Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

DO NOT REPUBLISH – CONTACT SUPPORT – History Channel to Officially Change Name to Hitler Channel

NEW YORK, NY — History, formerly known as The History Channel, announced today that it will be known as The Hitler Channel starting in 2010.

The American television channel had previously changed its name from The History Channel to just simply History on April 20 of 2008, coincidentally also Hitler’s birthday. Again in celebration of Hitler’s birth, executives announced that on April 20 of 2010 the channel will be renamed to The Hitler Channel.

Harvis Tolmes, the fake Executive Vice President for History’s parent network A&E, said that the move pays tribute to the man who is mostly responsible for the channel’s success. “Without Hitler, I don’t even know if there would still be a channel on TV about history today, let alone two. We owe him a great deal.”

The network had tried to tone down the channel’s image of only broadcasting Hitler related content in the past. “A&E at first thought this was a bad image for the History Channel,” explained Tolmes. A&E created the Military History Channel to partially take the Hitler programming load away from History, “but it hasn’t really worked,” said Tolmes. “Now we’re embracing it, and we think the market will respond positively.”

Tolmes still expects there to be plenty of Hitler to go around for both channels in the future. “The Military History Channel will still be focused on the primarily historical aspects of Hitler, mostly just the factual stuff. But the Hitler Channel will follow in the path of History and focus primarily on made up stuff,” Tolmes said.

The Hitler Channel is expected to continue its frequent broadcasts on Nostradamus and speculative theories about the end of the world featuring quack specialists. “We’ll still have [those kinds of shows],” Tolmes stated, “but just expect there to be a Hitler twist in there somewhere. Did aliens help the ancient Egyptians build pyramids? Maybe, but if they did, did Hitler know about it? And did he have scientists working on unlocking the secrets of the pyramids so he could unleash superior alien technology on the Allies?”

Viewers could also look forward to even more straightforwardly fictional accounts of Hitler. “We’ll have shows about things like, what if Hitler lived in the age of dinosaurs? and stuff like that,” said Tolmes. “Or maybe a sitcom where Hitler accidentally got a girl pregnant in college, and the mother tragically dies so now Hitler, who had no idea about it and now works in a law firm, has to take care of this four-year old that came out of nowhere. Talk about hilarious!”

Tolmes figures the channel to be successful, despite a number of critics and deriders. “When Cartoon Network launched, people said ‘Oh you could never have a channel that shows only cartoons 24 hours a day.’ Same thing with ESPN and sports, only they’re even more successful. Now people want to say ‘You can’t have a channel only about Hitler.’ Not only do we think that’s untrue, we’re planning ahead for possibly other channels based on the success of this one. Maybe a Genghis Khan Channel, or a Napoleon Channel. Heck, we might even have a Mayan Calendar Channel, though it’s hard to see that one working past 2012.”

A&E announced that it had secured the rights to Hitler’s name and likeness, giving them mostly exclusive broadcasting rights. A&E has also purchased the rights to the film The Boys From Brazil from Twentieth Century Fox, which will be played all day on January First as a New Year’s Day marathon, and and 8-10 times a day everyday thereafter.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Taiwan Declares War on Romania Over Santa Record

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Taiwan’s head of state, President Ma Ying-jeou declared war on Romania today, calling the country “arrogant and blatantly out-of-control.” Ying-jeou’s message was prompted by Romania breaking the world record for most Santas in one place on December 21, a record that formerly belonged to Taipei. The gathering in Bucharest of 3,939 people dressed as Santa was confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records at the event, easily smashing Taiwan’s record of 3,618.

“Romania’s actions have been tempting the strong hand of the Republic of China [Taiwan] for too long,” said Ying-jeou, “and this last grievous offense is clearly an attempt to injure our great nation’s honor. Now we will injure the head of Romania with our iron heel. And tanks. Many, many tanks.”

