Potvin Newsly

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

November: A Month for Stupid Holidays

On November 4th, when the election was called in Obama’s favor, I experienced joyous exuberance, realizing the political campaign season was over. But that was removed on Wednesday morning when I awake to see Christmas decorations on a light pole. Without realizing it, we’d all crossed over into the dreaded holiday season.

Every year I say the same thing: “I don’t think I can make it through another holiday season.” But, ever year there’s also plenty of alcohol abound. It starts with drinking for fun on Halloween, which makes the passing out of candy to tiny ghouls all the more enjoyable. Then its merits turn strictly social by Veteran’s Day, and the drinks pile upon me in isolation by Thanksgiving, giving way to my fear and loathing of the shamelessly capitalist Christmas Spirit. And, for the entire month of December, alcohol is my dear friend and crutch, a dependency churning my insides into a flammable mush concoction and relieving my liver of its duties as it turns to scar tissue. But then it’s all over on December 26th. That calls for celebration, and sobriety has no part in that. The week following Christmas is spent in a drunken haze, and as the calendar turns over, nobody can easily point out that I am the saddest drunk of them all. January 2nd arrives in time for me to check myself into detox just before expiring.

And for what? The never-ending parade of Christmas carols, the malls packed full of sickly children, and the muddy, wet and invariably cold slush falling onto my doorstep? Even all of these are tolerable with the right drinks in hand. But, as of late, the holiday season has been getting crammed with stupid holidays. It seems the masterminds behind all of this have been sneaking in these undeserving days while we’re all distracted by elections and carols and suicides. Here I will cover November’s stupid holidays (I might just save December’s for another day… perhaps sometime in December).

