CHICAGO, Ill. – Patrick Fitzgerald, the US Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, held a press conference today damning President-Elect Obama’s interaction with Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich has come under fire recently for being indicted on charges that he solicited bribes for determining who would fill Obama’s seat in the U.S. Senate, a choice made by the governor. Fitzgerald noted repeatedly that there had been no findings of impropriety by Obama with regard to senate seat scandal. However, in Fitzgerald’s conference today, he raised new findings of other grave charges that specifically linked Obama to the politically toxic governor.
Fitzgerald told the press today that Obama bought stolen goods from Blagojevich, and had reason to believe that the goods may have been stolen. The federal prosecutor outlined the time period of when the two did business. “Our investigative team noted an increase of meetings between Blagojevich and Obama in the spring of 2003, shortly after Mr. Blagojevich took office as governor and when Barrack Obama was still a state senator for Illinois. Our people did not pick up a lot of phone traffic between the two, but we were able to stake them out to see that there were a lot of personal meetings. The two frequently met each other in dark back alleys, most typically between midnight and three a.m., or the ‘wee hours of the morning’, if you will.” Fitzgerald elaborated that the two would park their cars in the alley with the trunks facing each other, and then several items were typically loaded from Blagojevich’s trunk into Obama’s trunk after Obama would hand Blagojevich an envelope.
“Most of the items moved from Blagojevich’s trunk were in unmarked boxes,” said Fitzgerald, “but there was one time in particular that we noted the items were, in fact, tires.” Fitzgerald remarked that phone calls between the two individuals concerning the secretive transactions were few and far between, and became increasingly rare as their relationship progressed. “There were, however, several incriminating phone calls near the beginning of the relationship,” Fitzgerald told the press. The US Attorney played a copy of the damning evidence for the conference.
Blagojevich: “Hey, do you need some speakers?”
Obama: “Speakers, why, uh, why, I, uh, I don’t know.”
Blagojevich: “I got some top quality [bleep]. Real primo stuff, man.”
Obama: “What kind of speakers are they?”
Blagojevich: “[Bleep] what the [bleep] you [bleep] mean what kind of [bleep] speakers are they? They [bleep] play [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]-suckin’ music, mother-[bleep]!”
Obama: “No, I mean, what brand of speakers are they? Like, are they Bose? I could really dig some Bose speakers, Mr. Governor.”
Blagojevich: “Check this [bleep] out man: I can totally hook you up with some Bose speakers, I’m talkin’ like a complete [bleep] surround sound, all around your [bleep] house and up yo’ [bleep] and in your face and all that [bleep].”
Obama: “That sounds nice.”
Blagojevich: “Yeah, man, and I can totally get you hooked up today for four hundred dollars.”
Obama: “That’s a pretty good price. Are you sure you can’t hold them until, uh, um, uh, to-, uh, um, tomorrow?”
Blagojevich: “Mother-[bleep] [bleep], this [bleep] has got to go! [Bleep] this [bleep] is so [bleep] hot that it’ll burn a hole through the sun!”
Obama: “It’s hot? What does that mean?”
Blagojevich: “Stupid [bleep] [bleep], it means I gotta get rid of the [bleep] today!”
Obama: “Oh, I see, like a clearance sale. Well there’s no need for name calling. I’ll take them.”
Blagojevich: “[Bleep] [bleep] [blorp]!”
Fitzgerald also produced a note passed from Blagojevich to Obama, which stated that Blagojevich could “totally hook [Obama] up with” new tires for only forty “Washingtons,” adding that Blagojevich “borrowed the tires from a Goodyear downtown” so Obama should pay him promptly so that Blagojevich could repay the store. Fitzgerald noted that there were no records of Blagojevich or any of his staffers giving any monies to Chicago-area Goodyear retailers in payment for the tires. “And these were probably the tires we surveilled,” Fitzgerald said.
Fitzgerald told the media that the larceny charges would be added to Blagojevich’s already fattened legal case, but said that Obama would probably be left off the hook. “I don’t want to hurt the precious,” Fitzgerald remarked, “even if he is guilty. Plus, there’s evidence that supports [Obama] may have been unaware that the goods were stolen,” Fitzgerald added. “Although, this would insinuate that he is incredibly dense and unfit to lead, so I’ll just assume that he’s guilty, but too handsome to press charges against.”
Fitzgerald told reporters that Blagojevich’s conduct in regards to the larceny charges, “probably wouldn’t make Lincoln roll in his grave, but does put him at risk for Restless Leg Syndrome.”