Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

CDC: Swine Flu Has Mutated into Zombie “Super Virus”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ’28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ‘super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserRichard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Report: Losing May Have Saved McCain’s Life

Filed under: Disease,Fake News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 12:58 am

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – A recently published report suggests that John McCain may have done well in losing the presidency, at least in terms of health. The report, authored by Dr. Michael Roizen, indicates that U.S. presidents age at least twice as quickly as average citizens. “For every one year you live, the president lives two. Also, the president’s dog will age approximately 14 years for every 1 ‘human year’, if you will.”

Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, points to past presidents for evidence of this theory. “If you just look at Clinton and Bush, you’ll see that they have both aged well over eight years a piece during their tenures as president. The chronic stress and daily rigors of the presidency are what produce these fascinating, deadly results.”

Roizen pointed out that Barrack Obama, aged 47, “should be ok” because he’s fairly young for a president. “Even an eight year term would only make Obama approximately 63 by my standards, which would still typically require him to work full time for at least two more years before he could collect social security payments and then be forced to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart to make ends meet.”

John McCain could have been a very different story though, says Roizen. “John McCain is already nearly 72 and a half years old, well above the world average of life expectancy for males at 63.9, and drawing near on the U.S. average for males at 75.2,” quoth Roizen. “This means that if [McCain] had been elected, we could have reasonably expected him to ‘pass on’ or ‘die’ after about 1.4 years in office.”

“Even still,” added Roizen, “McCain sure looks older than 72 to me, so really he should be dead already. His advanced age is probably due to his time in prisoner-of-war camps, being relentlessly tortured, and from serving as a U.S. Senator, both of which drastically reduce your life expectancy.” But still yet, John McCain lives. “He is a hardy old bastard, which makes me think he might never die. Instead,” adds Roizen, “a ‘President’ John McCain would have likely been reduced to a ‘living corpse’, perhaps known for cackling wildly or wisecracking by using intentionally hackneyed puns such as ‘Hello, boils and ghouls!’ He may have even ended up on television hosting a horror anthology series, possibly on HBO.”

To further credit his theories, Roizen presented several photos demonstrating the aging process on former presidents. Added to the imagery is a recent picture of Senator John McCain, followed by a computer generated graphic of what a “President McCain” could look like after an eight year term.

Below: Former President William Jefferson Clinton
Clinton Before & AfterOn the left is Bill Clinton in 1992, just before taking office. On the right is a picture of Bill Clinton during his farewell address to the nation, after eight years of presidency. As Dr. Roizen notes, “What is seen here is clearly 16, perhaps even 16.05 years of aging.”

Below: Former President George Walker Bush
Bush Before & AfterOn the left is George Bush in 2000, while still the Governor of Texas, shortly before becoming the 43rd President of the United States. On the right is a picture of the president during his final press conference. “If you add a lab coat, a pair of rubber gloves, and some kooky goggles,” Roizen explains, “the current George Bush would look remarkably similar to a mad scientist.”

Below: John McCain – What Might Have Been
John McCain Before & AfterOn the left is a recent photograph of Senator John McCain, taken in late 2008. On the right is a computer generated image of what John McCain could look like after eights years as a sitting president. “The results of the computer imaging processes fall strongly in line with my own predictions,” states Roizen.

[Many thanks to Lewis, who created the final photograph for my use. – Author]

[I encourage readers to visit a similarly themed page by Phillip Moore by clicking here. This post is in no way derived from Mr. Moore’s work, but was created independently. I found Moore’s page while searching for ‘before & after’ photos of Clinton and Bush. Props to him for thinking of it first and making good use of it. – Author]

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

November: A Month for Stupid Holidays

On November 4th, when the election was called in Obama’s favor, I experienced joyous exuberance, realizing the political campaign season was over. But that was removed on Wednesday morning when I awake to see Christmas decorations on a light pole. Without realizing it, we’d all crossed over into the dreaded holiday season.

