Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How to: Make a ‘Recession Proof’ Résumé

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résumé for real.

  1. Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.
  2. Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.
  3. Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.
  4. Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.
  5. Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

WizardLucrative careers like this are just waiting to be snatched up.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Sloth

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear Sloth
Could also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then – and this is the terrifying part – multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30” be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the Bears

The inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.

A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Fight for the Platypi

The mighty platypus; We all know about this creature, or at least know of it. It is often referred to as the duckbilled platypus, but this is more cumbersome of a term than simply platypus. Also, it’s stupid, because no other forms of the platypus exist. It’d be different if there was also a mandibled platypus in addition to the duckbilled one. Then I could see somebody using the mouth-shape as a characteristic of identification. But really, it’s fucking pointless to say “duckbilled platypus”. Do you say “duckbilled duck?” No, you will always say “Darkwing Duck.” Eat shit, Daffy.

I have always considered platypi to be the plural form of platypus. Recently, it has come to my attention that this may not necessarily be true. Indeed, as I typed it two sentences prior, my word processor underlined it as a misspell, indicating that it may very well not be a word. Is this the case?

I certainly hope not. In addition to platypus, there exist other words that I change from “-us” to “-i” to indicate plurality, namely cactus and octopus. Fuck yeah; we all know (or should know, less you be ignorant or stupid) that cacti means “more than one cactus” and that octopi means “more than one octopus”.

The process of pluralizing nouns is something I find quite interesting (in relation to how boring the rest of the shit in English class was). Adding to this is my pretty high self-regard when it comes to using words correctly. I have chastised people in the past for misuse of words, and likewise, my pride is dealt considerable blows when I find myself in error, or it is identified as such by one of my peers. But no worries here, I am nearly dead certain on how to pluralize all three of the words in question.

Once upon a time, there was a man, who in dealing with me, somehow entered upon a conversation concerning cacti. This man was quite confused, and considered cacti to be singular and cactus to be plural. I could only think two things: 1) He must be thinking cactus is plural because it ends with an “s”, or 2) He must be a fucking dumbass. #2 was definitely the case, but it may have been in combination with numero uno.

Thinking quickly to fix his error without much embarrassment, I went into damage control. “Surely he must know that octopus is singular; It is far too common to be misunderstood in such a manner.” I presented this to him. “Well, sir, I mean, octopus means just one octopus, whereas octopi means more than one octopus.” Without hesitation, he disagreed. Now I was confused, flustered, and angry. Above that, I was frustrated. This was no mere mortal man (by army standards), he was a hero, a legend to behold indeed. He was, in fact, a Lieutenant Colonel.

Fuck. How much can I stomach? Normally this would be the time I would castrate his ego and leave him staring back at his own naked ignorance. But I am a dog in the army, and, as such, a dog will not bite a man, nay, an outstanding man, without repercussion. Negative repercussion.

Did I stand up for my mores? Did I swallow my pride? Find out next week on “This Is One of the Many Reasons I Hate the Army.”

And we’re back. On last week’s episode we learned that Lieutenant Colonels can be illiterate English-butchering fuckwads. And now, the exciting conclusion.

Yeah, I just fucking agreed with that guy. I stand by my decision. He wouldn’t have gotten anything from it anyway, and my life is probably more comfortable now because of it. If I felt like I could’ve made a difference or positive impact… Fuck, I probably still would’ve agreed with the dumbass. Is that bad? Maybe. At this point, in this place, sometimes staying under the radar is just the way to go. And right now, right here, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll wait until I move on.

Back to plurality. Like I said, I wanted to destroy this guy for mangling word identification, but uh, was I actually wrong the entire time?

I was doing nothing one night not too long ago, and hence I was searching Wikipedia quite randomly. I came upon an article concerning echidnas. Now, if you don’t know, echidnas are one of the most primitive mammals, and they lay eggs. One of the only other mammals that lays eggs is the platypus. So, obviously, I hit up the platypus article next.

Now I’m thinking about how the platypus is just weird as fuck. But, I love the word platypi, because it’s one of my favorite ways to pluralize words. It just sounds cool, okay? Wikipedia thought otherwise, however.

As it turns out, there is no universally accepted word for “more than one platypus”. Scientists generally use platypuses or just simply platypus to indicate more than one. Wow, I am the fucktard. Oh, wait, hold on just a second. I continue to read, and the article does indeed mention “platypi”. Good, it’s going to agree with me. Reading, reading, reading… Hmmm. Says here that platypi is actually a colloquial term, and is technically Dog Latin. In case you are unfamiliar with the term Dog Latin, let me explain. It is the degradation of genuinely Latin words that are borrowed into English; Fucked up in English by trying to modify them. In other words, it’s like Engrish, except we’re the dumb ones. Or, maybe just me, since I thought it was correct all this time.

Well, remember what I said about dealing a substantial blow to my pride factor? Mang, that shit was tough to read. I have to know if this is the case for my other two pet words.

Let’s break from animals and head for cactus. Yes! Cacti is the most common way to pluralize cactus. Fucking score. In addition to this, it is the grammatically correct way to go about business when following the rules of Botanical Latin. Grammar points, bitches. Disappointment accompanies my joy, however. In following Greek grammar rules, we discover that cactuses and cactoi are the correct terms. Fuck the Greeks. Cactoi does sound pretty cool, but it does not reflect well upon my argument. Cactuses is generally accepted, however, and so is just plain cactus. Man, fuck that. Cacti is the word I will use, and if you don’t use that word, then you will be labeled as a Greek asshole. Is that what you want? Byzantine, fuck thyself.

Okay, I consider the cactus/cacti battle to be won in my favor. A similar result with octopus will leave me at a respectable 2-1, whereas defeat will leave 1-2, and quite shamed.

To quote Wikipedia, “There are three forms of the plural of octopus; namely, octopuses, octopi, and octopodes. Currently, octopuses is the most common form in the UK as well as the US; octopodes is rare, and octopi is often objected to.”

What the fuck? Okay, so octopuses is the most common? That is SHIT! That is a stupid word. If and when I ever hear somebody utter that word, I will… Fuck, I do not know what I will do. Apparently it is correct, but it sounds so wrong. Like the “c-word”. I refuse to use it, and when people say it, I feel quite disturbed at my core. When people say octopuses? Same thing.

Tiny victories, me, tiny victories. Alright, it says octopi is in a secure second place, as octopodes is rarely used. However, I think that octopodes is probably more common that octopuses, but whatever. What is truly bothersome is that octopi is objected to; Incredible.

As it turns out, this may be just. To again quote Wikifuckia, “Octopi derives from the mistaken assumption that octōpūs is a second declension Latin noun, which it is not.” Oh shit, I always make that mistake. It’s so easy to get second declension nouns mixed up with first declension nouns, just as in English it’s easy to mistake the hesternal preterit past tense for the prehodiernal absolute-relative past tense. Typical rookie fuck up; my bad.

Technically, the word is Latinized Greek, not Latin. <sarcasm> Whoops. </sarcasm>  It is interesting to find, however, that if it were a Latin word, the plural form of octopus would actually be octopedes, much like milipedes or centipedes. Nice.

So, really what is this all about? Am I a pedant? Couldn’t be, I don’t even know what the word means. And that’s the true lesson here: You can’t truly be pedantic if you‘re unfamiliar with the term. Cacti, octopi, and platypi, now and forever