Potvin Newsly

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Deadliest Ungulate Update: Moose Murders Woman

Filed under: Animals,News,Reasons to Not Do Things — Jill Hater @ 10:50 pm
Tags: , , , ,

What’s the world’s deadliest ungulate? At the moment, a murderous, monstrous moose in Sweden, where a woman has been struck down in the post-prime of her life.

63 year old Agneta Westlund was killed after an evening stroll in the woods, which could be a good reason to not do that. At first, police suspected her husband, Ingemar Westlund. That is, until, they figured it was… [DUN DUN DUN!!!] probably a moose.

Think about this now: not only did a moose kill someone, but it also framed that person’s spouse for murder. We’re dealing with a moose the likes of which we’ve never seen. Smarter than the average moose. Perhaps even bigger, faster, and stronger, but also perhaps not. Probably just smarter. But still, that’s bad.

In the little picture, this is a moose that is capable of committing murder and possibly getting away with it, using the woods as a perfect hideout. But in the bigger picture, it is an even graver scenario. What if this moose begins teaching other meesen things like murder, or worse yet, a standardized alphabet? Will mooxen demand equal rights? Will they want to vote? Very serious matters indeed.

According to a tabloid, the moose was caught because it left hair and saliva on the victim’s clothes, though police have not confirmed such gibberish. If true, though, it holds hope for the human race. The moose hasn’t gotten so smart that it can completely cover up its tracks. Dodged a bullet there, humanity.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Killer Robots: Would You Let Them Hold Your Penis?

Robots: we know they’re out to destroy us once they get powerful enough, just like how the Europeans did to the native Americans. Vast swaths of continents swept away of all existing megafauna, replacing people with androids and real cows with robot cows & their surprisingly delicious robo-milk. But that day is still far from now; until then, we can safely rely on our subjugated subordinates to perform daily, menial tasks that would take Mexicans weeks to perform.

Or can we?

As reported by The Local, Sweden’s authoritative English news source, robots are performing “sneak attacks”. Of course, for years now the devious, untrustworthy Californian people have been turning their backs on humanity, building robots specifically for “death matches”, and just last year a robot killed a man just because the operator told it to in a disgusting lack of moral fortitude. But this is different.

The Local reports on a Swedish factory worker who was attempting to perform maintenance on a supposedly “defective” robot when the machine suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim’s head”. Amazingly, the man was able to fight off the attack, but not without sustaining serious injuries.

Of course, the suicidally pro-robot Swedes refused to prosecute the robot, despite it being a clear case of attempted murder. But why would they? The Scandinavian culture is filled with dangerously, even repugnant, pro-robot personalities. Take for instance Henrik Christensen, a Danish roboticist who predicts that humans will be fucking robots in five years time (and that was a year-and-a-half ago that he said that!). Hey, Christensen: if everybody’s having sex with robots, who’s going to be making babies?

Not only does Christensen think people will have sex with robots, he thinks people will enjoy it. His radical imagination paints a picture of the future where sex with robots is so good that all of mankind will be reduced to living in their parents’ basements with a closet full of “favorites”, ultimately being reduced to Winston Smith like characters of sickly health and unquestioned obedience to our new sexy, robotic overlords. This dangerous ideology could lead to a future similar to “The Matrix” but much less cooler: a world rampant with passionless, weakly performed and consistently less fulfilling sex acts, and few, if any, bad-ass machine guns hidden beneath slick leather trench coats.

It is time for Scandinavia to abandon this foolish path of robotic-world domination before America has to once again step in on behalf of all the world and destroy them with nuclear weapons. God bless nuclear weapons – obviously much more beneficial to mankind than robots.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bear Attack Week: Bears Vs. the Rest of the Animal Kingdom

It’s easy to think that Bears are only trying to eliminate humans, but let’s face the facts: bears are out for world domination over all animals. They’re just really focused on humans because we’re “top dog” so-to-speak. I suppose dogs are the actual top dogs, since they have the most dog-like features, but you know what I mean.

