Potvin Newsly

Friday, January 23, 2009

Report: Losing May Have Saved McCain’s Life

Filed under: Disease,Fake News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 12:58 am

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”

Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”

Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”

John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”

“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”

To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.

Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
Clinton Before & AfterOn the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”

Below: Former President George Walker Bush
Bush Before & AfterOn the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”

Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
John McCain Before & AfterOn the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.

[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. – Author]

[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore’s work, but was created independently. I found Moore’s page while searching for ‘before & after’ photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. – Author]

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Florida Gators Win NCAA Battle of the Bands

Filed under: Fake News,Sports — Jill Hater @ 11:37 pm

MIAMI, Florida – The University of Florida won their second NCAA Battle of the Bands National Championship in three years by defeating Oklahoma in the final competition last Thursday night. Lead guitarist Tim Tebow was largely credited with the accomplishment, as he gave a clutch performance in the second half of his band’s set. Oklahoma’s lead guitarist, Sam Bradford, gave a disappointing performance when the battle was on the line. Bradford was awarded this year’s Hendrix Trophy, an award bestowed upon college music’s best musician as judged by the Downtown Rockabilly Club. Many consider the Hendrix to be college music’s trophy for best guitarist, however, as few percussionists are ever considered for the accolade.

Tebow won the Hendrix just a year ago, and was a finalist for the honor this year. Bradford won it instead, but many on the Florida band felt that Tebow deserved the award more. “It’ pretty obvious now who the number one guitarist in the nation is,” said Gators bass player Percy Harvin. “Tebow, just call him superman,” he added. Harvin, who played with an injured wrist, had a fantastic showing, confusing the Sooners band all night as he syncopated quarter notes in a walking baseline, and routinely switch from 4/4 measure to a 7/4 measure.

Tebow seemed to will his band to victory in their second breakdown, near the fourth stanza. Tebow played a set of rhythmically oriented riffs on open strings, then contrasted them with second interval dissonant chords and pinch harmonics. When their set was almost over, Tebow jumped in the air and threw his pick into the crowd, where it was promptly caught by David Nelson.

Gators band manager Urban Meyer told reporters after the contest, “We’re going to enjoy the national championship. The Gators are number one.” Defeated Oklahoma manager Bob Stoops said, “In the end, I’ll be glad to try again next year. If that’s the biggest burden I have to bear in my life, I’m a pretty lucky guy.”

Many speculate if Tebow or Bradford will return to play lead guitar their senior year. “I can see Bradford leaving early to play professionally,” said ESPN Band Analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.  “I think he’s got what it takes, and a lot of bands out there could use a guitarist that has that kind of pitch recognition.” In regards to Tebow, however, “I really think the kid should stay in school.” Kiper suggested that Tebow would have very limited success at lead guitar professionally, and even added that many bands would rather look at Tebow as a bass player. “If he tries to go in as a lead [guitarist] like Eric Crouch did in 2002, [Tebow] will probably wind up being a backup rhythm guitarist, or even end up as a roadie for a Canadian band.”

Jerry Jones to Buy Arizona Cardinals

Filed under: Fake News,Sports — Jill Hater @ 12:26 am

DALLAS, Texas – Jerry Jones, the much publicized owner of the Dallas Cowboys, revealed in a press conference on Monday that he plans to purchase the Arizona Cardinals before the Super Bowl. Jones says he expects the transaction to be completed before next week.

“I will present unprecedented sums of money to the Bidwells in order to purchase their team, the Super Bowl bound Arizona Cardinals,” Jones said in front of a party of reporters. “Upon the purchase of the Cardinals, they will immediately be known as the Dallas Cowboys. At long last, I have succeeded in bringing the Dallas Cowboys back to football’s biggest game. Everybody look at me!”

When asked what Jones would do with the original, real Dallas Cowboys, Jones stated, “I’ll just send them to play minor league baseball until they’re ready to play in the big leagues again.” One reporter asked Jones what he would do if Cardinals Owner Bill Bidwell refused to sell his team to Jones. “Refuse to sell his team to me?” Jones exclaimed in a confused southern drawl. “I don’t know if you realize who it is you’re talkin’ to, buddy. I am Jerry Jones. Thee Jerry Jones. I’m no more likely to be refused than the King of England.”

Jones was also asked what he would do if the Steelers were to win Super Bowl XLIII. “Well, I’ll still probably have enough money left over to buy them, though I’ll have to give up on my dreams of buying the University of Arkansas and expunging that bastard Jimmy Johnson’s name from the records there.” Jones also noted that such a bold move of acquiring and combining three teams and their histories would make the Dallas Cowboys the first team to beat themselves in four separate Super Bowls.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Eagles Fans: How Dare McNabb Lead This Talentless Team to 3rd Place

Filed under: Fake News,Hate,Rape/Forcible Sodomy,Sports — Jill Hater @ 1:57 pm
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PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.

“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”

Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”

Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”

Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”

Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Congress Seems Unsure About What Happened to $700B

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 2:43 am
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the first session of the 111th United States Congress taking place Tuesday, January 6th amidst the economic fallout besieging many Americans, Congressmen and women have apparently been avoiding questions as to just where the 700 billion dollars from the emergency financing bill have gone. None have given straightforward answers, with a small few refusing to give a response whatsoever.

Robert Byrd, the senior Senator from West Virginia, was asked what happened to the money on Friday, but took his cellphone out of his pocket and told reporters that he had to take an urgent call from his wife. When informed that his wife passed away in March, 2006, Byrd proceeded to walk briskly in the opposite direction without comment.

John Boehner, the Minority Leader in the House of Representatives, was asked if he knew where the money was. He told reporters, “I really have to go to the bathroom, guys.” When Boehner failed to exit the bathroom after about a half an hour, an Associated Press reporter entered the restroom to see if Boehner was okay. The reporter found the facility to be empty, though the window was open with the curtains swaying slightly in the late afternoon breeze.

Reporters nearly gave up after Democrat Byron Dorgan told reporters he had to “get something out of [his] car real quick, and [he’ll] be right back.” The junior Senator from North Dakota then added, “I promise, guys.” Dorgan proceeded to walk to his car, start the ignition, then drive off with reckless abandon, leaning his head out of the driver’s side window while shouting, “So long, suckers!” to the reporters waiting for him on the steps on the Capitol.

Most of the correspondents were about to give up on the story until Republican Lamar Alexander stepped out of the Capitol offering to tell the reporters where the money had gone. “I can tell you guys, but you have to do a big favor for me,” said Alexander. “Do you guys know where I can get $700 billion really, really fast?”