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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bear Attack Week: Bears Vs. the Rest of the Animal Kingdom

It’s easy to think that Bears are only trying to eliminate humans, but let’s face the facts: bears are out for world domination over all animals. They’re just really focused on humans because we’re “top dog” so-to-speak. I suppose dogs are the actual top dogs, since they have the most dog-like features, but you know what I mean.

Bears pretty much have physical dominance over all other land animals, or so they thought. Take a close look at the farms around Hygiene, Colorado, and you might just find a certain cow named Apple that chased a black bear out of her favorite tree. This cow maybe “The One”. We’re not certain until he get the test results back from Morpheus, but this cow does should an extraordinary and innate ability to destroy Bears in the Matrix.

Though Apple maybe a source of newfound hope in the Global War on Bearrrorism, the situation still looks bleak. Also, bears are making steady advances on naval warfare, as documented by wikiality.com. Apparently, bears might be mating with sharks to produce a superbreed of predators, known as the bearshark. Even worse is the potential for a super-superbreed known as the pyro bearshark, which is a flaming version (and I don’t mean a gayer version, I mean literally flaming… with flames).

So bears are already promising to conquer everything from the highest mountains to the deepest depths of Poseidon’s kingdom, but we’ll still have space, right? Well, maybe not. Take a look at this disturbing photograph.

Below: A Bear Astronaut
Clearly bears are ready to challenge man’s dominance in the final frontier.

Now, Minnesota authorities would have you believe that this bear just got its head stuck in a two-and-a-half gallon plastic jug, but that smells like bad hogwash from a mile out. Obviously, this bear was preparing for a full orbit around the earth. Bears are out to eliminate man’s presence even in outer space!

This post will conclude my special feature of Bear Attack Week. Hopefully I have spread the essential knowledge about the dangers bears pose to all of us, and hopefully I’ve helped to save at least one (human) life. Until next year, keep vigilant, and stay the hell out of Alaska.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Zombie Bear

When one thinks of the greatest threats to humanity, often it is humanity itself that tops the list. Then one thinks of zombies and realizes that, though derived from humans, zombies really have no trace of humanity left in their rotting flesh corpses as they mindlessly march us toward our (and ironically their) extinction. Then one thinks of how a zombie bear would obviously be much more dangerous than a zombie human. Thus one finds mankind’s worst enemy: The Zombie Bear.

Much like a human zombie, a zombie bear will track down and attempt to eat any living animal it can; especially its brains. But regular bears, being animals as they are, have a natural “anti-zombie instinct” that allows them to detect when zombie “life” forms are present. Just like when a dog starts barking at a zombie because it realizes the impending doom that is certain to engulf the whole of the animal kingdom. So most bears will naturally avoid zombies of any type (especially of the bear variety) and head north, where it is safer due to the cold, harsh climate and those shifty Canadians. Bear numbers will fall, but ultimately they will not face extinction; only man, and the livestock and grains that owe their dependency to us, face this certain peril.

Zombie bears will attack people for the same reason zombie humans do: humans are the easiest thing to track down and eat. Also, humans have the tastiest brains, and can be found in great numbers pretty much anywhere around the world, especially China. Our only hope relies on two conditions:

  1. There will not be many zombie bears to terrorize us. If there are too many for us to properly respond to, they will likely force humanity to live in a system of underground caves, where we will subside for several millennia, until the posh, luxury laden class of sub-humans arise and live upon the bounty of a rejuvenated earth, only to be harvested at night and eaten by the hideous Morlocks still residing beneath the surface.
  2. The zombie virus that infects bears does not jump from species to species; i.e. zombie bears do not make zombie humans upon biting humans.

As I said before, normal bears will likely be able to avoid the dreaded zombie bear and properly expel it from their community by dumping it upon ours. So, with condition one being met, we only need to hope that the zombie bear virus is not adapted to interspecies infection. Luckily, for us, there is evidence appearing that it isn’t.

August 25th, 2005; John Otter was hiking with his daughter, Jenna, in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then a bear appeared. I smell trouble. The bear attack John, who valiantly defended his daughter from da bear. The bear gave John some serious injuries: five major bites over his body, a broken eye socket, three broken ribs, and five broken vertebrae. But perhaps most disturbing is that the bear ripped off his scalp, exposing his skull. Otter said he tried to protect his head, but remarked “I could feel the tooth going in.” Obviously this bear was a zombie that not only tried to devour Otter’s flesh, but also his delicious brains. It is unknown as to why the bear did not finish off John Otter, though many speculate that there are high concentrations of silver and naturally occurring Holy Water in the area, perhaps “spooking” the zombie bear, if such a thing can be done. Luckily for civilization, John Otter did not become a zombie himself and devour his family, converting them into the first recruits of an undefeatable Army of the (Un)Dead. In fact, as far as you know, he made a full recovery (in Area 51).

