It’s easy to think that Bears are only trying to eliminate humans, but let’s face the facts: bears are out for world domination over all animals. They’re just really focused on humans because we’re “top dog” so-to-speak. I suppose dogs are the actual top dogs, since they have the most dog-like features, but you know what I mean.
Bears pretty much have physical dominance over all other land animals, or so they thought. Take a close look at the farms around Hygiene, Colorado, and you might just find a certain cow named Apple that chased a black bear out of her favorite tree. This cow maybe “The One”. We’re not certain until he get the test results back from Morpheus, but this cow does should an extraordinary and innate ability to destroy Bears in the Matrix.
Though Apple maybe a source of newfound hope in the Global War on Bearrrorism, the situation still looks bleak. Also, bears are making steady advances on naval warfare, as documented by wikiality.com. Apparently, bears might be mating with sharks to produce a superbreed of predators, known as the bearshark. Even worse is the potential for a super-superbreed known as the pyro bearshark, which is a flaming version (and I don’t mean a gayer version, I mean literally flaming… with flames).
So bears are already promising to conquer everything from the highest mountains to the deepest depths of Poseidon’s kingdom, but we’ll still have space, right? Well, maybe not. Take a look at this disturbing photograph.
Below: A Bear Astronaut
Clearly bears are ready to challenge man’s dominance in the final frontier.
Now, Minnesota authorities would have you believe that this bear just got its head stuck in a two-and-a-half gallon plastic jug, but that smells like bad hogwash from a mile out. Obviously, this bear was preparing for a full orbit around the earth. Bears are out to eliminate man’s presence even in outer space!
This post will conclude my special feature of Bear Attack Week. Hopefully I have spread the essential knowledge about the dangers bears pose to all of us, and hopefully I’ve helped to save at least one (human) life. Until next year, keep vigilant, and stay the hell out of Alaska.