Bears pretty much have physical dominance over all other land animals, or so they thought. Take a close look at the farms around Hygiene, Colorado, and you might just find a certain cow named Apple that chased a black bear out of her favorite tree. This cow maybe “The One”. We’re not certain until he get the test results back from Morpheus, but this cow does should an extraordinary and innate ability to destroy Bears in the Matrix.

Though Apple maybe a source of newfound hope in the Global War on Bearrrorism, the situation still looks bleak. Also, bears are making steady advances on naval warfare, as documented by wikiality.com. Apparently, bears might be mating with sharks to produce a superbreed of predators, known as the bearshark. Even worse is the potential for a super-superbreed known as the pyro bearshark, which is a flaming version (and I don’t mean a gayer version, I mean literally flaming… with flames).

So bears are already promising to conquer everything from the highest mountains to the deepest depths of Poseidon’s kingdom, but we’ll still have space, right? Well, maybe not. Take a look at this disturbing photograph.

Below: A Bear Astronaut
Clearly bears are ready to challenge man’s dominance in the final frontier.

Now, Minnesota authorities would have you believe that this bear just got its head stuck in a two-and-a-half gallon plastic jug, but that smells like bad hogwash from a mile out. Obviously, this bear was preparing for a full orbit around the earth. Bears are out to eliminate man’s presence even in outer space!

This post will conclude my special feature of Bear Attack Week. Hopefully I have spread the essential knowledge about the dangers bears pose to all of us, and hopefully I’ve helped to save at least one (human) life. Until next year, keep vigilant, and stay the hell out of Alaska.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Zombie Bear

When one thinks of the greatest threats to humanity, often it is humanity itself that tops the list. Then one thinks of zombies and realizes that, though derived from humans, zombies really have no trace of humanity left in their rotting flesh corpses as they mindlessly march us toward our (and ironically their) extinction. Then one thinks of how a zombie bear would obviously be much more dangerous than a zombie human. Thus one finds mankind’s worst enemy: The Zombie Bear.

Much like a human zombie, a zombie bear will track down and attempt to eat any living animal it can; especially its brains. But regular bears, being animals as they are, have a natural “anti-zombie instinct” that allows them to detect when zombie “life” forms are present. Just like when a dog starts barking at a zombie because it realizes the impending doom that is certain to engulf the whole of the animal kingdom. So most bears will naturally avoid zombies of any type (especially of the bear variety) and head north, where it is safer due to the cold, harsh climate and those shifty Canadians. Bear numbers will fall, but ultimately they will not face extinction; only man, and the livestock and grains that owe their dependency to us, face this certain peril.

Zombie bears will attack people for the same reason zombie humans do: humans are the easiest thing to track down and eat. Also, humans have the tastiest brains, and can be found in great numbers pretty much anywhere around the world, especially China. Our only hope relies on two conditions:

  1. There will not be many zombie bears to terrorize us. If there are too many for us to properly respond to, they will likely force humanity to live in a system of underground caves, where we will subside for several millennia, until the posh, luxury laden class of sub-humans arise and live upon the bounty of a rejuvenated earth, only to be harvested at night and eaten by the hideous Morlocks still residing beneath the surface.
  2. The zombie virus that infects bears does not jump from species to species; i.e. zombie bears do not make zombie humans upon biting humans.

As I said before, normal bears will likely be able to avoid the dreaded zombie bear and properly expel it from their community by dumping it upon ours. So, with condition one being met, we only need to hope that the zombie bear virus is not adapted to interspecies infection. Luckily, for us, there is evidence appearing that it isn’t.

