boy wadn’t no better at that than the foosball. Baseball, track, hockey… Well, espessally hockey – the boy jus’ dun like hockey none, but he’d figure he’d try the skates on for size, jus’ in case he was any good at handlin’ that there stick.

But it can get powerful hot in Kanawha County, if one knows what he’s lookin’ fer. That boy heard his friends a talkin’ that the devil lives out in them thar woods, in the hills ‘tween Rand an’ Coal Fork. Yep, an’ they says to ‘im “The Devil’ll give ya wutchya want, but you best believe, the Devil gun’ get his due.” Well, that dun’ bother the boy none, see, cause he jus’ needs to be good at the sports.

See, rumor has it that before the sports world gained mass popularity an’ fell ta shameless commercialization, if you was born in Kanawha County, you wadn’t never gonna leave Kanawha County. Best believe that many a man done broke his back makin’ a penny by shovelin’ coal out them hills, and never seein’ the light of the world ’cause of it. But times is a changin’, and they say if you wanna make it out of Kanawha alive you gotta play the sports and play ’em hard.

So the boy decides he’s gonna play on fate’s fiddle an’ goes out in them woods, wanderin’ around like a lost dog. They say he walked the roughest trails an’ climbed the tallest trees, searchin’ them hills up an’ down, inside an’ out, lookin’ all over for Ol’ Nick. Finally, jus’ as the boy’s ’bout ta give up, he sees a tall, pale lookin’ feller comin’ towards ‘im.

The stranger walks up on ‘im an’ says “You lost boy, or wantin’ a-make a deal?” So the boy says, “I ain’t lost none, mister, but I was thinkin’ I might should oughta make me a deal.” So the stranger says, “You know who I am?” an’ the boy says “You’re Ol’ Scratch. I heard you live out in these here hills.” So the Devil tells ‘im yes, an’ asks ‘im what he wants ta trade fer. The boy tells the Devil he wants ta be good at sports, an’ the Devil jus’ says “Okay, that’ll be one soul, please.” An’ he whips ‘im out a contract from behind his back an’ tells him ta sign it. But the boy’s a bit more clever than that, see, and he says, “No, mister, I wanna be good at all the sports, see. Well, excepts hockey – I jus’ dun’ like hockey none.” An’ the boy says that he dun’ jus’ wanna be good, neither – In fac’, he wanna be the most talented that there is at them sports. So the Devil tells ‘im he’s gun’ hafta talk to his supervisor to make sure it’s okay. He gets back to the boy ’bout ten minutes later and says it’s a deal. So the boy gone on an’ signed that dotted line.

After that, things was different fer the boy. All of a sudden, he was better at them sports than his own friends an’ kin. Not jus’ the foosball, neither – that boy was better at all them sports. He gone on ta high school an’ done lead his foosball team ta the state champyinchip. With the basketball, he got ‘imself named Athlete of the Year – twice. One year he decided he gun run circles ’round the track, an’ he done win the state champyinchip in that, too. He even won some champyinchips playin’ the college foosball. That poor boy didn’t know it was all jus’ set up by Ol’ Scratch ‘imself.

See, the Devil had gone on an’ made it all sorts of easy for the boy ta play them sports and whatnot. An’ early on, the boy had nothin’ but su’cess playin’ all them ball games. He was winning games left an’ right, an’ it jus’ seem like whatever team he’d gone on ta-go-da, they was gun’ win them some champyinchips. An’ the boy’d gone on ta make it all the way up ta the professional foosball league, an’ then he’s playin’ ball with all the big boys. An’ his first year in, e’erybody jus’ say how good he is. They was talkin’ like there was never nobody that good before an’ whatnot. They was sayin’ he’d be the best there ever was, if he wadn’t already. His first year his team gone on ta win them 15 games and only lose ’em 1. His team done set all sorts of records, an’ they done scored them more points than anyone ‘fore ’em, an’ people says they’s maybe one of the best teams in histora. But then they was playin’ the NFC Champyinchip game, an’ they done lost in some overtime. That boy never felt so terrible in his whole life, I tell ya. Then he goes on an’ he play jus’ ’bout a whole dang ol’ decade an’ never got that close to a champyinchip again.