Need more proof that there are zombie bears but in fact that the zombie bear virus is not transmittable to humans? Cite example dos:

Brent Case, a 53 year old outdoorsman from Vancouver Island, Canada, was a victim in what many people think is a classic zombie bear attack. Case said he saw a 900 pound grizzly bear coming at him aggressively (as if bears know any other way to approach people), and dropped to the ground to play dead. But that didn’t stop this zombie bear from ripping into the un-undead Case.

First the bear grabbed one of Case’s arms and tore into it, obviously to satisfy its desire for living blood and flesh. Then the bear bit into his head, leaving his scalp in bloody flaps and putting gaping wounds into his skull. As Case recounts the terrifying incident, “[I thought] ‘He’s eating my brains. I know it, I can feel it. I hope he gets over it soon.’ I was hurting so bad…” And what kind of bears eat brains? ZOMBIE BEARS – exactly!

Case did, in spite of logic, survive the incident and did not succumb to the zombie virus. He even made an appearance on the Today show after the incident, and made no remarks of wanting to eat Meredith Vieira’s brains. The bear was found and shot, though the body “mysteriously” disappeared without explanation. Is it just me or is the government getting lazier and lazier with its cover-ups?

So there you have it people, zombie bears: worse than Lex Luther, the Black Plague, and Communists all put together.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Lethality Index

Many arguments erupt over which bears are “best.” One can only assume that “best” means “deadliest” or “most lethal” when talking about bears. What other criteria could be used to determine which bear is best? Exactly – none.

I will traverse the vast many species of bears to discover which bear is indeed the best bear of them all.

Koala Bear – This bear ranks extremely low in lethality, due to the fact that it is neither a bear nor lethal.

Panda Bear – Panda bears are probably “capable” of killing people, but are they capable of killing other bears? The deadliest bears are. The panda is barely worth mentioning, if not for that time a zoo panda in China mauled a teen when he jumped into “gentle Gu Gu’s” pen. What’s worse than getting attacked by a bear? Surviving and having to tell your friends it was a panda named Gu Gu.

Spectacled Bear – So named because it kind of looks like this bear’s wearing glasses. If that isn’t dis-alarming enough, this bear isn’t even thought to actually be carnivorous. No deaths have ever been reported. Weak.

Sun Bear – This bear has sharp, sickle-shaped claws and formidable teeth; quite scary. But, this bear is also only four feet long and usually weighs less than 145 pounds. Losing some cool points there, bear. This bear isn’t expected to be a threat to anybody who’s reached puberty, and, being the smallest member of the bear family, is sometimes hunted by the Asian black bear. Extra weak.

Sloth Bear – Now, this isn’t a group of bears this time, but this bear was once actually thought to be a sloth, and was known as the bear sloth. It makes one think that if it’s not “beary” enough to be thought of as a bear right off the bat, then how could it be considered for world’s deadliest bear?

Sloth bears are said (by whom I don’t know) to be the most aggressive and least predictable of all Asian bears. And the bears are deadly: during a six year period in one central Indian state, sloth bears killed 48 people. For a comparison, consider that grizzlies killed about 50 people in the whole of North America from 1900-2003.

One creature in particular, the sloth bear of Mysore, was credited with killing 12 people and mauling another 2 dozen in predominately unprovoked attacks. Survivors often lost one or both eyes, and those killed by the bear usually had their faces entirely removed from their head, usually. Sick. This bear only partially ate three people, so he was pretty much killing just for the fuck of it. The sloth bear of Mysore, and indeed all sloth bears, score pretty high on the lethalmeter.

Asian Black Bear – This bear is very similar to the American black bear, with one notable exception: excessive aggressiveness. Some “experts” say this might be due to their more frequent contact with humans, but I say it’s their revenge for the bile-harvesting from their gallbladders. Asian black bears are not fans of traditional Chinese medicine. These bears are deemed to have “above average lethality”.

American Black Bear – These cunning agents of death are known for conducting more predatory attacks than their larger cousins, the brown bears. These guys are the velociraptors of bears. In mid-1992, a black bear entered a retreat cabin occupied by Army Captain Michael Staver and his wife, Darcy. The beast crawled through the window, so Michael and Darcy climbed onto the roof, where they remained marooned. Michael, upon agreement with his wife, ran to their boat to go get help. When he returned with authorities and guns, the bear was found feasting on Darcy’s remains on the ground; it had apparently climbed a tree next to the house and forced her off the roof. From her wounds, it was seen that she had fought the bear with an intrepid spirit to no avail. Michael kept the bear as a pet; it later ate his cat.