  • First, November’s month long observances. November is International Drum Month, National Epilepsy Month (An entire month dedicated to promoting epilepsy? Wrong on two levels!), National Model Railroad Month, and Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month. Let those sink in and try to think of a fun way to celebrate all of them at the same time.
  • November 1st – November 1st is All Saints’ Day, sometimes referred to as All Hallows’ Day (from which Halloween gains its name). Celebrate It: Build yourself a bonfire and pray to the patron saint of saints. Alternatively, go to work and act like you don’t know about this day. The 1st is also National Authors’ Day. Celebrate It: Become a national bestselling author and brag to your friends about how today is for you. And lastly, National Family Literacy Day falls on the first. Celebrate It: Teach your family how to read, or drink heavily.
  • November 2ndNational Deviled Egg Day. Celebrate It: Make deviled eggs and eat them until you throw up.
  • November 3rd – Today is John Montague’s birthday, and he “invented” the sandwich. The day’s not named after him, but rather is called simply Sandwich Day. Celebrate It: Make your favorite sandwich, poison it, and leave it on a sidewalk somewhere.
  • November 4thNational Candy Day hits America, giving you just enough time to recover from your sugar coma suffered on Halloween. Celebrate It: Instead of ingesting your candy orally, like on this holiday’s more well-known sister day, Halloween, ingest your favorite goodies rectally. What fun!
  • November 5thNational Donut Day keeps you from letting your blood sugar levels return to normal yet again. Celebrate It: Dress up like a police officer, head to your local donut shop to buy the famed treats, then use the delicious pastries to lure local neighborhood children into your “squad car.” Also, the 5th is Guy Fawkes Day, also known as Bonfire Night, which celebrates tyranny ruling supreme over upstart rebellions. Celebrate It: Make a giant bonfire in the middle of your street, and light off a bunch of fireworks. Add alcohol as necessary.
  • November 6thBasketball Day marks a day dedicated to athleticism and fitness in a sea of days designated for unhealthy eating habits. Celebrate It: Play basketball on your Xbox or Playstation while eating fast food and drinking lots of soda to stay hydrated.
  • November 7th – Despite protests from sane people, Hug-a-Bear Day continues to be celebrated annually. Originally dreamt up by a five-year-old preschooler in upstate New York, be warned that this exciting day could be hazardous to your health. Celebrate It: Head to Yellowstone National Park or Alaska and, well, try to hug a bear. Help yourself by wearing a jacket made of marshmallows and/or slacks of calves’ liver. Don’t forget, the 8th is also Magazine Day. Celebrate It: Switch things up by reading toilet paper and wiping your ass with a magazine!
  • November 8thX-Ray Day marks the discovery of the x-ray some years back. Celebrate It: Regardless of your health, head to your local emergency room and request a full-body x-ray. Then steal the copies when no ones looking. Alternatively, try to make your own x-ray machine!
  • November 9thParade Day is a day for celebrating parades by not having one. Celebrate It: Watch the History Channel’s special presentation, Famous Parades, made specifically for the great day of November 9th.
  • November 11thVeteran’s Day marks the end of the First World War. Celebrate It: Usually some department stores have a special half-off sale or something of the like, to help us remember our veterans and the sacrifices they’ve made. 25% off a Kashmir cardigan? That’s what I call Bataan Death March Savings!
  • November 12thElizabeth Cady Stanton Day, named after Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who was a women’s rights activist, I think, maybe. Celebrate It: Force your wife to bake a cake and apologize for voting, to help her remember what is was like in the before time.
  • November 13thMom’s and Dad’s Day, a day somehow different from both Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Celebrate It: Don’t, it’s redundant.
  • November 14thNational Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day turns a chore into a reason to have a national holiday. Celebrate It: Take this opportunity to understand that even though you should clean out your fridge more like once a month, making a national holiday for the act insinuates that you only have to do it once a year.
  • November 15thAmerica Recycles Day again turns a chore into a day of celebrating a chore. Celebrate It: Recycle, but to make it special, only recycle on this day that occurs once a year. The 15th hosts another holiday, Pack Your Mom Lunch Day. Celebrate It: Don’t pack lunch for your mom, instead, pack your mom for lunch. Yummy!
  • November 16thButton Day occurs annually on this day. Celebrate It: Realize that even buttons have a day and you don’t.
  • November 17thHomemade Bread Day gives you an excuse to buy a bread maker that you will almost certainly never use and mostly just wastes space on your counter top. Celebrate It: Splurge by buying a really fancy loaf of bread at the store, then putting it in the microwave to make it warm and pretend that you made it yourself. Also, Young Reader’s Day and Take a Hike Day occur on the 17th. Celebrate Them: Force your children to hike alone through a perilous mountain-side trail whilst reading Thomas Pynchon’s classic, Gravity’s Rainbow. And they don’t get to come home until they’re done with both.
  • November 18thWilliam Tell Day marks the anniversary of when William Tell shot an apple of his son’s head in 1315. Celebrate It: Do something markedly stupid and irresponsible, then defend yourself by proclaiming “It’s William Tell Day, and like Mr. Tell, I am standing up against tyranny and the contrived, meaningless laws set forth by the oligarchy and enforced by mindless brutes.” Then, probably, go to jail.
  • November 20th – Here it is, Mexican Revolution Day, clearly marking something important in Mexico’s history. Celebrate It: Remind any Mexican friends you might have that today is Mexican Revolution Day, not Mexican Independence Day. Then ask them politely to pay homage.
  • November 21stWorld Hello Day. Celebrate It: Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, like listening to a Barack Obama speech.
  • November 22ndStop the Violence Day. Celebrate It: Try to elicit violent behavior from everyone you have contact with all day, then tell them to stop the violence.
  • November 23rdNational Cashew Day for all you nut lovers out there. Celebrate It: See how many cashews you can feed to your dog before you have to take him to the vet.
  • November 26th National Cake Day, but be warned, cheesecake isn’t really a cake. Celebrate It: If you don’t have diabetes yet, then that should be your goal by day’s end.
  • November 27thPins and Needles Day. Celebrate It: Try to make your arm or leg fall asleep, then stab it with pins and needles as feeling returns. Also, this day happens to be Thanksgiving Day, which is a rather obscure holiday that I’m not sure how to celebrate. Probably has something to do with bestiality, though.
  • November 30thStay at Home Because You’re Well Day is a day dedicated to flagrant honesty and laziness. Celebrate It: Call into work and say “I’m not coming in today because I’m not feeling sick,” then hang up the phone without waiting for a response. Your boss(es) should already know about this day anyway. Word of warning, however: if you are sick, you will be expected to not only work your shift, but to cover for everyone else who wasn’t able to make it in this day.

So that’s it, there’s only about two legitimate holidays in the whole of these listed here. Keep in mind that with all the days dedicated to eating lots of food, November is the perfect month to pick up bulimia nervosa.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What’s Wrong With Wal-Mart?

