THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”
Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”
Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”
John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”
“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”
To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.
Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
On the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”
Below: Former President George Walker Bush
On the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”
Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
On the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.
[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. – Author]
[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore’s work, but was created independently. I found Moore’s page while searching for ‘before & after’ photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. – Author]