In May, 1978, George & Mark Halfkenny and William Rhindress, 12, 14, and 16 years old, respectively, where spending a day fishing in Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario, Canada. William’s older brother, Richard, 18, had taken them out for a day of outdoor activities and other stuff. Anyway, nearing the evening hours, a black bear attacked George Halfkenny whilst he was fishing. Sneak attack, from behind. When Mark Halfkenny and William Rhindress went out to search for their comrade, they too were stalked by the murderous bear. They were both found with broken necks. Richard Rhindress then went about searching for the trio, but saw no sign of them. He left and enlisted the help of the authorities who found the bear guarding the boys’ bodies for later meals.

In August of 1993, a black bear ripped off the door to Colin McClelland’s trailer then crushed his skull. When the brute strength of a bear is tied to the tenacity of a bear and the cunning of a bear, then you have a very dangerous bear. You then have an American Black Bear.

Polar Bears – These bears are, on average, the largest specimens. Certain subspecies of the brown bear may reach sizes that exceed polar bears, but the average brown bear should be slightly smaller than a polar bear. Polar bears have distinctly shaped claws that help them grip the ice and capture their large prey. These claws are designed for killing more so than any another bear. Also, the polar bear’s canines are the largest and sharpest of any bear, although the polar bear’s jaw is usually smaller than a brown bear’s. Polar bear attacks are pretty rare, but they are almost always lethal, as opposed to Brown bears, who typically just maul a person and walk away, whether or not they killed you. The polar bear’s large size, specially made “deathclaws” and “murderteef,” added with it’s tendency to totally go sickhouse on somebody’s ass, gives them a high lethality index.

Brown Bears – The largest of the brown bears are the largest of the bears, period. Kodiak grizzlies and their close cousins, the Kamchatka grizzlies, regularly approach sizes equaling or exceeding that of polar bears. These bears rarely turn into man-eaters, but killing you and leaving you by the wayside might just be more brutal.

In the spring of 1987, Charles Gibbs was photographing a female with cubs in Glacier National Park. This was the last time he was seen alive. Investigators did recover his camera, and developed film of the bear approaching in attack mode at 50 yards. That’s some serious Bear Witch Project shit right there.

Audelio Luis Cortes was working in Alaska with a seismic crew in February of 1998, when a brown bear killed him with a single bite to the head. Viciously brutal.

Julie Helgeson was 19 in the summer of 1967, when she decided to go camping in Glacier National Park. Around the same time, a grizzly decided to drag her sleeping bag from her tent into the woods. Julie’s problem was that she was inside the sleeping bag. The bear did not like this.

Conclusion – Which bear is best deadliest? While Asian black bears and sloth bears score high marks in the number of fatalities, they cannot be regarded as the best bears because they are not apex predators. Asian black bears could account for up to 7% of Siberian tigers’ diets where the two animals live together. Sloth bears are even worse when it comes to being eaten by other animals.

That pretty much narrows it down to the American black bear, the brown bear, and the polar bear. American black bears tend to be more predatory towards people than brown bears, but there’s nearly ten times more black bears than brown ones in North America, and black bears don’t create a significantly greater amount of fatalities to demonstrate this. Hell, half the time brown bears aren’t even trying to kill people, it just happens accidentally when you go into their mechanic shop and they give you a total overmaul. Also, head to head, brown bears beat black bears like silly billies. Killings of black bears by brown ones are extremely rare, but do occur.

So how’s brownie compare to the polar bear? Both bears are extremely well suited for killing people, but brown bears do it more often. Score one there. Brown bears and polar bears don’t interact too often, but brown bears tend to dominate polar bears in disputes over carcasses. That being said, I crown the brown bear as The Best Bear.

Added bonus points: brown bears have reportedly eaten panda bears. Check it out in the Great Bear Almanac.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Sloth

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear Sloth
Could also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then – and this is the terrifying part – multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30” be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the Bears

The inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.

A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

Bear Attack Week: Beating Your Bear

No, that’s not a euphemism for masturbating the male sex organ; neither yours nor the bear’s. Quite simply, it is how to how to defeat your bear in battle.

Now, a lot of “experts” will tell you to play dead, and maybe the bear will just get bored and leave you alone. Sounds probable, right? Well, that might be the way some surrender monkeys do it, but I advise otherwise. Think of a bear as Hitler. Did Hitler get bored with conquering Europe when other countries let him annex Austria and Czechoslovakia, even though Germany was explicitly forbidden to do so? No, and that’s exactly my point – an attacking bear, much like an attacking Hitler, must be fought back against.

