Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine “suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.