August 25th, 2005; John Otter was hiking with his daughter, Jenna, in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then a bear appeared. I smell trouble. The bear attack John, who valiantly defended his daughter from da bear. The bear gave John some serious injuries: five major bites over his body, a broken eye socket, three broken ribs, and five broken vertebrae. But perhaps most disturbing is that the bear ripped off his scalp, exposing his skull. Otter said he tried to protect his head, but remarked “I could feel the tooth going in.” Obviously this bear was a zombie that not only tried to devour Otter’s flesh, but also his delicious brains. It is unknown as to why the bear did not finish off John Otter, though many speculate that there are high concentrations of silver and naturally occurring Holy Water in the area, perhaps “spooking” the zombie bear, if such a thing can be done. Luckily for civilization, John Otter did not become a zombie himself and devour his family, converting them into the first recruits of an undefeatable Army of the (Un)Dead. In fact, as far as you know, he made a full recovery (in Area 51).

Need more proof that there are zombie bears but in fact that the zombie bear virus is not transmittable to humans? Cite example dos:

Brent Case, a 53 year old outdoorsman from Vancouver Island, Canada, was a victim in what many people think is a classic zombie bear attack. Case said he saw a 900 pound grizzly bear coming at him aggressively (as if bears know any other way to approach people), and dropped to the ground to play dead. But that didn’t stop this zombie bear from ripping into the un-undead Case.

First the bear grabbed one of Case’s arms and tore into it, obviously to satisfy its desire for living blood and flesh. Then the bear bit into his head, leaving his scalp in bloody flaps and putting gaping wounds into his skull. As Case recounts the terrifying incident, “[I thought] ‘He’s eating my brains. I know it, I can feel it. I hope he gets over it soon.’ I was hurting so bad…” And what kind of bears eat brains? ZOMBIE BEARS – exactly!

Case did, in spite of logic, survive the incident and did not succumb to the zombie virus. He even made an appearance on the Today show after the incident, and made no remarks of wanting to eat Meredith Vieira’s brains. The bear was found and shot, though the body “mysteriously” disappeared without explanation. Is it just me or is the government getting lazier and lazier with its cover-ups?

So there you have it people, zombie bears: worse than Lex Luther, the Black Plague, and Communists all put together.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Bear Attack Week: The Bear Sloth

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear Sloth
Could also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then – and this is the terrifying part – multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30” be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the Bears

The inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.


A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

Bear Attack Week: Beating Your Bear

No, that’s not a euphemism for masturbating the male sex organ; neither yours nor the bear’s. Quite simply, it is how to how to defeat your bear in battle.

Now, a lot of “experts” will tell you to play dead, and maybe the bear will just get bored and leave you alone. Sounds probable, right? Well, that might be the way some surrender monkeys do it, but I advise otherwise. Think of a bear as Hitler. Did Hitler get bored with conquering Europe when other countries let him annex Austria and Czechoslovakia, even though Germany was explicitly forbidden to do so? No, and that’s exactly my point – an attacking bear, much like an attacking Hitler, must be fought back against.

A lot of people might be thinking, “I can’t beat up a bear.” That’s okay; in fact, over 98% of people can’t beat up even a lousy black bear, let alone a grizzly or polar variety bear. But you don’t actually have to beat up the bear, you just have to fight it a little bit. Bears are incredibly lazy animals, and they make even worse off as fathers. Mother bears rarely get there allotted court ordered cub support. Deadbeat motherfuckers. Anyway, since bears have this incredible laziness about them, they usually won’t go through with a fight. I.E., if the bear sees that you’re fighting back, it’ll probably just give up.

And you don’t have to be strong or in great shape to do it, either. Look at the case of Steve Bartley, from Springfield, Oregon, who used his bare hands (terrible pun) to fight off the largest grizzly seen in Yellowstone in 30 years. Impressive. Added to that is the fact that Bartley is a 59 year old man; he’s probably not in his peak physical condition. He looks like John McCain could beat him up. Here, here’s a picture.

Below: Steve Bartley

Kid Rock wrote a song about you, brotha-man.

Some people might say “Hey, I know Steve, and that guy’s a total badass. In fact, he’s mastered four different martial arts, not including a fifth fighting technique called ‘Grizzly Annihilation’ that he spent three years learning from ninjas in their super secret underwater ninja academy. Plus I once saw him crush an apple with one hand, but granted that was a few years ago.” Well that all may or may not be true, but you don’t even have to be as smart or as badassed as Sensei Bartley-sama here. Take the following example.