Ying-jeou continued in his speech by calling out Romanian president Traian Băsescu. “I have never spoken to or even seen a picture of President Băsescu, but I am sure that he is weak of heart, and a tyrant that must be overthrown. Also I am told by my advisers that he smells like dirt between a hog’s hoof.” Ying-jeou also questioned the motives of Romanian Prime Minister Emil Boc. “If Prime Minister Boc wishes to avoid war with the mighty Republic of China [Taiwan], then he must call for the immediate execution of all those involved in the Santa record.”

In an address to the nation only a few hours after Ying-jeou’s speech, Romanian President Băsescu told the world, “If war is what Taiwan wants, then war is what we will supply it with.” The president remarked, “Romania is set to defend her land and her trivial records with the blood of all her citizens.” Băsescu said that war was now inevitable, and was assembling a “Coalition of the Not Unwilling” to “wipe the face of tyranny from Taiwan by the rampant extermination of its peoples.”

In a retaliatory message, Taiwan’s Premier, Liu Chao-shiuan said “The current straits are marked with incredulous arrogance,” and asked that Romania’s political leaders refer to Taiwan as the “Republic of China.” He called for an end by trying to organize an impromptu, emergency Santa gathering, which only yielded around 2,500 people dressed in Santa costumes, according to official sources.

“Of course he failed,” said Romanian P.M. Emil Boc, “he is a homosexual. Our belief in Romania is that all people in Taiwan are homosexuals. Although we do not think it is wrong for people to be homosexuals, we do recognize the urgent need to extinguish all forms of life on the island of Taiwan, and salt the earth there with nuclear radiation, and we just think it’s ironic that everything on Taiwan is undoubtedly homosexual. We are surprised that these mutants of the human race are able to survive from generation to generation.”

In response to Boc’s harsh words, an angry mob formed in downtown Taipei calling for immediate response from the government. Eastern Europeans who were traveling through Taipei at the time were captured by the mob and brutally murdered on site, regardless of national affiliation. The government drafted an ultimatum for Romania, calling for war unless “Every citizen commits suicide, but not all at once because we don’t want you guys to have the world record for biggest mass suicide. So spread it out over a couple of days, please.”

Romania’s leaders responded instituting a draft to support its military. President Băsescu told his citizens to “prepare for Total War. All production will be switched to support the war effort against our debaucherous enemy, who must be destroyed for the world to ever find peace again.”

The United Nations security council moved to intervene on the incident, but the motion was blocked by Zhang Yesui, the Chinese ambassador to the U.N. Yesui blocked the motion, citing “We will take care of the puny island nation for you. Please, no worry for the U.N. Great Chinese leaders will peacefully end the war with force, the great force of a million soldiers and tanks so great they cannot be counted by the land’s greatest counters.”

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice called for a peaceful end to the situation, asking NATO to step into the matter. “If we allow the superpower states of Romania and Taiwan to enter into war with each other, it could pull surrounding nations into the struggle, causing a veritable ‘World War’ if you will.” Rice added that a war between the two could have dire economic impact on the world. “A Total War economy in either state would be disastrous,” said Rice. “For instance, Taiwan is our main importer of shoddy toys and unnecessary, easily broken items that are a degree worse than imports from China. And Romania is our chief supplier of bootleg Hungarian porno films.”

Below: The Bucharest Santas
Romanian SantasThe world holds its breathe as it witnesses the 21st Century
equivalent to Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s assassination.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

November: A Month for Stupid Holidays

On November 4th, when the election was called in Obama’s favor, I experienced joyous exuberance, realizing the political campaign season was over. But that was removed on Wednesday morning when I awake to see Christmas decorations on a light pole. Without realizing it, we’d all crossed over into the dreaded holiday season.

Every year I say the same thing: “I don’t think I can make it through another holiday season.” But, ever year there’s also plenty of alcohol abound. It starts with drinking for fun on Halloween, which makes the passing out of candy to tiny ghouls all the more enjoyable. Then its merits turn strictly social by Veteran’s Day, and the drinks pile upon me in isolation by Thanksgiving, giving way to my fear and loathing of the shamelessly capitalist Christmas Spirit. And, for the entire month of December, alcohol is my dear friend and crutch, a dependency churning my insides into a flammable mush concoction and relieving my liver of its duties as it turns to scar tissue. But then it’s all over on December 26th. That calls for celebration, and sobriety has no part in that. The week following Christmas is spent in a drunken haze, and as the calendar turns over, nobody can easily point out that I am the saddest drunk of them all. January 2nd arrives in time for me to check myself into detox just before expiring.