The boy jus’ knew somethin’ was wrong, espessally when he got traded ta the Oakland Raiders. So he went out in them hills ‘tween Rand and Coal Fork in Kanawha County, lookin’ fer the beast. He walks ’round them woods for hours, ’till finally Ol’ Nick walks up on ‘im. “You lookin’ fer me again, boy?” “Yeah,” the boy says. “I ain’t out winnin’ no mo’ champyinchips, mister.” “Well, you ain’t never says nothin’ ’bout winnin’ you some champyinchips, didja boy?” The boy tells ‘im no, but that he wants ta start playin’ on some good teams ‘gain. So the Devil tells ‘im, “Boy, I’ma make you a deal: I tell you, you’s gun’ play fer the best team that ever was. Yer team’s gonna score more points than any team ‘fore it, and it’s gun’ win as many games as any team ever has ‘fore it, but it’s gun’ cost ya.” By now, the boy was dadgum crazy, an’ he says he’ll give the Devil anythin’. So the Devil ends out gettin’ the rights ta the souls ta all his kids, an’ ‘fore you know it, that boy winds up playin’ fer the Patriots in Foxburra.

Well, the Devil done outfoxed ‘im again! Sure enough, that boy played on what people e’erywhere was sayin’ was the best team in histora. They set all sorts of records, an’ they scored more points than anyone ‘fore ’em, an’ they gone on ta beat e’eryone they play. People was sayin’ they were a-playin’ like a team possessed – I guess they dun’ know how right they were. Well, that boy makes his way ta the champyinchip game, and wouldn’t ya know it, they lose ta some team from New York City. Jus’ seems no matter how good the boy plays, or no matter how good a team he’s on, he jus’ ain’t gun win the big one.

They say the Devil’ll give ya wutchya want, but best believe that the Devil gun’ get his due. But if you ask Randy Moss, he’ll tell ya different. He’ll tell ya that the Devil gun’ get his due an’ then some.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Damn Trees

Time Magazine recently put this as their cover:


No, no! Up, stupid! We’re putting it- Stop pulling down!

That’s right, somehow a fucking tree inserted itself into the symbolic picture of the second flag raising at Iwo Jima. Marine veterans are not happy.

Donald “Donnie-Don-Donz” Mates called the cover “an absolute disgrace.” He added to this by saying “Whoever did it is going to hell. That’s a mortal sin.” Yes, I believe Vatican Law does say something about that picture… Donzie-Dingo-Don also said it was sacrilegious to stick a tree in place of the flag. I can see why: the American flag doesn’t look anything like a tree. Now, if it was the Lebanese flag, well…

Below: The Flag of Lebanon
Lebanese Flag
Putting a tree in the place of this just makes it seem more realistic.

Sadly, Lebanese troops did not seize the island from the Imperial Japanese Army. Had they done so, we could be avoiding all of this controversy right now.

Dondie-Donda-Dodon was not the only ex-Marine who was a bit peeved about the cover. John Keith Wells, who lead the platoon that put up the flag, said global warming was the biggest joke he’s ever heard. I can’t believe he said that. I’ve heard the global warming joke a thousand times; the punchline sucked the first time I heard it, and it has sucked more with each subsequent retelling. But I digress. Wells added that he would “stick a dadgum tree up somebody’s rear if they want that and think it’s going to cure something.” That sounds like rape/forcible sodomy. Check!

Another ex-Marine and Iwo Jima veteran said “I am cancelling my subscription to Time Magazine ungrateful bastards [sic].” Another said “This crap you have on your magazine; you can put it where the sun does not shine.” That is very polite, I must point out.

