“What seems to be the problem Officer… ‘Douchebag’? Is that right? Huh, funny last name.” Those would have been prime words to say had I been there when Sergeant Brown wrote me a parking ticket. Of course, I probably wouldn’t have said them, but they still would’ve been the prime words that I’d like to say, so I’m stickin’ with it.
And of course, a parking ticket isn’t really a big deal, especially if you’re like me and have never been pulled over, let alone had a previous ticket to speak of. And to top that, it’s a non-moving violation, so, really, no biggie.
But that’s not even the part that really stings. And I mean like a swarm of angry Africanized killer bees… with zombie stingers. Whoa, watch out.
The part that really gets me is that for months (okay, for the one month that I’ve lived here) anybody and their brother (and perhaps other siblings) could park just about wherever they liked to, “No Parking” signs and yellow curbs be damned! But then, one day I get a car, and, to be painfully fair, I did park in the vicinity of a “No Parking” sign. BUT, it wasn’t right next to it, there was no yellow on the curb, and the alternative spot of choice was next to a fire hydrant.
So now I’ve got this car for less than 24 hours and I go outside and lo and behold! a parking ticket.
And now I must ask into the void that is the interweb: why, why Sergeant Brown did you chose to actually do your job on the one fucking day I own a car on this Godforsaken scorched piece of earth we collectively call an army base? Fuck you, and I mean that sternly. <extreme (and I mean extreme) sarcasm> But oh no! You were just doing your job, this one time anyway. I mean, who cares if my roommate parks his Colorado on the crosswalk and my friend down the hall parks his Explorer in front of the fire hydrant? I mean, damn those are both American cars, B, and besides, they’ve owned their cars for more than a whole day. Oh, and they’ve parked there so many times, they’re practically grandfathered in. Did you tell your wife and kids what you did? They must be proud. “Yay! Daddy wrote somebody a ticket and is taking away some of that person’s money because, despite what was perceived by the general populous of the area to be complete lack of competence by the MPs in enforcing the parking standards, he decided to do his job today! Hooray for daddy!” Yep, just wouldn’t be able to win the War on Terror without you taking away some of my money. </sarcasm>
I’ll see you in court, fucker, just as soon as I rip those “No Parking” signs out of the ground and take pictures of the side street. Sucka.