Wal-Mart is the store of stores; giant, globalized centers feeding the life blood of the United States (and in Mexico as Wal-Mex). Larger than an aircraft hanger, more displeasing to the eye than an Estonian landfill, and packed from floor to rafter with bulk purchases of savings and elderly employment, Wal-Mart is the Alpha and the Omega of modernized, soulless department stores. K-Mart and ShopKo act as if they are fearlessly crusading to bring about consumer savings in defiance of Wal-Mart’s will, but they both know that if they saw the true face of Wal-Mart, perched high among the clouds atop Mount Bentonville, they would both cease to be.

Wal-Mart also, though, has a bit of a reputation as being “low-brow” and kind of “laymeny”. It has more than once been said before, “only ugly people shop at Wal-Mart.” But this concerns me a good bit; as it is, I shop at Wal-Mart. Is this to saw I am lower than a common man; that I have earned little more than the right to wrestle with society’s lowliest in a coldly designed warehouse?

I had thought about this for quite some time, then the idea came to me to walk about my neighborhood Wal-Mart, peering down the aisles, not for great savings or low prices on the latest off-brand mop heads, but instead to study the people within. Also, I did need to pick up some milk and cereal.

I parked my car in the vast, featureless parking lot, filled mostly with late 1980’s models cars that were running on their last legs, or perhaps had been simply abandoned there. My silver Jetta looked precariously clean; I armed the alarm. “No Corvettes,” I noted. This was a dangerous absence that clearly decreased the likelihood of seeing beautiful people inside the Wals of wall-Mart.

I entered through the exit doors, which is common for a man with the renegade spirit of a rebel renegade who rebels. The greeter eyed me as if she knew of my intentions and viewed them as dubious. I grabbed a cart, and went from aisle to aisle, as if to be shopping, but more so I was viewing my comrade consumers. Beautiful people were very few and far between, but alas, they were present. I hardly saw a person that I viewed as a degenerate. I headed for the cereal aisle to pick up my goods.

In the aisle, with cereal towering high above the floor for what seemed like yards, I saw a mother shopping with her two children, also taking upon the task of purchasing cereal. The kids were begging to get Uncle Walton’s Very Own Choco-tastic Ultra-Flavor generic brand cereal, but she refused, and together they reconciled with Marshmallow Mateys. As the mother turned to get the cereal, one of her children grabbed a bag of Uncle Walton’s chocolate disaster and placed it in the cart, hoping she wouldn’t notice. At first she was angry, but then the innocence of her child’s debauchery must have touched her heart, and the three had a very close, sincere moment together. I forget what exactly happened after that; I was getting some Reese’s cereal at the time. But it had then struck me: ordinary people. It’s just ordinary people who shop at the Wal-Mart; it’s not all lowlife scum and mutated degenerates, it’s just mostly ordinary people. I felt relaxed, and at peace with the warehouse at last. I gathered my remaining goods and headed for the checkout.

My peace had been with me only a few minutes when it died as I arrived the checkout. There I gazed upon three… “people” who were also shopping at the Wal-Mart. They were physically repulsive, and had voices akin to dying crows, and said things a destitute Paris Hilton might say. As much as they horrified me, I could not look away. It was not like passing a terrible car accident from which you cannot look away; no, it was much worse than that. It was more like watching Hurricane Katrina news coverage in the summer of 2005. One who watched could scarcely forget they were seeing a tragedy that had killed thousands of people and displaced many thousands more; a storm that had torn apart families and ruined lives, scattering them across the country like a strong breeze that effortlessly tosses about piles of freshly raked leaves. A disaster that destroyed possessions, homes, relationships, and the reputation of FEMA. One could watch, with hourly freshness, a catastrophe filled with helpless victims, something the federal government apparently found to be hilarious. And with all the despair and death and ugliness of the situation, one could not look away, no matter the effort. Yes, bottle up that idea, and compress it down into three people standing together at the Wal-Mart checkout line, and you will know exactly what I am talking about.

These… these creatures were not like you or I, but beasts among men. They appeared like those seen in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. Or more like a cross between those in The Hills Have Eyes and Wrong Turn… and Swamp Thing… and a pile a rocks. And not a good looking pile of rocks either; a pile divided among pumice and volcanic ash. And perhaps a bit of limestone – their skin was a bit discolored. Yes, they were like the mutated, incestuous offspring between a pile of unhealthy looking rocks and a humanoid mass of vegetable matter who fights to protect his swamp home against the evil exploits of Anton Arcane.

I ran out of the store without paying for my goods. I realized, in terror, that my experiment had yielded the results I most feared: I would now have to shop at Target.

