Potvin Newsly

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

CDC: Swine Flu Has Mutated into Zombie “Super Virus”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ’28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ‘super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserRichard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The 100th Post Spectacular Extravaganza Divertissement Special

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jill Hater @ 12:36 am

Welcome to the 100th post (not counting pages) on The Potvin Newsly. It only took me well over a year.

Originally, when I started this damn, lovable thing, I was in Kuwait and I had way too much free time on my hands. I made posts regularly.

Then I came back to the United States. Things changed. I was suddenly not so bored and writing to pass the time. Now I had to get myself to write for the sake of writing. It’s tough man – real tough. I am disappointed with myself and how long it took to reach 100 posts. I am trying to vow for 100 posts per year from this point – and that’s not actually hard when you think about it. It’s slightly less than two per week.

Man I suck.

I will now bring you an insider’s look at The Potvin Newsly. First, some stats.

Most Viewed Posts

  1. Chernobyl Goes Record Sixth Day Without Zombie Attack
  2. Bobby “Psycho” Fischer Dead at 64
  3. Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María Jesús González
  4. Bear Survival Kit
  5. Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA
  6. Bear Attack Week: Bear Lethality Index

All of those have over 1,000 views, and How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian is nearly in that group with 981 views at the time of this post being published. This clearly tells me what the readers want: Zombies, Psychos, Serial Killers, and Bears. Without even trying that hard, I’ve established clearly the most brutal blog on the internet. Permission granted to bow to my superiority.

Comments. Comments are always welcome here on The Potvin Newsly, even if they are combative, cordially demeaning, lack capitalization, come from Ireland, are way off topic, or irrelevantly disgusting, are contrived and directionless, lack grammar and punctuation, or are just generally retarded. I’ve only ever denied one comment, and that was because it was about a page and a half long and was about as hard on the Jews as Egypt. The ancient one.

One of my favorite things that has happened, several times, during the course of the first 100 posts, is the response I get from fake news stories. Even though the stories are listed with the tag “Fake News” they still get reported as true by some people. Often times threads are started on faraway websites because of the fake news I post – sometimes in a foreign langue (scary). And some people were very upset (and confused) when they heard that an 11 year old boy was arrested for being an accomplice to murder when his aunt shot and killed a doctor with his spudgun.

So that’s the jist of the cool stuff. See a more candid look at The Potvin Newsly by checking out the 200th Post.