WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the first session of the 111th United States Congress taking place Tuesday, January 6th amidst the economic fallout besieging many Americans, Congressmen and women have apparently been avoiding questions as to just where the 700 billion dollars from the emergency financing bill have gone. None have given straightforward answers, with a small few refusing to give a response whatsoever.
Robert Byrd, the senior Senator from West Virginia, was asked what happened to the money on Friday, but took his cellphone out of his pocket and told reporters that he had to take an urgent call from his wife. When informed that his wife passed away in March, 2006, Byrd proceeded to walk briskly in the opposite direction without comment.
John Boehner, the Minority Leader in the House of Representatives, was asked if he knew where the money was. He told reporters, “I really have to go to the bathroom, guys.” When Boehner failed to exit the bathroom after about a half an hour, an Associated Press reporter entered the restroom to see if Boehner was okay. The reporter found the facility to be empty, though the window was open with the curtains swaying slightly in the late afternoon breeze.
Reporters nearly gave up after Democrat Byron Dorgan told reporters he had to “get something out of [his] car real quick, and [he’ll] be right back.” The junior Senator from North Dakota then added, “I promise, guys.” Dorgan proceeded to walk to his car, start the ignition, then drive off with reckless abandon, leaning his head out of the driver’s side window while shouting, “So long, suckers!” to the reporters waiting for him on the steps on the Capitol.
Most of the correspondents were about to give up on the story until Republican Lamar Alexander stepped out of the Capitol offering to tell the reporters where the money had gone. “I can tell you guys, but you have to do a big favor for me,” said Alexander. “Do you guys know where I can get $700 billion really, really fast?”