Fucking Wal-Mart.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Woman Kills Doctor with Apple

YAKIMA, Wa – A local woman stands accused of killing a doctor with an apple Thursday morning. Lorena Baldwin, 29, reportedly shot her ex-physician with an apple fired from a potato gun. The impact was great enough that Dr. Greg Abode, 42, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Baldwin was arrested shortly after the incident occurred, as witnesses say she dropped the spud gun after firing on Dr. Abode, then entered her car and immediately crashed into a parked ambulance, delaying her escape. Authorities arrived on the scene and detained her.

Baldwin says she was repeatedly harassed by Abode for the past three months after ending his tenure as her personal physician. “He was hitting on me a lot whenever I would go see him, and I was always like, ‘Don’t you have a wife?’ When he didn’t stop I switched physicians, then things got creepy,” commented Baldwin at the Yakima County Jail.

According to Baldwin, once she started seeing another physician, Abode started stalking her and leaving her phone messages that varied from quasi-sadistic love poems to vague threats of violence. “He once left me a message in French that I later learned was Napoleon’s first love letter to Josephine. Tell me that I shouldn’t have been concerned,” Baldwin said.

According to Baldwin’s family, she had gone to Yakima County police but they refused to take action on the case. Many local resident’s suspect that is because Abode’s brother owns the Yakima County Ski Resort and gives free passes out to the police officers, and even lets them host their annual policeman’s ball at the ski lodge. “Yep, Big Ski’s been trying to run this town for awhile,” said a local resident who asked not to be identified for safety reasons. “They’ve been battling Big Apple for years now.”

Baldwin then began eating apples for every meal of the day in an attempt to keep Abode away from her. “I had heard that an apple a day will keep the doctor away, and I thought it might be my only hope,” said Baldwin. “For about three weeks, my diet consisted only of apples or apple related foods, and it made me very ill, which ironically caused me to go to the doctor’s office frequently. What bullshit.”

Baldwin stated that she then rethought what the phrase meant. “I rethinked [sic], uh, rethunk [sic] about… no… Rethanked [sic] about it, and, uh… That’s not the word I’m looking for. Shit. Well, uh, I thought it over, and I said to myself, ‘maybe I have to physically do something with the apple instead’. Rethought! That’s it; that’s the word – the one I was looking for earlier.”

Baldwin then borrowed her 11 year old nephew’s potato gun, which he had constructed as a project for a science fair. The boy has been arrested for being an accomplice to murder. Baldwin stated she did not intend to kill Abode with the apple, but that’s what happened anyway.

Yakima residents were shocked by the news, the first apple-related death in the county since 2001, when an apple silo cracked open and an avalanche of apples pummeled Felix Burroughs. Burroughs died the next day in the Yakima Valley Memorial Hospital from internal bleeding caused by severe bruising. Many of the apples survived, however, and were acquitted of all charges, going on to make numerous pies.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Page: Completed

Filed under: Food/Drink — Jill Hater @ 9:07 pm
Tags: , ,

So I finally finished spell checking and putting links into The Australian Candidate, the page which now contains my journal entries from my trip to Australia. Go ahead, read it. <breath alignment=under> Fuckers. </breath>

Exhausted from this effort, I am not willing to put in the extra effort required to put together a funny post. So instead, I’ll just leave you with a funny picture I took while in Aussieland.

Better than your poultry
You just can’t get poultry this good in the U.S.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Man Dismissed from Applebee’s for Being “Too Fat”

BIRMINGHAM, Al – A local man went into a Birmingham Applebee’s on Tuesday only to be turned away by the manager for being overweight.

Donyell Starks, 34, went to the Applebee’s for his midafternoon meal. “It was about 3 o’clock,” said Starks, “so I hadn’t eaten in like, a whole hour.” Starks told reporters that he usually eats one or two meals between second-lunch, the second part of his daily two-lunch meal plan, and dinner. “I’ve gone to lots of restaurants, and I’ve even been to this one before with no problems,” said Starks.

The restaurant manager, Dennis Thompson, had just assumed duties last week. “I moved here from Tuscaloosa, where I managed a smaller but highly successful Applebee’s,” Thompson said. Thompson stated he had moved to Birmingham to manage the larger restaurant, helping his career “move in the right direction.”

“When that guy walked in I was like ‘No way, get him out of here,'” said Thompson in regards to Starks entering the restaurant. “I mean, I’m all about serving anybody, and I’ve served some pretty fat people in my day, but this was just damn ridiculous.”

