Potvin Newsly

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Remote (Comma) Jumbo Universal

We used to live in a time where bigger meant better, and everybody strove for bigger TVs, bigger cars, and bigger steaks. But then those “convenience” and “economical” fads started to take off and left us with mini-laptops, hybrids, and supermodels. In a brave effort to reverse the trend and set us back on the right track of needlessly wasting materials and resources on larger products, one courageous company, Innovage, has taken a step forward. Ladies and gentlemans, may I present to you the Jumbo Universal Remote Control.

Below: A True “Texas-Sized” Remote, If You Will
“Texas-Sized” because it’s the only remote that can
match the size of a true Texan’s overinflated ego.

And that’s not some kid’s hand (or even a woman’s) – note the hair. That’s a good look for a hand model.

Now, normally one wouldn’t tote some comically oversized device as being convenient, but this truly is. First of all, it’s too big to lose, unless you’re like me and own one of the seven jumbo recliners originally designed for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I’ve lost this thing several times in that chair, so be bery very wary.

Also, it’s so big that even old people can use it. Plus, it’s extra soft buttons will keep your elders from hurting themselves, not like regular remotes with firmer buttons that have been known to poke people’s eyes out.*

*May not be a true statement.

But it’s biggest advantage is that, according to the manufacturer, it can be programmed to control up to eight devices, so it conserves space. Think of it as owning a bus instead of owning eight family sedans; isn’t that more convenient? I thought so.

Now, some critics might point out to you that the remote only has five function buttons at the top (instead of eight), and that you have to use two hands to use it, and that it takes six D cell batteries, and that the infrared laser has been known to cause blindness and severe skin burns, and that it emits excess radiation that’s dangerous to small children and pregnant women, BUT HEY NAYSAYERS, STOP TRYING TO RAIN ON EVERYBODY’S PARADE!!!1!one!

Sorry for yelling, I just felt it necessary.

Seriously though, don’t point this at anybody’s face and keep it out of reach of small children.

All she wants for Christmas is her eyesight back.

1 Comment »

  1. I, no bs, own one of these. It was on sale for like 5 bucks at Ross. It is everything you hoped for and more. Conversation starter, ego stroker, improvised weapon and shield in one, and so much more. I convinced Jill to buy it as a gag gift but I couldn’t let it go.

    Yee .. freakin .. haw.

    Comment by ohthathurt — Monday, June 30, 2008 @ 10:30 am | Reply

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