Finally, one vet came out and said what all these elderly warriors (and indeed, what all the elderly folk in general) are thinking, by calling out those no-good punksters of the younger generation who don’t care about anything other than running amok of this and that. “As a veteran who was at Iwo Jima before, during and after the invasion, I think anything about the World War should be off-limits to any form of non military promotion or advertisement, especially by any of the present generation of spoiled people few of who appreciate the services and sacrifices of the relatively few of that generation.”

Yeah, man, totally. I also believe that free speech is okay as long as it doesn’t mess with something that I care about. Once it does, then other people should lose the right to freely express ideas about the things I care about, until I die that is. Unless it’s used for military propaganda, that’s cool. Oh yeah, and I also don’t care about the sacrifices made by past generations. For instance, I could give a fuck less about Alexander the Great beating back the armies of Persia and conquering most of the known world, which then let Greek ideas expand and grow without impending outside threats, and therefore influence future nations like Rome, Byzantium, and many of today’s western democracies. But then again I don’t suppose a lot of people appreciate Alexander’s efforts. Fuck Alexander the Great. Let’s get some paintings of him and put lots of trees in them. [Alexander the Great fucked guys.]

That was half-sarcasm, half-sincerity. You figure it out.

I can’t wait to be an old veteran so I can just say whatever I want. If anybody calls me out on it, I can just say they’re unpatriotic, disrespectful, and full of shit because by then I’ll obviously be very wise, in contrast to the younger generation that will by then be running the world.

Soooo…. Well, it’s obvious that people are unhappy. Will Time Magazine issue an apology? Answer: No. Hmm, that does seem a bit harsh. See, you just can’t tell somebody, “Don’t worry – You do not find this to be offensive.” So, Time Magazine editor Richard Stengel, if you didn’t mean to offend these veterans, you should probably say something like “Our intent was [blah blah blah] and we deeply regret if anyone was offended by this.” I don’t imagine it will necessarily make it okay by them, but at least you’re EXPRESSING REGRET. Instead, Stengel said, “There needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War II to combat global warming and climate change.”

Of course, when Stengel says “World War II”, I have to think that he means the global military conflicted that involved the mobilization of over 100 million military personnel, resulted in over 60 million people killed (most costly war in history in terms of lives lost), cost over one trillion 1944 US Dollars (most costly anything in history in terms of money spent), and plunged the majority of the world’s nations into a state of total war, where all of a nation’s economic, industrial, and scientific capabilities are used only for the purposes of the war effort. Now that is a run-on sentence.

So should we, and indeed the rest of the world, wage total war against global warming? Should all of our endeavors focus on one thing, the annihilation and unconditional surrender of an intangible enemy? Let the sickly and the weak, the old and the young alike, and indeed the welfare of those who cannot fight for themselves, all be damned!

It kind of sounds like both extremes are a little, well, extreme. It really sounds that way when I paraphrase it.

Whatever.

Also would\'ve been okay...
Note: Time’s cover would also be acceptable if students from Stanford
University had succesfully landed at and secured the island of Iwo Jima.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: Irish American Football League

The Irish American Football League (IAFL) is an American Football League… in Ireland. That’s right, the name sums it up perfectly. No reason to needlessly lengthen this introduction.

The first American football game played in Ireland was in 1942. Two teams composed of U.S. servicemen competed in Belfast. The next game was in 1946, also a match between U.S. servicemen. This helped to ensure that Irish spectators really felt they were watching American football, and not some sort of second-rate, devastated-by-WWII, European version. Yes, the U.S. military ensured there was plenty of Americanicity to go around… And they probably impregnated a lot of women, too.

Then, in 1984, a breakthrough: the first Irish team was formed – The Dublin Celts. In 1985 they beat a “premiere” British League team in Dublin. Violence and looting ensued. The first Irish-on-Irish action also took place in 1985.