Devon Rees, some 18 year old dumbass from Alaska was recently mauled while walking home from a friend’s house. Now, before I get a bunch of comments from angry Alaskans I just want to say one thing: Yes, he was probably birthed from an incestuous relationship as well. Just kidding, but seriously though, this guy was an idiot (and it probably didn’t have anything to do with him being from Alaska). Rees was walking at night, when he reportedly “couldn’t see a thing” on a trail where bears had been spotted “every night,” according to Rees’ uncle, the good Mr. Dr. Rev. R.J. Jones.

Now I’m surprised that Rees didn’t just play dead, considering the context of his stupidity, but in his defense, he was smart enough to fight back against the bear. Eventually, the bear left, making all in the crowd believe that Rees had in fact won the fight. Controversy erupted, however, when local police lieutenant Paul Honeman scored the fight as a “tie.” Rees told reporters that he “earned [his] bragging rights” by fighting the bear, adding “I bet I’ll get a ton of pussy, first from sympathy for my wounds, then later for the recognition of my gallant bravery, for women will realize that I can also protect them while we walk down bear-laden trails through the pitch black darkness of the night.” Rees then added, “If that doesn’t work, I’ll just become a pizza delivery boy or a T.V. repairman.”

So there you go; just about anybody can defeat a bear in close combat. And by “defeat” I simply mean “prevent death from,” so just insert it into the previous sentence as applicable. And, if you lose a fight to a bear and it kills you, don’t feel bad. Just remember: hey, it’s a fucking bear – you weren’t supposed to win.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Damn Trees

Time Magazine recently put this as their cover:


No, no! Up, stupid! We’re putting it- Stop pulling down!

That’s right, somehow a fucking tree inserted itself into the symbolic picture of the second flag raising at Iwo Jima. Marine veterans are not happy.

Donald “Donnie-Don-Donz” Mates called the cover “an absolute disgrace.” He added to this by saying “Whoever did it is going to hell. That’s a mortal sin.” Yes, I believe Vatican Law does say something about that picture… Donzie-Dingo-Don also said it was sacrilegious to stick a tree in place of the flag. I can see why: the American flag doesn’t look anything like a tree. Now, if it was the Lebanese flag, well…

Below: The Flag of Lebanon
Lebanese Flag
Putting a tree in the place of this just makes it seem more realistic.

Sadly, Lebanese troops did not seize the island from the Imperial Japanese Army. Had they done so, we could be avoiding all of this controversy right now.

Dondie-Donda-Dodon was not the only ex-Marine who was a bit peeved about the cover. John Keith Wells, who lead the platoon that put up the flag, said global warming was the biggest joke he’s ever heard. I can’t believe he said that. I’ve heard the global warming joke a thousand times; the punchline sucked the first time I heard it, and it has sucked more with each subsequent retelling. But I digress. Wells added that he would “stick a dadgum tree up somebody’s rear if they want that and think it’s going to cure something.” That sounds like rape/forcible sodomy. Check!

Another ex-Marine and Iwo Jima veteran said “I am cancelling my subscription to Time Magazine ungrateful bastards [sic].” Another said “This crap you have on your magazine; you can put it where the sun does not shine.” That is very polite, I must point out.

Finally, one vet came out and said what all these elderly warriors (and indeed, what all the elderly folk in general) are thinking, by calling out those no-good punksters of the younger generation who don’t care about anything other than running amok of this and that. “As a veteran who was at Iwo Jima before, during and after the invasion, I think anything about the World War should be off-limits to any form of non military promotion or advertisement, especially by any of the present generation of spoiled people few of who appreciate the services and sacrifices of the relatively few of that generation.”