And for what? The never-ending parade of Christmas carols, the malls packed full of sickly children, and the muddy, wet and invariably cold slush falling onto my doorstep? Even all of these are tolerable with the right drinks in hand. But, as of late, the holiday season has been getting crammed with stupid holidays. It seems the masterminds behind all of this have been sneaking in these undeserving days while we’re all distracted by elections and carols and suicides. Here I will cover November’s stupid holidays (I might just save December’s for another day… perhaps sometime in December).

  • First, November’s month long observances. November is International Drum Month, National Epilepsy Month (An entire month dedicated to promoting epilepsy? Wrong on two levels!), National Model Railroad Month, and Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month. Let those sink in and try to think of a fun way to celebrate all of them at the same time.
  • November 1st – November 1st is All Saints’ Day, sometimes referred to as All Hallows’ Day (from which Halloween gains its name). Celebrate It: Build yourself a bonfire and pray to the patron saint of saints. Alternatively, go to work and act like you don’t know about this day. The 1st is also National Authors’ Day. Celebrate It: Become a national bestselling author and brag to your friends about how today is for you. And lastly, National Family Literacy Day falls on the first. Celebrate It: Teach your family how to read, or drink heavily.
  • November 2ndNational Deviled Egg Day. Celebrate It: Make deviled eggs and eat them until you throw up.
  • November 3rd – Today is John Montague’s birthday, and he “invented” the sandwich. The day’s not named after him, but rather is called simply Sandwich Day. Celebrate It: Make your favorite sandwich, poison it, and leave it on a sidewalk somewhere.
  • November 4thNational Candy Day hits America, giving you just enough time to recover from your sugar coma suffered on Halloween. Celebrate It: Instead of ingesting your candy orally, like on this holiday’s more well-known sister day, Halloween, ingest your favorite goodies rectally. What fun!
  • November 5thNational Donut Day keeps you from letting your blood sugar levels return to normal yet again. Celebrate It: Dress up like a police officer, head to your local donut shop to buy the famed treats, then use the delicious pastries to lure local neighborhood children into your “squad car.” Also, the 5th is Guy Fawkes Day, also known as Bonfire Night, which celebrates tyranny ruling supreme over upstart rebellions. Celebrate It: Make a giant bonfire in the middle of your street, and light off a bunch of fireworks. Add alcohol as necessary.
  • November 6thBasketball Day marks a day dedicated to athleticism and fitness in a sea of days designated for unhealthy eating habits. Celebrate It: Play basketball on your Xbox or Playstation while eating fast food and drinking lots of soda to stay hydrated.
  • November 7th – Despite protests from sane people, Hug-a-Bear Day continues to be celebrated annually. Originally dreamt up by a five-year-old preschooler in upstate New York, be warned that this exciting day could be hazardous to your health. Celebrate It: Head to Yellowstone National Park or Alaska and, well, try to hug a bear. Help yourself by wearing a jacket made of marshmallows and/or slacks of calves’ liver. Don’t forget, the 8th is also Magazine Day. Celebrate It: Switch things up by reading toilet paper and wiping your ass with a magazine!
  • November 8thX-Ray Day marks the discovery of the x-ray some years back. Celebrate It: Regardless of your health, head to your local emergency room and request a full-body x-ray. Then steal the copies when no ones looking. Alternatively, try to make your own x-ray machine!
  • November 9thParade Day is a day for celebrating parades by not having one. Celebrate It: Watch the History Channel’s special presentation, Famous Parades, made specifically for the great day of November 9th.
  • November 11thVeteran’s Day marks the end of the First World War. Celebrate It: Usually some department stores have a special half-off sale or something of the like, to help us remember our veterans and the sacrifices they’ve made. 25% off a Kashmir cardigan? That’s what I call Bataan Death March Savings!
  • November 12thElizabeth Cady Stanton Day, named after Elizabeth Cady Stanton, who was a women’s rights activist, I think, maybe. Celebrate It: Force your wife to bake a cake and apologize for voting, to help her remember what is was like in the before time.
