Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

World in Chaos as Researchers Discover Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

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3 Comments »

  1. Hmmmm, 5 years earlier. Here they say 200 years later: http://www.2adventuretravel.com/blogs/too-bad-mayan-calendar-predictions-revised-2012-becomes-2220.html

    Comment by Manny — Saturday, October 31, 2009 @ 6:00 am | Reply

  2. Due to the academic honesty we have to correct the author of the article. Two other scientists were fully responsible for the new Mayan chalendar theory: dr. damir Ćavar, and Vladimir Skračić. These well-known linguists found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar. Accordingly they have organized the whole institution to work on the basis of the chaos theory. We are all looking forward to see the results of these two eminenet Croatian linguists.

    Comment by Adria — Tuesday, November 17, 2009 @ 10:33 pm | Reply

  3. More new about these two scholars:
    Another Alien Graveyard Found
    A group of scientists from the University of Zadar have found an extraterrestrial cemetery in Molat, nearby the city of Zadar that is at least 300 years old! “There must be 20 bodies buried there and not a single one of them is human,” Dr. Vladimir Skračić and his colleagues, told reporters in Zadar.
    … The creatures themselves were much taller than humans,” said the expert dr. Vladimir Skračić. “I assume that they communicated with one another telepathically and moved around like bats with some kind of biological radar.”

    Without further study, and financial support of the Ministry and Croatian government there is no way to tell for sure what killed the extraterrestrials. WE also expect to get the money from the EU funds.
    Because they would have had no immunity to Earth disease, he added, something as simple as the swine flu could have wiped out the entire party.
    “Some of them must have survived because there is no evidence of a spaceship to be found,” said Dr. Skračić. Some elements of our tradition is probably based on the knowledge of our uninvited guests. “Of course, as our excavation effort continues, there’s no telling what we may run across.”
    Dr. Skračić and his colleague, dr. Damir Čavar would not take reporters to the site, for fear of the bodies being disturbed. They have invited NATO to sponsor this project. However, he promised to reveal the location once the excavation was complete. “It will change the world,” Dr. Skračić said. They have promised to organize summer seminars at Kornati islands to present their research results . These two scholars, besides their investigation of the Mayan Calendar Converted Incorrectly, and Apocalypse have achieved a great popularity in the local community. It seems that Americana president Barack Obama should invest more money into American education since dr. Čavar left the USA and went back to Croatia.
    Unfortunately we can’t checque their credibility since they have never written any book or article in relevant academic journals.

    Comment by UFOist — Wednesday, November 18, 2009 @ 5:57 pm | Reply


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