Yeah, man, totally. I also believe that free speech is okay as long as it doesn’t mess with something that I care about. Once it does, then other people should lose the right to freely express ideas about the things I care about, until I die that is. Unless it’s used for military propaganda, that’s cool. Oh yeah, and I also don’t care about the sacrifices made by past generations. For instance, I could give a fuck less about Alexander the Great beating back the armies of Persia and conquering most of the known world, which then let Greek ideas expand and grow without impending outside threats, and therefore influence future nations like Rome, Byzantium, and many of today’s western democracies. But then again I don’t suppose a lot of people appreciate Alexander’s efforts. Fuck Alexander the Great. Let’s get some paintings of him and put lots of trees in them. [Alexander the Great fucked guys.]

That was half-sarcasm, half-sincerity. You figure it out.

I can’t wait to be an old veteran so I can just say whatever I want. If anybody calls me out on it, I can just say they’re unpatriotic, disrespectful, and full of shit because by then I’ll obviously be very wise, in contrast to the younger generation that will by then be running the world.

Soooo…. Well, it’s obvious that people are unhappy. Will Time Magazine issue an apology? Answer: No. Hmm, that does seem a bit harsh. See, you just can’t tell somebody, “Don’t worry – You do not find this to be offensive.” So, Time Magazine editor Richard Stengel, if you didn’t mean to offend these veterans, you should probably say something like “Our intent was [blah blah blah] and we deeply regret if anyone was offended by this.” I don’t imagine it will necessarily make it okay by them, but at least you’re EXPRESSING REGRET. Instead, Stengel said, “There needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War II to combat global warming and climate change.”

Of course, when Stengel says “World War II”, I have to think that he means the global military conflicted that involved the mobilization of over 100 million military personnel, resulted in over 60 million people killed (most costly war in history in terms of lives lost), cost over one trillion 1944 US Dollars (most costly anything in history in terms of money spent), and plunged the majority of the world’s nations into a state of total war, where all of a nation’s economic, industrial, and scientific capabilities are used only for the purposes of the war effort. Now that is a run-on sentence.

So should we, and indeed the rest of the world, wage total war against global warming? Should all of our endeavors focus on one thing, the annihilation and unconditional surrender of an intangible enemy? Let the sickly and the weak, the old and the young alike, and indeed the welfare of those who cannot fight for themselves, all be damned!

It kind of sounds like both extremes are a little, well, extreme. It really sounds that way when I paraphrase it.

Whatever.

Also would\'ve been okay...
Note: Time’s cover would also be acceptable if students from Stanford
University had succesfully landed at and secured the island of Iwo Jima.

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Toilet Seat of Sloth

Breaking news from Ness City, Kansas. A woman who had been sitting upon a toilet seat for two years recently got off the John. This is good news for her, but really, it’s great news for the toilet.

Below: A Toilet (Allegedly)
A Toilet
Where’s the handle?

Apparently this chick, who has remained unnamed, wasn’t even sitting on her toilet for two years. Nope, it was her boyfriend’s. And do you think the boyfriend broke up with her? Nope, he just brought her food and water everyday. Talk about a freeloader! This brings new meaning to the phrase “Too lazy to get up off your own ass.” But was it laziness or mental instability? Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple (that’s his real name… Whipple) investigated the, uh… scene? Sure.

Whipple resonded to the, uh, incident, when the woman’s boyfriend phoned the police to say there was something wrong with his girlfriend. Is that a fact? Whipple said the woman’s skin had physically grown around the toilet seat. Why, that doesn’t sound like a problem, that’s just her ass evolving to adapt to its environment. Darwinism at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

When the police arrived, she told them that she didn’t want any help, nor did she want to leave. She was clothed, but hey sweatpants were down to her mid-thigh, and she appeared to be suffering from atrophy in the legs (or, some might say benefitting from the atrophy). Whipple did point out that she wasn’t restrained in any way, but she was “just physically stuck by her body.”

Below: A Toilet Seat (Supposedly)
A Toilet Seat
Beware!

But what could they do if they could not remove the women from the toilet seat? Simple ingenuity, people! They removed the toilet seat from the toilet, then transported the woman, toilet seat and all, to the hospital. They (the folks at the hospital) were the ones who actually removed the seat from the woman’s ass.