  • November 13thMom’s and Dad’s Day, a day somehow different from both Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Celebrate It: Don’t, it’s redundant.
  • November 14thNational Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day turns a chore into a reason to have a national holiday. Celebrate It: Take this opportunity to understand that even though you should clean out your fridge more like once a month, making a national holiday for the act insinuates that you only have to do it once a year.
  • November 15thAmerica Recycles Day again turns a chore into a day of celebrating a chore. Celebrate It: Recycle, but to make it special, only recycle on this day that occurs once a year. The 15th hosts another holiday, Pack Your Mom Lunch Day. Celebrate It: Don’t pack lunch for your mom, instead, pack your mom for lunch. Yummy!
  • November 16thButton Day occurs annually on this day. Celebrate It: Realize that even buttons have a day and you don’t.
  • November 17thHomemade Bread Day gives you an excuse to buy a bread maker that you will almost certainly never use and mostly just wastes space on your counter top. Celebrate It: Splurge by buying a really fancy loaf of bread at the store, then putting it in the microwave to make it warm and pretend that you made it yourself. Also, Young Reader’s Day and Take a Hike Day occur on the 17th. Celebrate Them: Force your children to hike alone through a perilous mountain-side trail whilst reading Thomas Pynchon’s classic, Gravity’s Rainbow. And they don’t get to come home until they’re done with both.
  • November 18thWilliam Tell Day marks the anniversary of when William Tell shot an apple of his son’s head in 1315. Celebrate It: Do something markedly stupid and irresponsible, then defend yourself by proclaiming “It’s William Tell Day, and like Mr. Tell, I am standing up against tyranny and the contrived, meaningless laws set forth by the oligarchy and enforced by mindless brutes.” Then, probably, go to jail.
  • November 20th – Here it is, Mexican Revolution Day, clearly marking something important in Mexico’s history. Celebrate It: Remind any Mexican friends you might have that today is Mexican Revolution Day, not Mexican Independence Day. Then ask them politely to pay homage.
  • November 21stWorld Hello Day. Celebrate It: Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, like listening to a Barack Obama speech.
  • November 22ndStop the Violence Day. Celebrate It: Try to elicit violent behavior from everyone you have contact with all day, then tell them to stop the violence.
  • November 23rdNational Cashew Day for all you nut lovers out there. Celebrate It: See how many cashews you can feed to your dog before you have to take him to the vet.
  • November 26th National Cake Day, but be warned, cheesecake isn’t really a cake. Celebrate It: If you don’t have diabetes yet, then that should be your goal by day’s end.
  • November 27thPins and Needles Day. Celebrate It: Try to make your arm or leg fall asleep, then stab it with pins and needles as feeling returns. Also, this day happens to be Thanksgiving Day, which is a rather obscure holiday that I’m not sure how to celebrate. Probably has something to do with bestiality, though.
  • November 30thStay at Home Because You’re Well Day is a day dedicated to flagrant honesty and laziness. Celebrate It: Call into work and say “I’m not coming in today because I’m not feeling sick,” then hang up the phone without waiting for a response. Your boss(es) should already know about this day anyway. Word of warning, however: if you are sick, you will be expected to not only work your shift, but to cover for everyone else who wasn’t able to make it in this day.

So that’s it, there’s only about two legitimate holidays in the whole of these listed here. Keep in mind that with all the days dedicated to eating lots of food, November is the perfect month to pick up bulimia nervosa.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

February Thirtieth?

Filed under: Holidays — Jill Hater @ 12:38 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Why can’t the Feb get any love?  Even in an extended year, it still doesn’t get thirty days, despite there being several months that have more than thirty days.  The months with 31 days just don’t seem to want to share “the love,” as I call it.

