Potvin Newsly

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: IAFL Update

Well, it seems I got a lot of support from members within the Irish American Football League concerning my original post about them awhile back. A couple of people even posted a link to my web log to some threads concerning the IAFL, including Coach Al from the Dublin Dragons, an IAFL developmental team, who referred to my post as a “little history lesson”. Thanks for the support, guys.

As for that big game between the Dublin Rebels and the Cork Admirals? The Admirals won, 6-0 on a 70 yard pass from David Lomasney to Matteo Spada. Just for the record, “Matteo Spada” doesn’t sound like a very Irish name, now does it? (Or is it actually more Irish because it’s Gaelic? I don’t really know anything about that language, but if that’s the case, then why isn’t he playing Gaelic Football?) In any case, Dublin Rebels, you might want to look into this guy’s background and see if you can’t get him deported… Maybe to Estonia. That’ll show him.

Despite this win, the Admirals do not have a perfect record. They have lost twice to those damned University of Limerick Vikings. Fucking Vikings! And those dudes are undefeated. But is their dominance unquestioned throughout the Irish sub-sub-continent? Nay! For they have yet to play the Dublin Rebels this year. But best believe that on June 22nd, these two foes shall meet in what is being dubbed by many (starting now) to be Shamrock Bowl 21-and-a-half. Boo yeah!

Who will emerge victorious and, therefore, the favorite to take home the title August 10th at Shamrock Bowl XXII? It’s a tough call, though the Vikings will have homefield advantage, but the Rebels have been known to bring books of haikus to offset the power of the Limerick. I’m saying this one’s too close to call.

In other news, I am going to go ahead and mark my full endorsement on the DV8 team the Dublin Dragons based on Coach Al’s support, despite the fact that they are only 2-4. Keep working hard, boys, and climb that figurative mountain of football destiny!

I’ll likely make a Shamrock Bowl XXII pregame analysis and prediction post on August 9th, but until then, keep yourself updated with the IAFL’s official website.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Remote (Comma) Jumbo Universal

We used to live in a time where bigger meant better, and everybody strove for bigger TVs, bigger cars, and bigger steaks. But then those “convenience” and “economical” fads started to take off and left us with mini-laptops, hybrids, and supermodels. In a brave effort to reverse the trend and set us back on the right track of needlessly wasting materials and resources on larger products, one courageous company, Innovage, has taken a step forward. Ladies and gentlemans, may I present to you the Jumbo Universal Remote Control.

Below: A True “Texas-Sized” Remote, If You Will
“Texas-Sized” because it’s the only remote that can
match the size of a true Texan’s overinflated ego.

And that’s not some kid’s hand (or even a woman’s) – note the hair. That’s a good look for a hand model.

Now, normally one wouldn’t tote some comically oversized device as being convenient, but this truly is. First of all, it’s too big to lose, unless you’re like me and own one of the seven jumbo recliners originally designed for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I’ve lost this thing several times in that chair, so be bery very wary.

Also, it’s so big that even old people can use it. Plus, it’s extra soft buttons will keep your elders from hurting themselves, not like regular remotes with firmer buttons that have been known to poke people’s eyes out.*

*May not be a true statement.

But it’s biggest advantage is that, according to the manufacturer, it can be programmed to control up to eight devices, so it conserves space. Think of it as owning a bus instead of owning eight family sedans; isn’t that more convenient? I thought so.

Now, some critics might point out to you that the remote only has five function buttons at the top (instead of eight), and that you have to use two hands to use it, and that it takes six D cell batteries, and that the infrared laser has been known to cause blindness and severe skin burns, and that it emits excess radiation that’s dangerous to small children and pregnant women, BUT HEY NAYSAYERS, STOP TRYING TO RAIN ON EVERYBODY’S PARADE!!!1!one!

Sorry for yelling, I just felt it necessary.

Seriously though, don’t point this at anybody’s face and keep it out of reach of small children.

All she wants for Christmas is her eyesight back.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Thou Hast Crossed-eth Me! I mean, Thee…!

“What seems to be the problem Officer… ‘Douchebag’? Is that right? Huh, funny last name.” Those would have been prime words to say had I been there when Sergeant Brown wrote me a parking ticket. Of course, I probably wouldn’t have said them, but they still would’ve been the prime words that I’d like to say, so I’m stickin’ with it.

And of course, a parking ticket isn’t really a big deal, especially if you’re like me and have never been pulled over, let alone had a previous ticket to speak of. And to top that, it’s a non-moving violation, so, really, no biggie.

But the $100 fine is sort of a big deal, especialmente if you’re like moi and it’s well over what you make in a day.

But that’s not even the part that really stings. And I mean like a swarm of angry Africanized killer bees… with zombie stingers. Whoa, watch out.

The part that really gets me is that for months (okay, for the one month that I’ve lived here) anybody and their brother (and perhaps other siblings) could park just about wherever they liked to, “No Parking” signs and yellow curbs be damned! But then, one day I get a car, and, to be painfully fair, I did park in the vicinity of a “No Parking” sign. BUT, it wasn’t right next to it, there was no yellow on the curb, and the alternative spot of choice was next to a fire hydrant.

So now I’ve got this car for less than 24 hours and I go outside and lo and behold! a parking ticket.

And now I must ask into the void that is the interweb: why, why Sergeant Brown did you chose to actually do your job on the one fucking day I own a car on this Godforsaken scorched piece of earth we collectively call an army base? Fuck you, and I mean that sternly. <extreme (and I mean extreme) sarcasm> But oh no! You were just doing your job, this one time anyway. I mean, who cares if my roommate parks his Colorado on the crosswalk and my friend down the hall parks his Explorer in front of the fire hydrant? I mean, damn those are both American cars, B, and besides, they’ve owned their cars for more than a whole day. Oh, and they’ve parked there so many times, they’re practically grandfathered in. Did you tell your wife and kids what you did? They must be proud. “Yay! Daddy wrote somebody a ticket and is taking away some of that person’s money because, despite what was perceived by the general populous of the area to be complete lack of competence by the MPs in enforcing the parking standards, he decided to do his job today! Hooray for daddy!” Yep, just wouldn’t be able to win the War on Terror without you taking away some of my money. </sarcasm>

I’ll see you in court, fucker, just as soon as I rip those “No Parking” signs out of the ground and take pictures of the side street. Sucka.