Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Sloth

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear Sloth
Could also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then – and this is the terrifying part – multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30” be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the Bears

The inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.


A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

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3 Comments »

  1. Its a crazy epidemic….as absurd as it sounds I believe that bears will soon group together and take over mankind with a vengence……The bears will harvest humans for food….Don’t believe me, just wait, you will……..you will.

    Comment by Papa Pellegrin — Thursday, August 7, 2008 @ 2:35 pm | Reply

  2. Thanks for the warning. I now have the reason I need to buy a locomotive-style cow pusher and a machine gun mount for my truck. Watch out you fanged motherF%@*ers, I’ve seen Red Dawn!

    Comment by CPT S — Thursday, August 7, 2008 @ 9:14 pm | Reply

  3. Do you think that its a coincidence that Ditka coached “The Bears”, I think not.

    Comment by SGT E — Monday, August 11, 2008 @ 9:30 am | Reply


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