Every year I say the same thing: “I don’t think I can make it through another holiday season.” But, ever year there’s also plenty of alcohol abound. It starts with drinking for fun on Halloween, which makes the passing out of candy to tiny ghouls all the more enjoyable. Then its merits turn strictly social by Veteran’s Day, and the drinks pile upon me in isolation by Thanksgiving, giving way to my fear and loathing of the shamelessly capitalist Christmas Spirit. And, for the entire month of December, alcohol is my dear friend and crutch, a dependency churning my insides into a flammable mush concoction and relieving my liver of its duties as it turns to scar tissue. But then it’s all over on December 26th. That calls for celebration, and sobriety has no part in that. The week following Christmas is spent in a drunken haze, and as the calendar turns over, nobody can easily point out that I am the saddest drunk of them all. January 2nd arrives in time for me to check myself into detox just before expiring.

And for what? The never-ending parade of Christmas carols, the malls packed full of sickly children, and the muddy, wet and invariably cold slush falling onto my doorstep? Even all of these are tolerable with the right drinks in hand. But, as of late, the holiday season has been getting crammed with stupid holidays. It seems the masterminds behind all of this have been sneaking in these undeserving days while we’re all distracted by elections and carols and suicides. Here I will cover November’s stupid holidays (I might just save December’s for another day… perhaps sometime in December).

  • First, November’s month long observances. November is International Drum Month, National Epilepsy Month (An entire month dedicated to promoting epilepsy? Wrong on two levels!), National Model Railroad Month, and Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month. Let those sink in and try to think of a fun way to celebrate all of them at the same time.
  • November 1st – November 1st is All Saints’ Day, sometimes referred to as All Hallows’ Day (from which Halloween gains its name). Celebrate It: Build yourself a bonfire and pray to the patron saint of saints. Alternatively, go to work and act like you don’t know about this day. The 1st is also National Authors’ Day. Celebrate It: Become a national bestselling author and brag to your friends about how today is for you. And lastly, National Family Literacy Day falls on the first. Celebrate It: Teach your family how to read, or drink heavily.
  • November 2ndNational Deviled Egg Day. Celebrate It: Make deviled eggs and eat them until you throw up.
  • November 3rd – Today is John Montague’s birthday, and he “invented” the sandwich. The day’s not named after him, but rather is called simply Sandwich Day. Celebrate It: Make your favorite sandwich, poison it, and leave it on a sidewalk somewhere.
  • November 4thNational Candy Day hits America, giving you just enough time to recover from your sugar coma suffered on Halloween. Celebrate It: Instead of ingesting your candy orally, like on this holiday’s more well-known sister day, Halloween, ingest your favorite goodies rectally. What fun!
  • November 5thNational Donut Day keeps you from letting your blood sugar levels return to normal yet again. Celebrate It: Dress up like a police officer, head to your local donut shop to buy the famed treats, then use the delicious pastries to lure local neighborhood children into your “squad car.” Also, the 5th is Guy Fawkes Day, also known as Bonfire Night, which celebrates tyranny ruling supreme over upstart rebellions. Celebrate It: Make a giant bonfire in the middle of your street, and light off a bunch of fireworks. Add alcohol as necessary.
  • November 6thBasketball Day marks a day dedicated to athleticism and fitness in a sea of days designated for unhealthy eating habits. Celebrate It: Play basketball on your Xbox or Playstation while eating fast food and drinking lots of soda to stay hydrated.
  • November 7th – Despite protests from sane people, Hug-a-Bear Day continues to be celebrated annually. Originally dreamt up by a five-year-old preschooler in upstate New York, be warned that this exciting day could be hazardous to your health. Celebrate It: Head to Yellowstone National Park or Alaska and, well, try to hug a bear. Help yourself by wearing a jacket made of marshmallows and/or slacks of calves’ liver. Don’t forget, the 8th is also Magazine Day. Celebrate It: Switch things up by reading toilet paper and wiping your ass with a magazine!