In 1986, the battle for the first ever Shamrock Bowl began. The Celts were a clear favorite to go all the way after winning the Jack Daniel’s Summer Bowl, but it was not to be. The Celts lost a heart-breaker to Craigavon Cowboys, 6-0. In 1987, 11 teams created what we know to be the IAFL. For the next five years, the Celts would dominate the scene, winning the Shamrock Bowl (the league’s championship game) four times, including three in a row from 1987-1989. Sadly, their overwhelming success landed them in the heart of The Troubles, and the team found itself stationed at the border with Northern Ireland. Equipped with only their pads and their helmets, the team was quickly shot to pieces by British machine gun fire. The Republic’s plan to reunite the island of Ireland through football had too quickly failed.


Sadly, Liam O’McNeill did not stand a chance
against Britain’s famed “Death on Wheels”

In 1993, a major shift in power occurred in the IAFL. Dave Curran, the coach of the Dublin Celts, left the (then) legendary team to coach the Dublin Tornadoes. The Tornadoes went undefeated in the following season, defeating Curran’s former team in the Shamrock Bowl. Despite this, many in Ireland still cared more about The Troubles.

The Tornadoes went on a tear. The team did not lose a game in three seasons and won three consecutive championships. In 1996, the era of their supremacy ended after they lost to a second-year team, the Dublin Lightning, 26-8 in the Shamrock Bowl. Many of the players committed suicide because of this defeat, and the Dublin Tornadoes were no more.

From 1997-1999, many of the teams left the league. The need for American football was waning as peace came to Ireland. Many did not think football really served a purpose beside pre-conditioning potential paramilitary troops. In 1999, only three teams competed in the league, forcing the league to look elsewhere for survival. In 2000, the Mount St. Joseph’s high school team from Maryland, USA, won the Shamrock Bowl, being both the first American team and the first high school team to do so. Their unquestioned dominance and tendency to run up the score “even when [they’re] not trying” lead to them being voted off the island of Ireland in a Survivor-like manner.

2001-2003 were rebuilding years for the league, which now has nine teams in its elite division. From 2003-2006, the Dublin Rebels won four consecutive league championships, including Shamrock Bowl XVIII, highly regarded as the best Shamrock Bowl of all time. In it, the Rebels defeated the Carrickfergus Knights 24-22. In the first quarter, a 75 yard reverse by Carl Faichney gave the Rebels an 8-6 lead, but two more scores by the Knights gave Carrickfergus a 22-8 halftime advantage. In the fourth quarter, trailing 22-16, Mark Kelly caught a 17 yard pass from quarterback Andrew Dennehy. Brian Dennehy’s 2 point conversation gave the Rebels a 24-22 edge. With little over a minute to play, however, the Knights drove to the Rebels’ 23 yard line and attempted a field goal. The kick was up… and good. But, the Knights had cheated. That’s right, cheated. They had 12 men on the field, which, according to the rules, breaks them. A penalty ensued and ultimately, a victory was had by the Rebels. Both sides proceeded to drink heavily after the game.


Above: Rebels QB Andrew Dennehy prepares to- What the fuck? Why is that guy wearing a powder blue helmet?!

In 2007, the Rebels again looked poised to capture the championship having tied for the best record in the league, but those damn meddling kids over at the University of Limerick took that away, thinking it’d be better if they won the Shamrock Bowl instead. What a bunch of self-centered assholes. Pfff… Vikings, go figure.

So far this year, the Rebels seem determined to recapture the glory, having gone 2-0 and having outscored their opponents 82-0. However, those damn UL Vikings are also 2-0, though their victories do not look as impressive. But perhaps both of these teams have another, more troublesome opponent to worry about than themselves. That’s right, I’m obviously talking about the Cork Admirals, who in two games have outscored their opponents 164-0. They sound like they’re twice as good as the Dublin Rebels! We’ll I’ve got news for you, folks, the Rebels are squaring off against the Admirals today (April 20th)! I’ll be sure to post the winner once I bother figuring out who it is. My guess? Uh, the Admirals trump the Rebels, 82-41.