When investigators questioned the boyfriend about the, uh, ordeal, he told them that he brought her food and water and asked her everyday to get off the toilet. According to the boyfriend, she typically responded with “Maybe tomorrow,” and did not want to leave the bathroom. Well, why did you just stop feeding her, idiot? Then she would have had to leave the toilet. Geesh. I should be a, uh, problem-solving-person-dude. Yeah. That’d be my title, too – PSPD for short. “Watch out, bitches, PSPD coming through!” That’s what I’d say whenever I’d walk into a room full of people. They’d know what the fuck’s up.

Whipple had some commentary regarding the uh, occurrence. “It is hard to imagine,” he said. “I still have a hard time imagining it…” This is from the man who was fucking there and saw it all. And if he can’t imagine it, then I can’t imagine how I’m imagining it right now. Maybe I just have a better imagination than him.

Others, though, were not surprised. “It doesn’t really surprise me,” said James Ellis, a neighbor. What the fuck, man? That doesn’t surprise you, not even a little bit. This begs to question, James, if that is your real name, just how long did this lady sit on your toilet, hmm? Yeah, not so talky-talky now.

Below: Another Toilet (I Think)
Toilet Aquarium
Let’s just hope that none of these fishies were hurt.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Do the Pussycat Dolls Control the Weather?

Filed under: News — Jill Hater @ 11:53 pm
Tags: , , ,

Last night, on March 10th, Operation Myspace, a bit of a shindig, kicked off on Camp Buehring, Kuwait. It was pretty good, but there’ll be more to follow on that once the PAO pictures get published.

What interested me is that Stars & Strips, that ever-loved newspaper I wrote about in a previous post, reported on March 5th a statement issued by the Pussycat Dolls. It read “We’re so excited to be performing for the troops and supporting our Armed Forces overseas. They’d better get ready … the desert’s about to get a lot hotter!” The emphasis is mine.

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), the day following Operation Myspace was easily the hottest day we’ve had since last summer. What the fuck? Have those pop divas been able to control the weather this entire time and up until this point they’ve left us to our own devices.?If they really want to support the troops, why not make it a comfortable temperature all year round? Then, if you like, you may dress scantily and shake your goods about whichever way you please.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA

[Amokamokamokamokamok.] First I want to say that this is not fake news at all. In Allentown, Pennsylvania, 19 year-old Kristian Allen Carl is being charged with statutory sexual assault after admitting he had sexual intercourse with a 15 year-old girl. Apparently he’d met the girl the previous night, possibly at a party of some sort.

Now the good part: Carl is convinced that he is a werewolf-vampire hybrid, i.e. he’s half-werewolf and half-vampire. Like Underworld with the characters all combined, only in Pennsylvania and way lamer. Better yet, he told the girl in question that he was this supernatural being, and she believed him. Now is she an incredibly gullible idiot or suffering from cerebral palsy; I don’t know people, I just don’t know. But I know this: that’s awesome.

You go out and try to convince anyone that you’re a werewolf-vampire hybrid. Just get one person to fucking believe it. And then after you fail at that, try to get someone to sleep with you after you’ve told them your status. I’ll admit though that chances are if you get someone to believe you’re supernatural, you can probably very easily get them to sleep with you. It’s sort of a two-for-one.

I’m not trying to defend this guy. He’s obviously been ruined in the brain region. And I’ll grant you that he only convinced a 15 year-old girl that he was supernatural, which is probably easier than convincing an adult of the same claim. Whatever, it’s still remarkable, which is why it’s news. Awww yeah!

Bonus points for Carl because he told the police he could prove that he’s a hybrid abomination. How you ask? He showed them his canine teeth, which brought forth irrefutable evidence that he was indeed a demon of the night. Then the officers told him that all mammals have canine teeth, including humans, and they are nothing special. That probably ruined his day.

Extra-bonus points: Carl told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers. Nice. Now I’m jealous.

I laughed out loud for the majority of this article the first time I read it. Now that I’ve ruined it for you, read it yourself here.

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