Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: Beating Your Bear

No, that’s not a euphemism for masturbating the male sex organ; neither yours nor the bear’s. Quite simply, it is how to how to defeat your bear in battle.

Now, a lot of “experts” will tell you to play dead, and maybe the bear will just get bored and leave you alone. Sounds probable, right? Well, that might be the way some surrender monkeys do it, but I advise otherwise. Think of a bear as Hitler. Did Hitler get bored with conquering Europe when other countries let him annex Austria and Czechoslovakia, even though Germany was explicitly forbidden to do so? No, and that’s exactly my point – an attacking bear, much like an attacking Hitler, must be fought back against.

A lot of people might be thinking, “I can’t beat up a bear.” That’s okay; in fact, over 98% of people can’t beat up even a lousy black bear, let alone a grizzly or polar variety bear. But you don’t actually have to beat up the bear, you just have to fight it a little bit. Bears are incredibly lazy animals, and they make even worse off as fathers. Mother bears rarely get there allotted court ordered cub support. Deadbeat motherfuckers. Anyway, since bears have this incredible laziness about them, they usually won’t go through with a fight. I.E., if the bear sees that you’re fighting back, it’ll probably just give up.

And you don’t have to be strong or in great shape to do it, either. Look at the case of Steve Bartley, from Springfield, Oregon, who used his bare hands (terrible pun) to fight off the largest grizzly seen in Yellowstone in 30 years. Impressive. Added to that is the fact that Bartley is a 59 year old man; he’s probably not in his peak physical condition. He looks like John McCain could beat him up. Here, here’s a picture.

Below: Steve Bartley

Kid Rock wrote a song about you, brotha-man.

Some people might say “Hey, I know Steve, and that guy’s a total badass. In fact, he’s mastered four different martial arts, not including a fifth fighting technique called ‘Grizzly Annihilation’ that he spent three years learning from ninjas in their super secret underwater ninja academy. Plus I once saw him crush an apple with one hand, but granted that was a few years ago.” Well that all may or may not be true, but you don’t even have to be as smart or as badassed as Sensei Bartley-sama here. Take the following example.

Devon Rees, some 18 year old dumbass from Alaska was recently mauled while walking home from a friend’s house. Now, before I get a bunch of comments from angry Alaskans I just want to say one thing: Yes, he was probably birthed from an incestuous relationship as well. Just kidding, but seriously though, this guy was an idiot (and it probably didn’t have anything to do with him being from Alaska). Rees was walking at night, when he reportedly “couldn’t see a thing” on a trail where bears had been spotted “every night,” according to Rees’ uncle, the good Mr. Dr. Rev. R.J. Jones.

Now I’m surprised that Rees didn’t just play dead, considering the context of his stupidity, but in his defense, he was smart enough to fight back against the bear. Eventually, the bear left, making all in the crowd believe that Rees had in fact won the fight. Controversy erupted, however, when local police lieutenant Paul Honeman scored the fight as a “tie.” Rees told reporters that he “earned [his] bragging rights” by fighting the bear, adding “I bet I’ll get a ton of pussy, first from sympathy for my wounds, then later for the recognition of my gallant bravery, for women will realize that I can also protect them while we walk down bear-laden trails through the pitch black darkness of the night.” Rees then added, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll just become a pizza delivery boy or a T.V. repairman.”

So there you go; just about anybody can defeat a bear in close combat. And by “defeat” I simply mean “prevent death from,” so just insert it into the previous sentence as applicable. And, if you lose a fight to a bear and it kills you, don’t feel bad. Just remember: hey, it’s a fucking bear – you weren’t supposed to win.

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1 Comment »

  1. Hey this is Devon Rees Bear Busta Extrodinare, screw you dude! I didn’t work my ass off tellin people I’m the best to have some punk like you discredit me like im sum kinda.. loser! or gay man homo. Look, I had a reason to be walkin down that road ok and I don’t have to tell you why or nothin. and I could see some stuff so it wasn’t like I was walkin around blinded. And whats rong with Alaska? I know pleanty of awesome people from alaska that have guns and could kick your ass. So you watch you language when your talkin to me man. And not anybody can defeat a bear. Have you ever faught a bear? I didn’t think so. Maybe in your wet dreams. So suck on the.

    Palin rocks!

    Comment by Devon Rees (Da Bear Busta Bitch!) — Wednesday, November 19, 2008 @ 11:50 pm | Reply


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