But then again, does February really want to have thirty days?  As it stands right now, February gets a lot of extra attention because of its “special” status of being the only month with fewer than three sets of ten days.  Or ten sets of three days.  Or even six sets of five… [rambling stopped here for brevity – editor].  And because of this, it gets the bonus leap day, which is the rarest of all days, as it only occurs 97 times every 400 years.  (In comparison, all other days occur 400 times every 400 years.)

February has, on occasion, had 30 days.  The Swedes were messing around with it in the early 18th century whilst they tried to change from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian, even though neither of those calendars have a 30-day-February.  The Soviets also fiddled with the idea some 200 years later.  See, a communist calendar is where all the months have the same number of days, even if some months work harder than others.  And that is why communism always fails.

So, in conclusion, February 30th could be a terrible omen.  But it is also a sign of capitalist dominance.  And that’s why February only has 28 days.  Or 29 (sometimes).


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Serial Killer Spotlight: Andrei Chikatilo

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

Andrei Chikatilo was a Soviet serial killer. No, not like Josef Stalin. Like uh, a guy that kills people without political immunity because he’s the ruler of a communist regime. Plus, Chikatilo murdered people himself; he didn’t just simply stand there and order the death of millions of people, like some two-bit dictator.

Like most serial killers, Chikatilo just started killing on weekends or after parties, but he never really meant to get addicted. Fate finds us all at inopportune times, however, and Chikatilo’s life was not really going so well. You see, as a husband and a school teacher, he uh… God, well, fuck – He really did some disturbing stuff I’d rather not mention. Let’s just move onto the murder part.

Chikatilo first killed (we think) in late 1978. He had an old house that he purchased in secret. It was probably just an old get-away place, you know, to escape everyday life and just kind of hang out by oneself and get some g.d. solitude, or even murder some children. Always an opportunist, Chikatilo did it all. He lured a nine-year-old girl into the house, probably using candy or a bike or what-have-you. Then he figured he’d just rape her, since she’s all like nine and weak and stuff. But she struggled, and he sort of like put his knife in her and started stabbing her over and over again, and then she like, died. Huh, weird. Anyway, all that stabbing really got his “motor running”. From that day on, Chikatilo only got true sexual arousal and had his best orgasms when killing women and/or children.

Well, the police were pretty upset about this, as you can imagine. They had some evidence that pointed to Chikatilo, but they were pretty sure that this Alexsander Kravchenko guy (if that is his real name) killed that little girl instead. So they executed him. Hooray for justice!

Chikatilo didn’t kill again until 1982. But when he restarted killing, it was as if you or I were eating Pringles™ brand potato chips: once you pop, you just can’t stop! And no, I’m not getting paid to write that. Between ’82 and ’85 (inclusive), Chikatilo killed about or around 29 people. The police were baffled. Just how in the fuck did Alexsander Kravchenko keep committing these fucking murders? They exhumed him and had him hanged in front of a firing squad. Then they cremated him. “That’ll put an end to all these demented murders,” the Soviet police thought.

The public was overjoyed that the killer had been refound and rekilled, courtesy of the USSR. The Government even responded with a series of “kidnap parades” where Soviet troops took civilians from the streets and detained them in secret facilities to be tortured, killed, and ultimately thrown into the water supply. The best days where when lots of young women betrothed to rich men were put in, because the tap water tasted like hope. Delicious.

Anyway, back to A.C. So he keeps on killing and a couple of other guys get blamed for his murders and end up getting executed. Yay, more kidnap parades! Chikatilo was almost caught by police one day when he was walking around with a handbag that had a couple of amputated tits in it. The police talked to him and noted that he looked suspicious, but never asked to see the contents of the bag. Of course, even if they did, Chikatilo had a perfectly reasonable explanation: they were loaned out to him by a nice lady friend of his whom he murdered. **Wipes hands** And those pigs would be none-the-wiser.

The police did eventually catch him, though, and he ended up confessing to and describing 56 murders. Police were shocked and told him that they thought he only murdered 36 people. Chikatilo famously responded, “Uh, yeah, I made up about twenty of those, so uh, just forget that I even described them with exceptional detail.”