  • November 8thX-Ray Day marks the discovery of the x-ray some years back. Celebrate It: Regardless of your health, head to your local emergency room and request a full-body x-ray. Then steal the copies when no ones looking. Alternatively, try to make your own x-ray machine!
  • November 9thParade Day is a day for celebrating parades by not having one. Celebrate It: Watch the History Channel’s special presentation, Famous Parades, made specifically for the great day of November 9th.
  • November 11thVeteran’s Day marks the end of the First World War. Celebrate It: Usually some department stores have a special half-off sale or something of the like, to help us remember our veterans and the sacrifices they’ve made. 25% off a Kashmir cardigan? That’s what I call Bataan Death March Savings!
  • November 12thElizabeth Cady Stanton Day, named after Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who was a women’s rights activist, I think, maybe. Celebrate It: Force your wife to bake a cake and apologize for voting, to help her remember what is was like in the before time.
  • November 13thMom’s and Dad’s Day, a day somehow different from both Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Celebrate It: Don’t, it’s redundant.
  • November 14thNational Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day turns a chore into a reason to have a national holiday. Celebrate It: Take this opportunity to understand that even though you should clean out your fridge more like once a month, making a national holiday for the act insinuates that you only have to do it once a year.
  • November 15thAmerica Recycles Day again turns a chore into a day of celebrating a chore. Celebrate It: Recycle, but to make it special, only recycle on this day that occurs once a year. The 15th hosts another holiday, Pack Your Mom Lunch Day. Celebrate It: Don’t pack lunch for your mom, instead, pack your mom for lunch. Yummy!
  • November 16thButton Day occurs annually on this day. Celebrate It: Realize that even buttons have a day and you don’t.
  • November 17thHomemade Bread Day gives you an excuse to buy a bread maker that you will almost certainly never use and mostly just wastes space on your counter top. Celebrate It: Splurge by buying a really fancy loaf of bread at the store, then putting it in the microwave to make it warm and pretend that you made it yourself. Also, Young Reader’s Day and Take a Hike Day occur on the 17th. Celebrate Them: Force your children to hike alone through a perilous mountain-side trail whilst reading Thomas Pynchon’s classic, Gravity’s Rainbow. And they don’t get to come home until they’re done with both.
  • November 18thWilliam Tell Day marks the anniversary of when William Tell shot an apple of his son’s head in 1315. Celebrate It: Do something markedly stupid and irresponsible, then defend yourself by proclaiming “It’s William Tell Day, and like Mr. Tell, I am standing up against tyranny and the contrived, meaningless laws set forth by the oligarchy and enforced by mindless brutes.” Then, probably, go to jail.
  • November 20th – Here it is, Mexican Revolution Day, clearly marking something important in Mexico’s history. Celebrate It: Remind any Mexican friends you might have that today is Mexican Revolution Day, not Mexican Independence Day. Then ask them politely to pay homage.
  • November 21stWorld Hello Day. Celebrate It: Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, like listening to a Barack Obama speech.
  • November 22ndStop the Violence Day. Celebrate It: Try to elicit violent behavior from everyone you have contact with all day, then tell them to stop the violence.
  • November 23rdNational Cashew Day for all you nut lovers out there. Celebrate It: See how many cashews you can feed to your dog before you have to take him to the vet.
  • November 26th National Cake Day, but be warned, cheesecake isn’t really a cake. Celebrate It: If you don’t have diabetes yet, then that should be your goal by day’s end.
  • November 27thPins and Needles Day. Celebrate It: Try to make your arm or leg fall asleep, then stab it with pins and needles as feeling returns. Also, this day happens to be Thanksgiving Day, which is a rather obscure holiday that I’m not sure how to celebrate. Probably has something to do with bestiality, though.
  • November 30thStay at Home Because You’re Well Day is a day dedicated to flagrant honesty and laziness. Celebrate It: Call into work and say “I’m not coming in today because I’m not feeling sick,” then hang up the phone without waiting for a response. Your boss(es) should already know about this day anyway. Word of warning, however: if you are sick, you will be expected to not only work your shift, but to cover for everyone else who wasn’t able to make it in this day.

