PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.
“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”
Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”
Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”
Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”
Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”