Chikatilo stood trial for 53 of those murders. While on trial, he was kept in a cage in the middle of the courtroom. Some claim it was for his own protection from the victims’ irate families, but I think the court did it as a joke. Gotta love that Russian humor; a little bleak sometimes, though. Anywho, he was convicted of 52 of those murders. The jurors stood-fast on the 53rd charge, claiming, “We’re pretty sure that Alexsander Kravchenko killed that one other person,” despite that particular murder coming years after his re-execution.

Chikatilo was sentenced to death once for each of his 52 convictions. On February 14th, 1994, Russian justice made good on its promise (as a Valentine to the Russian public; how sweet!) as Andrei Chitakilo was executed by a single shot to the back of the head. He was then shot in the back of the head 51 more times. Then he was stabbed through the heart, dipped into a vat of acid, cremated, and his ashes shot off into a rocket that plummeted into the face of the sun, “just to be sure.”

The End.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A Year Ago Today…

Filed under: Hate,Holidays — Jill Hater @ 9:49 pm
Tags: , , ,

I left Korea. Finally! This is a mini-pseudo-holiday for me. It was about damn time. Actually, I could have left Korea sooner, but I chose not to. Why? It’s somewhat difficult to explain…

I was set to leave Korea the same day as someone else I loosely “worked” with. Let’s call him… Meyerz. Yes, that’ll do. Well, Meyerz is a complete fucktard. I mean this guy is incompetent and is always on a miniature power trip. And he’s child like. He’d probably make a dandy Pharaoh. But working in the motorpool or being near me? Not so much.

I could barely stand to be in this man’s presence. What a fucker. But, as I said, I was set to leave the same day as him; February 20th. What to do?

I conducted some shady business and was able to turn the paperwork in my favor and stay in K-town for an additional six days. Hey, I’d waited damn near a year up to that point – What’s an extra week? Bonus: This enabled me to exit country on the same day as my friend, Phil. Cool beans. We even worked it out to be seated next to each other on the plane rides from Seoul to Detroit. Now that’s dandy.

So today I reflect back and say, “Damn, has it really been a year?” It doesn’t seem like it. When I spent my year in Korea it dragged on forever. It probably seemed more like two years. This year, in comparison, flew by. Maybe it’s from my current situation in Kuwait, which forbids me from doing anything remotely fun, entertaining, or amusing. Does time fly faster when you have nothing to do?

In any event, I’m one year closer to leaving the Army. Another three months and I’ll be writing another post about my three year anniversary of entering the service (probably focusing more on my one year left in the service).

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Involuntary Absence

Last week, I failed to commit to ‘blogging’ regularly.  It wasn’t because I didn’t have ideas of what to write on, mind you.  Oh, I have some ideas.  Plenty of ideas.  Don’t believe me?  That’s too bad, because I, uh, I have lots of ideas of what to write about.  Dragons and such.  Try and do better, motherfucker.

Mostly, though, I have been so strung up by work that I truly haven’t had the free time entirely necessary to work on web logs.  Sure, I could have made some half-assed posts here and there, but I’m committed to excellence, damnit.

Sure, I wanted to make post-St. Valentine’s Day posts, or remark about Kosovo, or even talk about dragons, but if I do that, I’m going to at least spend 30 minutes on it.  Would you rather have me write up some shitty post in just five or ten minutes?  You got it pal: today.  But this is it.

It’s not like I didn’t have 30 minutes or even and hour or two of free time during the past week – I had that.  It’s just that, you know, I used that time to watch Mr. Show, and I just got back into Prison Break.  Recently I started watching the third season after neglecting it for so long.  I’m glad I did that.

Sure, I could’ve posted something instead of watching Prison Break, but what the fuck do I get out of it?  Damaged retinas, carpal tunnel syndrome, and vesicointestinal fistula; that’s what I fucking get.  What would you choose?  The answer is obvious.

