ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.
Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.
“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”
“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”
Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”
Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”
Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”