DALLAS, Texas – Jerry Jones, the much publicized owner of the Dallas Cowboys, revealed in a press conference on Monday that he plans to purchase the Arizona Cardinals before the Super Bowl. Jones says he expects the transaction to be completed before next week.
“I will present unprecedented sums of money to the Bidwells in order to purchase their team, the Super Bowl bound Arizona Cardinals,” Jones said in front of a party of reporters. “Upon the purchase of the Cardinals, they will immediately be known as the Dallas Cowboys. At long last, I have succeeded in bringing the Dallas Cowboys back to football’s biggest game. Everybody look at me!”
When asked what Jones would do with the original, real Dallas Cowboys, Jones stated, “I’ll just send them to play minor league baseball until they’re ready to play in the big leagues again.” One reporter asked Jones what he would do if Cardinals Owner Bill Bidwell refused to sell his team to Jones. “Refuse to sell his team to me?” Jones exclaimed in a confused southern drawl. “I don’t know if you realize who it is you’re talkin’ to, buddy. I am Jerry Jones. Thee Jerry Jones. I’m no more likely to be refused than the King of England.”
Jones was also asked what he would do if the Steelers were to win Super Bowl XLIII. “Well, I’ll still probably have enough money left over to buy them, though I’ll have to give up on my dreams of buying the University of Arkansas and expunging that bastard Jimmy Johnson’s name from the records there.” Jones also noted that such a bold move of acquiring and combining three teams and their histories would make the Dallas Cowboys the first team to beat themselves in four separate Super Bowls.