So that’s it, there’s only about two legitimate holidays in the whole of these listed here. Keep in mind that with all the days dedicated to eating lots of food, November is the perfect month to pick up bulimia nervosa.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Zombie Bear

When one thinks of the greatest threats to humanity, often it is humanity itself that tops the list. Then one thinks of zombies and realizes that, though derived from humans, zombies really have no trace of humanity left in their rotting flesh corpses as they mindlessly march us toward our (and ironically their) extinction. Then one thinks of how a zombie bear would obviously be much more dangerous than a zombie human. Thus one finds mankind’s worst enemy: The Zombie Bear.

Much like a human zombie, a zombie bear will track down and attempt to eat any living animal it can; especially its brains. But regular bears, being animals as they are, have a natural “anti-zombie instinct” that allows them to detect when zombie “life” forms are present. Just like when a dog starts barking at a zombie because it realizes the impending doom that is certain to engulf the whole of the animal kingdom. So most bears will naturally avoid zombies of any type (especially of the bear variety) and head north, where it is safer due to the cold, harsh climate and those shifty Canadians. Bear numbers will fall, but ultimately they will not face extinction; only man, and the livestock and grains that owe their dependency to us, face this certain peril.

Zombie bears will attack people for the same reason zombie humans do: humans are the easiest thing to track down and eat. Also, humans have the tastiest brains, and can be found in great numbers pretty much anywhere around the world, especially China. Our only hope relies on two conditions:

  1. There will not be many zombie bears to terrorize us. If there are too many for us to properly respond to, they will likely force humanity to live in a system of underground caves, where we will subside for several millennia, until the posh, luxury laden class of sub-humans arise and live upon the bounty of a rejuvenated earth, only to be harvested at night and eaten by the hideous Morlocks still residing beneath the surface.
  2. The zombie virus that infects bears does not jump from species to species; i.e. zombie bears do not make zombie humans upon biting humans.

As I said before, normal bears will likely be able to avoid the dreaded zombie bear and properly expel it from their community by dumping it upon ours. So, with condition one being met, we only need to hope that the zombie bear virus is not adapted to interspecies infection. Luckily, for us, there is evidence appearing that it isn’t.

August 25th, 2005; John Otter was hiking with his daughter, Jenna, in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then a bear appeared. I smell trouble. The bear attack John, who valiantly defended his daughter from da bear. The bear gave John some serious injuries: five major bites over his body, a broken eye socket, three broken ribs, and five broken vertebrae. But perhaps most disturbing is that the bear ripped off his scalp, exposing his skull. Otter said he tried to protect his head, but remarked “I could feel the tooth going in.” Obviously this bear was a zombie that not only tried to devour Otter’s flesh, but also his delicious brains. It is unknown as to why the bear did not finish off John Otter, though many speculate that there are high concentrations of silver and naturally occurring Holy Water in the area, perhaps “spooking” the zombie bear, if such a thing can be done. Luckily for civilization, John Otter did not become a zombie himself and devour his family, converting them into the first recruits of an undefeatable Army of the (Un)Dead. In fact, as far as you know, he made a full recovery (in Area 51).

Need more proof that there are zombie bears but in fact that the zombie bear virus is not transmittable to humans? Cite example dos:

Brent Case, a 53 year old outdoorsman from Vancouver Island, Canada, was a victim in what many people think is a classic zombie bear attack. Case said he saw a 900 pound grizzly bear coming at him aggressively (as if bears know any other way to approach people), and dropped to the ground to play dead. But that didn’t stop this zombie bear from ripping into the un-undead Case.

First the bear grabbed one of Case’s arms and tore into it, obviously to satisfy its desire for living blood and flesh. Then the bear bit into his head, leaving his scalp in bloody flaps and putting gaping wounds into his skull. As Case recounts the terrifying incident, “[I thought] ‘He’s eating my brains. I know it, I can feel it. I hope he gets over it soon.’ I was hurting so bad…” And what kind of bears eat brains? ZOMBIE BEARS – exactly!

Case did, in spite of logic, survive the incident and did not succumb to the zombie virus. He even made an appearance on the Today show after the incident, and made no remarks of wanting to eat Meredith Vieira’s brains. The bear was found and shot, though the body “mysteriously” disappeared without explanation. Is it just me or is the government getting lazier and lazier with its cover-ups?

So there you have it people, zombie bears: worse than Lex Luther, the Black Plague, and Communists all put together.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Chernobyl Goes Record 6th Day Without Zombie Attack

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – Recent press releases from the Ukrainian government on today reported that that Chernobyl and Prypiat have gone nearly a week without a recorded zombie incident. If these reports hold true, it would be the longest such period of peace since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster took place in 1986.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, (named World’s Hottest Prime Minister by Maxim Magazine [Author’s note – not true, but should be be]), confirmed the reports in an address to the press. “Our zombie-proofing measures in the Zone of Alienation have been paying off, and we are clearly gaining an advantage against our enemies, the undead.” Tymoshenko continued, saying “We will not rest until the body of every zombie in Prypiat and Chernobyl have gone up in flames.”

Below: Ukrainian Prime
Minister Yulia Tymoshenko
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister
Total PMILF!!!