But the real winner is the people of Ireland, who have finally found a way to be violent towards each other without setting everything on fire. See you at Shamrock Bowl XXII, Land o’ Ire!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María de Jesús González

Welcome to a very special edition of the Serial Killer Spotlight. This edition features a serial killing duet; two sisters from Mexico who owned and operated the surprisingly successful “Bordello from Hell”, though really, that’s quite harsh. Mexico’s not quite hell on earth. Maybe it should have just been called “The Bordello from the Really Shitty Part of Mexico”. In either case, I can’t imagine a name like that attracting many customers.

The Bordello... from HELL
Quite frankly, the dripping blood is kind of a turn off.

It’s also a “special edition” because almost no information about the two appear on the internet. Here’s the gist of what you can find out there:

  • The sisters are from Guanajuato, Mexico.
  • The whorehouse’s real name was Rancho El Ángel.
  • The sisters recruited women through help-wanted ads. If the women became too ill, too “damaged” from repeated rapes, lost their appeal, or refused to please customers, the sisters killed them.
  • They also killed customers who came with a lot of cash on hand.
  • On the brothel’s grounds, police found the bodies of 80 women, 11 men, and several fetuses.
  • The sisters were each sentenced to 40 years in prison in 1964.

That’s about it. If anybody finds more information about them on the web, please feel free to leave a link in the comments. Barring that, however, I will proceed to fabricate a story surrounding these two.

It was late 1945. The second World War had just ended, but Mexico was left largely unscarred. In a small, but bustling city some 200 miles north of Mexico City, two sisters were trying hard to make ends meet in a local butcher shop.

(Delfina walks in the butcher shop backroom as María violently hacks away at a side of beef.)
Delfina: María! What are you doing? You have to have surgical precision in order to make the right cuts.
María: Sorry, mi hermana. I’m just so frustrated.
Delfina: Why so?
María: We work so hard for so little at this tiny shop. I know we could do better.
Delfina: Pero, we have no skills other than slaying beasts dead and cutting them to bits.
María: Well, maybe we have some other skills that we just don’t know about yet.
Delfina: That’s stupid. You’re stupid.
María: Whatever, pueta. Oh looky, un cliente!
(Both women rush out of the backroom and into the front of the shop to greet the customer, a homely but well-dressed American man.)
Man: Hey there, ladies, you speaka ingles?
María (wields a butcher’s blade like a deranged maniac): Keep talking to us like that and I’ll cut off your balls, gringo!
Man: Excuse me?
Delfina (sternly, to María): Knock it off or you’ll scare him away, stupid! (Turns to man) You’ll have to excuse mi hermana, she’s diabetic.
Man: Oh, I see.
Delfina: Well, what can we do for you, mister?
Man: Um, I’m looking for sex.
Delfina: Oh, well, uh…
Man: I’ll pay for it if I have to. Are you ladies selling sex here?
Delfina: Well, no, just meat really. Can we interest you in some fine-
María (interrupts Delfina): Hey, uh, yeah; there’s a place down the street. The girls down there will satisfy your needs.
Man: How do I know you’re not just putting me on?
María (seductively): Gringo, I know what you want, and how you want it. (Licks lips) Go get some honey.
Man: SOLD!
(Man walks out.)
Delfina (shouting): And when you’re done, come back for some cold cuts! (To María) You’re something else, mi hermana!
María: Yeah, I guess I can really pimp the ho’s.
Delfina: Wow, you really did have a hidden talent all along!
María: Hey, you’re right! Now you’re stupid!
Delfina: If only there was a way we could make full use of your ability to sell women and my ability to slice open animals with disturbing exactness.
(Both women silently sit for a moment, deep in thought. Suddenly, they simultaneously turn to each other with huge, knowing smiles on their faces. Thus, the deadliest procuresses in the world decided on their most successful and terrifying business endeavor.)