Of course, I will try to print more fake news stories and other musings when possible.  This coming week will likely be busier than the last, but my ambitions are high.  Well, I gotta piss, so, whatever.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Groundhog Day

Today is of course Groundhog Day, a culturally significant holiday wherein whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow determines how much longer winter will last. This day is celebrated by people observing a groundhog and seeing whether or not he sees his shadow. Exciting!

Clearly, this is one of the most important holidays in North America. Everybody wants winter to end as quickly as possible, and the groundhog has the answers. He knows, I mean, he really knows. But there is a heated dispute among groundhog experts. The cause? This may come as a shock to some, but there are more than one groundhogs living in North America. Which groundhog can we trust?

There are four particularly famous groundhogs that are looked to most in predicting the weather: Punxsutawney Phil from Pennsylvania, Wiarton Willie from Ontario, Staten Island Chuck from New York, and General Beauregard Lee from Georgia. But which one should we watch in lieu of Candlemas?

Experts will tell you that these clearly supernatural animals that can see into the future are “inaccurate” and “wrong over 60% of the time,” but that’s just stupid. Obviously groundhogs know more about the weather than meteorologists; they’ve been around longer.

Punxsutawney Phil has been predicting for 122 years. Impossible you say? Well I have some news for you, this groundhog cannot be killed. He’s like the marmot Highlander. In fact, he can probably sword fight pretty well.

Punxsutawney Phil, The Highlander
There can only be one!

Clearly, Phil here is a competent woodchuck.

What about Wiarton Willie? He’s pretty good, I guess, but he is from Canada; that’s strike one. Also, he died in 1999. I believe that’s strikes two and three. I’d rather put my faith in the immortal Punxsutawney Phil, thank you.

Staten Island Chuck lives in the Staten Island Zoo and is the most well known marmot in all of New York City. A gritty, yet glitzy rodent, Chuck is known for beating up cab drivers on the way to see Broadway musicals. Chuck is also well known for killing fire department dalmatians in order to display his dominance over other city animals. He is also the High Chancellor of New York rodents, making all sorts of executive decisions that impact sewer rats in all five boroughs. He seems like a good candidate, but he has failed to give us an exit strategy for Iraq. Because of this, I highly recommend that you do not listen to Staten Island Chuck.

General Beauregard Lee has a 94% accuracy rating and two doctorate degrees. These are mighty good credentials, but he is named after two American Civil War generals, both of whom fought for the Confederacy, i.e. P.G.T. Beauregard and Robert E. Lee. These men were highly esteemed military leaders, but they lost anyway. These namesakes do not reflect well upon the land beaver in question. Also, Georgia’s pretty far south to be taking in all of this “six extra weeks of winter” stuff anyhow. I would promptly disregard any predictions made by the good Dr. General.

So that’s it. Take advice only from the whistlepig in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. This is his day. The Kurgan be damned!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Racism to End in 2028

Filed under: Fake News,Hate,Holidays — Jill Hater @ 12:03 am
Tags: , , , ,

STANFORD, Ca – A recent study conducted by Stanford University predicts that racism in the United States should end by about the year 2028. Political science Professor Coit Blacker, who co-authored the study with Professor Larry Diamond, told reporters Tuesday that the “findings are indisputable; Racism will most certainly end on or before the year 2028.”

Blacker pointed out that racism has been in steady decline over the past few decades. “With most of today’s racists being older, white men from the southern U.S., the inevitable hand of death should finish off most of racism.” Blacker also stated that anti-racism education introduced to most students during elementary school coupled with effective public awareness programs keeps many younger Americans from becoming racists. Also, the infamous “Court of Public Opinion” heavily chastises those who say or do things regarded as racist.

Blacker did, however, acknowledge that racism could still be breeding, even today, in areas along the U.S. border with Mexico. Blacker stated that education and awareness programs may not be enough to ward off racism against Mexicans in these areas. “What we really need to do is build a big ass wall or an electric fence to keep those fucking Mexicans out of our Goddamn country. If the stinky, river-crossing, wet-backed bastards don’t get in here, then nobody can learn to be racist against them. This is a fool-proof plan, I assure you.”