Zombies have rarely been able to get beyond the perimeter fence of the Zone of Alienation due to their poor motor skills. But the zombie population inside the zone is fed by a constant flow of unemployed looters who illegally enter the zone to plunder its many unoccupied residences. Many of these looters find themselves trapped by a mob of the undead and become one themselves. However, due to a recent crackdown by the Ukrainian military as ordered by the government, the ghouls walk about in far fewer numbers, and no zombie related incidents have been reported since last Saturday.

“This has been a long time coming,” further commented Tymoshenko. “We must remain vigilant and we can rid Chernobyl of its post-apocalyptic zombie ridden madness. Once we do, it will just be normal post-apocalyptic madness.”

Below: Yulia Tymoshenko Again, Just
in Case You Forgot About the First Picture
Yulia Tymoshenko - Ukraine’s Prime Minister on a Motorcycle
What’s up, baby? You can ride my bike anytime as
long as you let me dictate your foreign policy ;-)

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Involuntary Absence

Last week, I failed to commit to ‘blogging’ regularly.  It wasn’t because I didn’t have ideas of what to write on, mind you.  Oh, I have some ideas.  Plenty of ideas.  Don’t believe me?  That’s too bad, because I, uh, I have lots of ideas of what to write about.  Dragons and such.  Try and do better, motherfucker.

Mostly, though, I have been so strung up by work that I truly haven’t had the free time entirely necessary to work on web logs.  Sure, I could have made some half-assed posts here and there, but I’m committed to excellence, damnit.

Sure, I wanted to make post-St. Valentine’s Day posts, or remark about Kosovo, or even talk about dragons, but if I do that, I’m going to at least spend 30 minutes on it.  Would you rather have me write up some shitty post in just five or ten minutes?  You got it pal: today.  But this is it.

It’s not like I didn’t have 30 minutes or even and hour or two of free time during the past week – I had that.  It’s just that, you know, I used that time to watch Mr. Show, and I just got back into Prison Break.  Recently I started watching the third season after neglecting it for so long.  I’m glad I did that.

Sure, I could’ve posted something instead of watching Prison Break, but what the fuck do I get out of it?  Damaged retinas, carpal tunnel syndrome, and vesicointestinal fistula; that’s what I fucking get.  What would you choose?  The answer is obvious.

Of course, I will try to print more fake news stories and other musings when possible.  This coming week will likely be busier than the last, but my ambitions are high.  Well, I gotta piss, so, whatever.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Nazis Nearly Perfected Zombies

Exciting news! A disturbing discovery by renowned authors of the WWII subject matter lead them on a chase through history culminating in what is expected to be a groundbreaking book. Mark Walker teamed up with German author Michael Schaaf to write Hitler, Zombich, und die Häagan-Dazs, a book describing the efforts of Nazi scientist to perfect zombies, which were to be launched en masse against allied forces in Europe.

I will give you a thorough overview of the book. It may be lengthy, but it is obviously much shorter, and hopefully inspires you to get the full story from the authors. They spoke of how initially the zombification project was headed by two teams, one military and one civilian. The ghoul research effort most widely discussed was that of the Kaiser Wilhelm Institute, led by the physicist Werner Heisenberg. The second was a Heereswaffenamt military team under the scientific leadership of Professor Kurt Diebner. Diebner also had some interaction with Heisenberg on zombie virus design during the war, but the projects which they led were quite separate.

All German zombie research was originally funded through the Reichspost (German Post Office), under the Reich Research Council; however, in 1942, armaments minister Albert Speer reorganized zombie research and switched all funding to only support development of human zombies.

Dr. Groth and Dr. Paul Harteck were dismayed at the loss of funding for military use of zombies for weapons. Harteck in particular had worked with Dr. Fritz Houtermans on the problem of active braincell reanimation (from a corpse). These men were keenly aware of the Austrian scientist Prof. Josef Schintlmeister, who proposed in 1940 for the construction of a zombie free range ranch and aquarium.

Groth and Harteck led a team of biologists and chemists in 1942 to persuade Hermann Goering and Martin Bormann to fund an alternate zombie project to Heisenberg’s.

Dr. Paul Harteck, chief zombiologist of the German army, had helped to develop the zombie virus invented by Dr. Erich Bagge, in 1942 at Kiel. The virus was also known as a synapse sluice. It has since come to be known as the “Harteck Virus”.