A lot of people might be thinking, “I can’t beat up a bear.” That’s okay; in fact, over 98% of people can’t beat up even a lousy black bear, let alone a grizzly or polar variety bear. But you don’t actually have to beat up the bear, you just have to fight it a little bit. Bears are incredibly lazy animals, and they make even worse off as fathers. Mother bears rarely get there allotted court ordered cub support. Deadbeat motherfuckers. Anyway, since bears have this incredible laziness about them, they usually won’t go through with a fight. I.E., if the bear sees that you’re fighting back, it’ll probably just give up.

And you don’t have to be strong or in great shape to do it, either. Look at the case of Steve Bartley, from Springfield, Oregon, who used his bare hands (terrible pun) to fight off the largest grizzly seen in Yellowstone in 30 years. Impressive. Added to that is the fact that Bartley is a 59 year old man; he’s probably not in his peak physical condition. He looks like John McCain could beat him up. Here, here’s a picture.

Below: Steve Bartley

Kid Rock wrote a song about you, brotha-man.

Some people might say “Hey, I know Steve, and that guy’s a total badass. In fact, he’s mastered four different martial arts, not including a fifth fighting technique called ‘Grizzly Annihilation’ that he spent three years learning from ninjas in their super secret underwater ninja academy. Plus I once saw him crush an apple with one hand, but granted that was a few years ago.” Well that all may or may not be true, but you don’t even have to be as smart or as badassed as Sensei Bartley-sama here. Take the following example.

Devon Rees, some 18 year old dumbass from Alaska was recently mauled while walking home from a friend’s house. Now, before I get a bunch of comments from angry Alaskans I just want to say one thing: Yes, he was probably birthed from an incestuous relationship as well. Just kidding, but seriously though, this guy was an idiot (and it probably didn’t have anything to do with him being from Alaska). Rees was walking at night, when he reportedly “couldn’t see a thing” on a trail where bears had been spotted “every night,” according to Rees’ uncle, the good Mr. Dr. Rev. R.J. Jones.

Now I’m surprised that Rees didn’t just play dead, considering the context of his stupidity, but in his defense, he was smart enough to fight back against the bear. Eventually, the bear left, making all in the crowd believe that Rees had in fact won the fight. Controversy erupted, however, when local police lieutenant Paul Honeman scored the fight as a “tie.” Rees told reporters that he “earned [his] bragging rights” by fighting the bear, adding “I bet I’ll get a ton of pussy, first from sympathy for my wounds, then later for the recognition of my gallant bravery, for women will realize that I can also protect them while we walk down bear-laden trails through the pitch black darkness of the night.” Rees then added, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll just become a pizza delivery boy or a T.V. repairman.”

So there you go; just about anybody can defeat a bear in close combat. And by “defeat” I simply mean “prevent death from,” so just insert it into the previous sentence as applicable. And, if you lose a fight to a bear and it kills you, don’t feel bad. Just remember: hey, it’s a fucking bear – you weren’t supposed to win.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Introducing “Bear Attack Week”

Filed under: Animals — Jill Hater @ 10:45 pm

That’s right, I’m doing something that the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet never had the balls to do: I’m dedicating an entire week of output to nothing but stories of bear attacks. Fuck yeah!

Sure, there’s Shark Week, and there’s Animal Cops: Dangerous Game, and there’s even that HBO show Ravenous Wolves Attack Old Man, but trust me, none of it will be as brutal as what I will put forth this coming week.

There will be laughter, there will be tears, and there will be blood. Most of it will be blood. We are talking about bears, of course. They can cause a person to bleed.

Now, I understand that with this there will be a demand for other attack weeks, such as “Cougar Attack Week” or “Mountain Lion Attack Week”, or even “Puma Attack Week”, but until animals like these get the cojones to rise up against their domineering cousin, the homo sapiens sapiens, I will not feature attack weeks for them. Well, maybe I will. We’ll see.

Sleep tight, readers.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sunday Spotlight: The Sunday Spotlight

For weeks I published the Sunday Spotlight once the 2007-2008 NFL season had ended. I had promised to deliver one Sunday Spotlight every Sunday until the games began again. This did not happen.

Instead, I published a mere eight of the football inspired posts. That’s kind of disappointing, but hey, I don’t see you out there writing about football.

Well, the 2008 NFL season has started, albeit just the preseason. Nevertheless, this is the last of the Sunday Spotlights for the time being. Like Brett Favre, it is time to retire. And, also like Favre, they will likely return next year, even if some people don’t want the Sunday Spotlight hanging around, and getting in Aaron Rodgers’ way.