Starks, who claims to “only weigh” 650 pounds, has been said to weigh over 800 pounds, according to neighbors. Charles Swifton, who lives nearby to Starks and was at the Applebee’s at the time, told reporters, “This guy can barely get out of his house. It’s just said, really. Did you know they had to put a special seat in his car just so he could get into it?”

Shortly after Starks arrived at the Applebee’s, Thompson approached him and told him he’d have to leave because he was ‘too fat’. “I just approached him and told him he’d have to leave because he was too fat,” elaborated Thompson. “He asked me what I was talking about, and I laughed a little. Then he got really angry and irrational. I mean, seriously, ‘What are you talking about?’ – Come the fuck on, tubby.”

“I didn’t understand what he was talking about,” Starks commented. “Sure I’m a little overweight, but it’s no problem. And since when can you just not serve somebody because of how they look?” continued Starks. “Last time I checked, that’s discrimination, pal.”

Thompson told Starks he was a fire hazard. “I guess he thought I was joking at first,” said Starks, “because he turned all red, like a little red tomato. Actually, a big red tomato; hey, we could call him ‘Big Red’ – You know, like the chewing gum?” Thompson laughed. “But seriously,” he added, “he was ‘occupying’ our aisle to say the least, and that actually is against the fire code. Plus, do you really think he needed another meal?”

“I’ve never been so embarrassed,” said Starks, who told correspondents that Thompson threatened to call the fire department. “He said, ‘I’ll call the fire marshal and he’ll kick your ass out of here, with a damn crane, if he has to.’ I just decided to be the bigger man and leave.”

“Well, he’s got the bigger man part down, that’s for sure,” commented Thompson. “I’m just glad he left without eating someone’s baby.”

Starks allegedly moved to the area seeking a new life after changing his name and destroying all of his personal contacts in small town Iowa, where he worked as a shipping supervisor for a mid-level market motorcycle supply warehouse. He drives a red Mustang V6 that tilts slightly to the driver’s side and has a special “rhino cage” designed driver’s seat that allows his superfluous frame to fit in the vehicle. No one has ever loved him.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Extra (Stupid) Seasonings

I was intrigued today at work when I noticed a bottle of what, at first glance, appeared to be seasoning salt abounded with pepper. I am one who finds seasoning salt to be one of the best season-ers (word?), as well as one of my top five salts (fuck you, potassium carbonate). What sparked my interest in it even more was that here the only seasonings are regular table salt and ground pepper. Sick. So, this could be the end of my taste bud’s purgatory, for the time being. I went in for a closer look.

Upon further inspection with my eyeballs, I came to realize this was “French fry seasoning” from a company called “Fresh Finds.” So, in all, it was “Fresh Finds French fry seasoning.” Lame. I was curious, however, as to what, if anything, it did. I read the backside of the label.

“The taste sensation you use instead of salt.” One look at the ingredients list says otherwise. Main ingredient: salt. You bastards. You lying, cocksucking, motherfucking bastards. Tell me more.

“Adds extra goodness and flavor to fried potatoes and onions.” Extra goodness? How can you, why did, what, I,… What the fuck does that even mean?! Extra goodness?!?! That’s fucked up, man. Fresh Finds, fire whoever is in charge of writing your promotional labels, because they suck more than the inner-upward vortex of an F5 tornado. On to the last sentence.

“Ideal on steak and pork chops, too.” You have to be kidding me. Who eats pork chops with French fries? I’ve never heard of such nonsense. You might as well write something like “Try it with pizza or ice cream, or both at the same time!” At least that sounds exciting.

To top it off, the picture on the front label says “Suggested Serving” and shows a plate full of nothing but fucking French fuck fries. If the shit is ideal on steak and/or pork chops, why not show that instead? Something tells me they showed French fries because it’s called “French fry seasoning.” Real inventive, fuckwads. I can understand you showing French fries on the front, you know, to help reinforce the fact that it is, in fact, French fry seasoning. But then you say it’s the suggested serving? Why didn’t you suggest it on the back, with all of your other lies/dumbass suggestions?

Lastly, the bottle never mentioned if French fry seasoning was supposed to make your food taste more like French fries, or if it was intended to make French fries taste better. Some say the best advertising invokes curiosity. I haven’t heard much about the advertising that invokes anger, but I’m sure it doesn’t do well.

Fuck Fresh Finds French fry seasoning.