When questioned if he himself was being racist, Blacker responded, “Uh, my fucking name is ‘Blacker’, dumbass, what do you think? Also, I’m a professor at thee Stanford University. Do you really think they’re going to hire a racist? God, you’re dumb. What are you, Latino?”

The study, which has been three years in the making, was handed out shortly after the press conference. Not released with the original work (but expected to be released in future versions) was a graph used by Blacker to help illustrate his findings to the press. In it, it showed the level of racism throughout key points in America’s history and future, and showed what most Americans in the given time period would consider “barely racist”. The graph is shown below.

Racism Graph

When asked how he figured racism would end in 2028 specifically, Blacker told the press, “That’s twenty years from now. Do you really think racism will still be around in twenty years? You cynical bastards. Mark my words, in twenty years there will be zero racist or prejudice people living in the United States.” Blacker added that racism would probably end on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day or Flag Day, to be more precise.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Suicide Day

Filed under: Holidays — Jill Hater @ 9:27 pm
Tags: , , , ,

For some reason, people in the army love to kill themselves, and the army just can’t figure out exactly why.  I mean, they know there’s no indication that deployments increase the likelihood of suicides (so says this DefenseLink article, although most nongovernment funded news sources will tell you differently), so why do people in the army keep committing suicide?

Well, the army has been out to put a stop to it.  And by “it” I don’t mean “the reasons people commit suicide” I just mean “letting people commit suicide.”  For instance, if somebody thinks that you might just maybe be a little bit of a slight risk of committing suicide, you can be locked in a hospital and kept under constant surveillance until you just plain old decide that you feel better.  And nobody will be there to force those positive feelings out of you; that I can assure you.  (Wink, wink, I’ve got your back industrio-military complex!)

It’s become somewhat common practice for us to have briefs on suicide awareness / prevention (and some would say “assistance” since it just adds to the already overabundance of prolix military briefs we are forced to endure).  And today was that day.  What follows are some of [what I thought were] the most important key points, followed by (in brackets) why [I think] they’re so damned important.

  1. Chaplain sez “Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary situation; A permanent fix to a temporary situation.”  [This is important because it reminds us, more than once, that suicide is merely a permanent fix to a temporary situation.  People who commit suicides are overachievers, just like teachers’ pets.  Good lookin’ out, Chaplain.]
  2. Suicide rates are very very high right now.  [It’s good to know that you’re not alone.]
  3. Chaplain sez “I can reach out and touch you out here, because I can walk around.”  [Our Chaplain reminds us that most of the world’s sexual molesters are not paraplegics.]
  4. If there’s no note, is it still suicide?  [What a great fundamental philosophical question!  However, I think it would be better worded as “If a tree kills itself in the middle of the forest, and no one is around to read the note, is it still suicide?”  Bonus points if the tree had the presence of mind to make the note out of its own pulp, and the pulping process is, in fact, the method of suicide so chosen by the tree.]
  5. Chaplain sez “February is the month with the highest suicide rates.  Somebody once told me that’s because that’s when the bills come in from Christmas.”  [Our Chaplain points out that if, after two months time, you think you’ve spent too much money to show your loved ones just how much you love them, your best option is to kill yourself.  Additional suggestion:  Do it before St. Valentine’s Day, so you don’t have to buy more stuff.]
  6. Men are more successful at suicide than women.  [“More successful at everything” is a comment I heard from the row behind me.  Then I laughed.  Then I thought, “Is successful really the right word to use there?”]
  7. Chaplain sez “We haven’t had any warrant officers kill themselves so far this year.”  [The key word here is this, because “this year” is only eight days old.  It’s a sad proposition for the commissioned officer and enlisted sides of the house.]
  8. Reasons Why People Kill Themselves Reason #7:  Obey the Voices I Hear.  [Awesome!]
  9. Chaplain sez “As an officer, you need to be concerned about your soldiers and things.”  [The chaplain here is dutiful in making sure that we know soldiers are just as important as anything that can be ambiguously termed a “thing”.]
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