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Saturday, January 23, 2010

BCS Bowls Reviewed

[Author: So what if this post is two weeks late? Big fuck.]

With the 2010 professional college football season coming to a close, it has come time to review the five biggest games of the post season: the BCS bowls.

Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Oregon

This was one of the most anticipated match-ups in the BCS bowls, since these teams were pretty much mirror images of each other. Terrelle Pryor outplayed Jeremiah Masoli, and as the winning quarterback earned the right to deflower the Rose Queen, Natalie Innocenzi. Ohio State faced tremendous pressure to win, having fizzled in most of its recent BCS appearances, and they sure did disappoint the critics. An interesting side note is that Oregon head coach Chip Kelly had defeated Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel in the annual pre-game hot dog eating contest. He is the first to coach to have won the contest but lost the game since Pete Carroll defeated Mack Brown in 2006.

Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati

This game ended up being much closer than expected, as most analysts predicted Florida would score between 150-200 points, with ESPN’s Jesse Palmer predicting a final score of googol to (-54). Florida eventually won by a final score of 51 to who gives a shit. Florida coach Urban Meyer suffered zero heart attacks during the game, much to the dismay of Cincinnati fans who were hoping that their opponents would also have to play without their head coach. Meyer told reporters after the game that his health concerns, combined with Tim Tebow leaving, may force him into a quasi-retirement. “Or I might just quit and get a job as the offensive coordinator for whatever NFL team drafts Timmy,” Meyers said. “Best head ever.”

Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. Texas Christian

TCU (Texas Christian) had a rare opportunity for itself and for all teams from non-BCS conferences in making it to a BCS game. However, it failed to convert that opportunity into success and it made all teams from the lesser conferences look foolish for even trying. Sure, with a final score of 17-10, it was a close game, but the fact is that they lost. Now pundits who think that non-BCS teams shouldn’t participate in the BCS bowls at all need only point to this game and say “Why do we even let these teams in if they can’t win the big ones?” Now teams like Bowling Green, SMU, and Boise State may never get a shot at another BCS game again, let alone the National Championship Game. Still, hats off to the Broncos, who should stop fucking crying every single year and just join the Pac 10 already.

Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!1!!one!!1 GO HAWKS!!!!!1! YEAH BABY! IN HEAVEN THERE IS NO BEER// THAT’S WHY WE DRINK IT HERE// AND WHEN WE’RE ALL GONE FROM HERE// OUR FRIENDS WILL BE DRINKING ALL OUR BEER!!! BOOM! SUCK IT TECH!

Ahem. Now would probably be a good time to confess that I am a slight fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes footballing club. This was a good game. Actually, it was a great game. Pretty much the best game out of all the BCS games, because of, um, its competitiveness. GO STANZI! WOO! CLAYBORN BRINGIN’ DOWN DA HOUSE! BOOM! SUCK IT TECH!

Moving on…

The National Championship Game

How lame was it that Colt McCoy got hurt on the fifth play and didn’t return? So lame that Texas made it a game (trailing 24-21 in the fourth quarter) with their true freshman Garrett Gilbert. Nowadays Colt McCoy just sits in his dorm room listening to Little Texas’ hit single What Might Have Been play on loop on his iPod, which he may or may not have accepted as an illegal gift from an athletic booster. But the point is, his roommate, star receiver Jordan Shipley, has been planning a big St. Valentine’s Day surprise for Colt to hopefully lift his spirits, and sources close to the two say Shipley might pop the question, so shhhhh! keep it on the down-low.

Ummm, and Alabama won. So what?

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