And the rest is history.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Presenting “Too Busy Week”!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 9:30 pm

I’ve been too busy to write consistently, so I just haven’t done so at all.

I have some time now, but I’m really tired. You know the feeling. Maybe tomorrow.  Well, see you later.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Comedy Fest

The week I spent in Melbourne watching the comedy festival there was really my favorite part of my trip to Australia. So here’s the highlights:

Best shows (that I saw):

  1. Pappy’s Fun Club
  2. Patton Oswalt (with Kristen Schaal & Kurt Braunohler, and David O’Doherty opening)
  3. Daniel Kitson

Best quotes (that I heard):

  • Kristen Schaal is a horse! (Kurt Braunohler in Kristen Schaal’s As You’ve Probably Never Seen Her Before!)
  • Do you guys drink water here? (Patton Oswalt)
  • It’s the Rock-naissance, bitch-olas! (The Delusionists in Everything That Ever Happened, Ever)
  • That’s two guys with five dicks each. (David O’Doherty in It’s David O’Doherty Time)
  • In addition to being a comedy butler, I used to do… SEX! (Asher Treleaven as Saxson the Comedy Butler in Ali McGregor’s Late Night Variety Nite-Night)
  • Where are you from, sir? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! (Kurt Braunohler)
  • It sounds like he’s telling you to fuck off. (Daniel Kitson relaying a conversation between two audience members)
  • What did you do with old lady winter, father? / Let’s just say she’ll be tied up for awhile. / Oh, you tied her up? / I kicked her in the skull until she died. (Pig Island in Simply Fancy)
  • Oh good; see, normally he would just rape that woman, but now he rapes and pillages, so we make some money. (Pappy’s Fun Club)
  • Big Howard: You came in too soon! Little Howard: I’m sorry; it’s never happened before and I’m under a lot of stress. I don’t know what that means. (Howard Read and Little Howard in Little Howard and the Magic Pencil of Life and Death)

Best scents (that I smelled):

  • Vanilla
  • Lavender
  • Breakfast

I added the last one in just to make it seem worthwhile that I even bothered to have lists for two other items.  So there’s that.

Winnebago.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Page: Completed

Filed under: Food/Drink — Jill Hater @ 9:07 pm
Tags: , ,

So I finally finished spell checking and putting links into The Australian Candidate, the page which now contains my journal entries from my trip to Australia. Go ahead, read it. <breath alignment=under> Fuckers. </breath>

Exhausted from this effort, I am not willing to put in the extra effort required to put together a funny post. So instead, I’ll just leave you with a funny picture I took while in Aussieland.

Better than your poultry
You just can’t get poultry this good in the U.S.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Scary’s on the Wall

Filed under: Animals — Jill Hater @ 9:22 pm

Yes, Scary’s on his way. My cat died the other day. I wasn’t there, and truthfully, it was more of my dad’s cat, since for the past three years I haven’t really been there.

He was eight years old, and had just celebrated his birthday on April 4th, feasting on a can of tuna and getting high on catnip. It was a good day I am told.

In memoriam of eight great years…


4 April 2000 – 7 April 2008

Faster we run. And we die young.

Post Script: Don’t get pissed at me for using that in this post – Pets are a big deal to everyone. You should know that.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Dehiatusized

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 1:25 pm
Tags: ,

Yes, that is a made up word, and yes, I have returned to Kuwait from Australia, unfortunately.  I spent the first week in Sydney, doing all sorts of tourist crap, then I spent the next week in Melbourne, mostly just going to shows at the comedy festival that was taking place.  All in all, it was a great time had by everyone (only me, really).  I did make regular journal entries and I will like dedicate a lengthy page to typing all of that up.  So, yeah, I’m back.  Whatever.