Harteck initially led a team at Hamburg attempting to create a zombie operated U-boat. After the bombing of Hamburg in July 1943, the Kriegsmarine shifted its undead project to Stettin under admirals Karl Witzell and Otto Rhein. Zombie expert Dr. Otto Haxel took over scientific leadership of the Oberkommando der Marine ghoul project. In April 1944 Harteck was responsible for gaining Nazi funding for industrial scale zombification of Jews. Orders were placed with BMAG Meguin for production of Jew and gypsy corpses.

Undead ore was sourced from western Czechoslovakia at Jachymov, then known as Joachimsthal. It was refined by Auergesellschaft at Oranienburg north of Berlin.

According to Walker and Schaaf, controversy could abound the Nazi development of zombies. This controversy places huge reliance upon Heisenberg’s inability to identify the average cross section of braincell release during reanimation. At the presentation given by Harteck to Nazi leaders in 1942, however, it was correctly identified that one only needed a zombie brain “the size of a pineapple.”

The authors also added that the intentions of Heisenberg’s team will be a matter of historical controversy, centering on whether or not the scientists involved were genuinely attempting to build an undead army for Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, or were trying to hinder development of zombies. Heisenberg’s project was not a military success by any measure.

In efforts with Dr. Robert Döpel at Leipzig in May 1942, a chimpanzee reanimation had been sustained by using two live brains of dead, infected chimpanzees separated by heavy water. However, Heisenberg failed to provide any means for controlling the reanimation. It quickly resulted in a runaway outbreak which ended with a devoured team of esteemed scientists.

A heavy water zombie test reactor was built in a cave in Haigerloch. This reactor never reached critical condition, because the amount of braincell reanimation was never sufficient. Its approach was different from the earlier experiment and used cubes of brains suspended by chains.

Simply fascinating. We already knew the evil Nazis were working on an atomic bomb, but zombies too? Damn, they’re like, ultra-mega fucking evil, as if the holocaust wasn’t enough. Good going, Germany.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Tuberculosis Under the Christmas Tree

Filed under: Disease,Holidays,News — Jill Hater @ 2:43 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Another article posting; This one was special because it concerned patients escaping from a hospital that was not a mental institution or a secret prison disguised as a hospital.

To quote the articles’ headlines (which are here and here), “49 Highly Infectious Tuberculosis Patients Escape From South African Isolation Unit,” and “23 Escaped TB Patients Remain at Large.” I must credit the newsfolk: They know how to grab my attention with their headlines.

According to the articles, there is something of an isolated building that does nothing but house people with extremely brutal tuberculosis. This building is surrounded by a metal fence, and the patients somehow cut gaps in the fence to escape. The impressive thing is that 49 patients did not escape together, but rather 49 people in all escaped between Wednesday and Friday. So, for three days, somebody at the hospital was definitely not doing their fucking job. This disease is scary enough for you to resort to building a mini-prison on your hospital lot, but not scary enough for you to conduct an at least once daily headcount of the patients. Bravo, South African hospitals.

Apparently, these patients escaped from the hospital (I can’t stress those words enough) to go see their families for the holidays. If that sounds insane to you, then maybe you should’ve been infected with tuberculosis, not them (you wouldn’t escape, right?).

I can see the holiday festivities now.

Stephen: Merry Christmas, mom!
Stephen’s Mom: Stephen! Oh what a great surprise! (Hugs her son and kisses him on the cheek.) I thought they weren’t going to let you out of the hospital…?
Stephen: Oh, they weren’t! I had to escape from the isolation unit they were keeping me in!
Stephen’s Mom: Isolation uni-
Stephen: Yeah! They didn’t want us to leave because of our highly infectious extremely multi-drug resistant incurable tuberculosis infections!
Stephen’s Mom: (Shocked silence)
Stephen: Where’s the gingerbread cookies? Mom? Hell-o?

So far, 23 of the crazies are “still at large,” a term I might have considered using if they were horse thieves or bank robbers. Now the South African authorities are threatening to use door-to-door searches to find them. Why waste time? Go to their families’ houses, dumbasses. On top of that, what policeman is going to want to arrest somebody in that condition? You might as well try to get them to subdue someone who has an airborne-contagious HIV infection. Fuck.

Have a deadly New Year. Tuberculosis.