Potvin Newsly

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Stoner Has Difficulty Describing Lost Item

Filed under: Fake News — Jill Hater @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , ,

MINNEAPOLIS — A local stoner had a difficult time describing a lost item to his friends in an unsuccessful bid to find said item.

Jesse Ardennes, 28, who works at a construction company specializing in floor tiles, told his friends that he couldn’t remember when or where he last saw the item, though he was pretty sure it was important.

“We were just hanging out over at his house,” said Ardennes’ friend, Dustin Duetenmeyer, 27. “He was like, ‘Let’s fire up the bong’ and we were like, ‘Okay’ but then he was like, ‘Oh, wait. Wait – wait. I think I lost something.’ ” Ardennes then repeatedly told his friends, “Yeah I definitely lost something.”

“And we were like, ‘What did you lose, man?’ ” said Philip Hoyer, another one of Ardennes’ friends who was at the scene. ” ‘What’d you lose?’ And he just kept saying, ‘Uh, a thing, dude. It was this thing, and uh, I think I lost it. No, no, I definitely lost it.’ ”

Ardennes went on to describe the item has having a certain size that he could not recall, and also a particular shape that he would recognize if he could only see it. “It’s probably around here somewhere. Oh wait, I know where it is,” Ardennes reportedly told his friends while rushing into his bedroom, only to return empty-handed and sullen.

Ardennes was not sure if he had tasted the object or not, though he did remark that it felt like “one of those things that makes your fingers feel like, you know, you’re touching stuff.”

Ardennes also remarked that the missing article was at least one color, but maybe more, as he wasn’t sure. “Fuck, what the fuck are those things called?” Ardennes soured. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

When asked by his friends who Ardennes was referring to, he remarked, “That guy, you know. I think his name is Tom. Or Fred. You know who I’m talking about, right?”

Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.

Duetenmeyer then asked his friend if the item was possibly located in his car, to which Ardennes replied, “Dude, maybe it was my car.” Ardennes reportedly took a “mega-hit” off his bong then stated, “No, wait, it’s not my car. It’s um, it’s uh, one of those things that you can buy from that one place.”

Ardennes is still reportedly searching for the object, aggravating his friends, and forcing Alzheimer’s upon himself.

1 Comment »

  1. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

    “Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.”

    Frame these sentences. Frame them on a wall.

    -Chris Blumen (and the wordpress this leads to is only a back-up.)

    Comment by kasparrowe — Thursday, December 10, 2009 @ 4:06 am | Reply

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