No, my friends, this isn’t a machine that pumps out shitty movies based on Don DeLillo novels – It’s something far more virtuous. And it’s actually less stupid, if you can believe that.
No, this isn’t one of those things that roves around vacuuming
your floor, and you probably can’t redesign it to suck you off.
Behold! You are now held witness to the greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the pillow! What does it do, you ask? Why, it makes noise sir! Ahem, or ma’am.
See, what you, the innocent consumer, don’t know is that during the night there’s a lot of unwanted or even disturbing noises. Ya know, stuff like passing traffic, cats fighting, newly-orphaned children crying, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, for example. And how can you get a restful night’s sleep with all the ruckus of man’s destruction going on in the background? You’ve got to mask that noise good sir, with more noise. Or ma’am.
Now, some people sleep with fans or air conditioners on. But the thing is, they, the other innocent potential consumers, just don’t realize that those noises are also distracting. So it’s not actually helping you, even if you think it’s helping you. Just about the only thing that can put your ears and mind to rest whilst preparing for sleep is this provocatively groovy white noise machine. And how can you be certain it’s provocatively groovy? Because it’s advertised on vat19.com, and they attest that they are “purveyors of curiously awesome products”. So pretty much the same thing.
But that picture up above? Doesn’t look so curiously awesome; I think it could use a little ‘zazz. Behold! You are now held witness to the even better, new and improved greatest innovation in sleep improvement since the stupid fucking pillow! … :
Oh no! I am also aware of my tongue!