Potvin Newsly

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How to: Make a ‘Recession Proof’ Résumé

With today’s economy being what it is, you may find yourself out of a job (if you haven’t already – loser). And with today’s job market being what it is, you might find the going pretty tough. There’s a lot of talk out there about making a “recession proof” résumé. But most of these articles tell you things you already know (or should). Check your spelling, sell yourself, use the right keywords, don’t mention your rape convictions. It’s all a bunch of “blah blah blah” I say. I’m here to help you make a Recession Proof Résumé for real.

  1. Get a Master’s Degree or Higher Level of Education. This might seem like a no-brainer, but most people actually don’t think about it. No matter what your chosen career path is, you should try to get a master’s degree or better to remain competitive in a job market like the one you’re likely to face today. From museum orating to professional basketweaving, all of the fundamental occupations of our society are more open to you when you possess a high-level degree. Even coopers and midwives are finding it hard to get work with just a bachelor’s.
  2. Be Willing to Work for Less Than Minimum Wage. Most “professional” résumé advisors tell you not to put illegal offers such as this in your résumé. Officially, you probably should not. But if you tell potential employers that you’re willing to work under the table for a lower than legal amount, you’re almost assured a job. Employers will like contact you officially and say “Sorry, but we’re looking to go in a different direction.” Then a little later they will contact you from a payphone on a gritty city side-street, unofficially asking you to join their company. And since you’re not on the books, feel free to continue collecting your unemployment checks.
  3. Hone Your Résumé for ‘Recession Proof’ Industries. Part of avoiding the ill-effects of the far-reaching recession is looking at jobs that are usually thought of as unaffected by recessions. Thence you should look at tailoring your résumé to make it more attractive these kinds of employers. For instance, many people consider the movie industry to be “recession proof”. This could be a great line of work if you enjoy performing homosexual acts for career advancement. As such, it would be a good idea to mention this quid pro quo attitude on a résumé being sent to a production studio or talent agency. Other career fields generally thought to be immune to economic hardships are mercenary work, socialist government, and alchemy/classical wizardry.
  4. Don’t Use Threatening Language; Use Passive-Aggressive Language Instead. Placing threatening language in your résumé, such as “If you don’t hire me, I’ll fucking cut your balls off,” could make potential employers feel threatened; hence the term “threatening language”. This could make employers label you as a “psycho” with “the possibility of going ‘postal.’ ” Bad news if you’re trying to get a job. That part’s obvious, but where most people make their mistake is that they use simple, straightforward wording. To most employers, this type of diction labels you as just another work zombie to be tossed about and toyed with. But if you use passive-aggressive language in your résumé, employers may see you as having managerial potential. Help your cause by stating plainly in your résumé that you’re a staunch supporter of malicious compliance of ‘the rules’; this is sure to set you apart from your peers.
  5. Don’t Be Yourself. Unless you’re writing a résumé to get a job where you work for your mother, you should lie about yourself. The fact is that most people, especially employers, don’t want to know you. They want to know the you that you want to be. So don’t be you; instead, you should be the you that you want to be. So make sure that you are that you that you want to be beforehand. Which would then make you that version of you, so if you’ve already done that, then just be you. But if you haven’t, then don’t. I think I’ve made myself clear.

Remember to also heed the basic rules of résumé writing: keep it concise, keep it relevant, use the right ‘key words’, sell yourself, and use proper grammar & spelling. If you do that and use the tips found here, you’ll land some work in no time. Happy job-hunting!

WizardLucrative careers like this are just waiting to be snatched up.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Eagles Fans: How Dare McNabb Lead This Talentless Team to 3rd Place

Filed under: Fake News,Hate,Rape/Forcible Sodomy,Sports — Jill Hater @ 1:57 pm
Tags: ,

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Eagles fans roamed the streets Sunday night, setting fires to cars, shops, and policemen with wanton disregard for the law. At first sight, it might appear the fans were still celebrating the Phillies World Series victory, but they were, in actuality, distressed over their ‘beloved’ Eagles latest loss in the National Football Conference Championship Game.

“I blame this on Donovan [McNabb],” said one local fan/arsonist. “How could he play such terrible defense in the first half and just let Larry Fitzgerald catch three touchdowns? On top of that, he only threw for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s unacceptable, and it’s high time he’s been run out of town.”

Other fans felt the same way. “McNabb? Yeah, that guy sucks!” exclaimed one fan who was raping a hobo that he later planned to set fire to. “How could he just let [Cardinals’ QB Kurt] Warner complete that touchdown pass to [Cardinals’ RB Tim] Hightower for the game winning touchdown?” The fan added, “Yeah, if McNabb was here right now, I’d castrate him and light him on fire. Bastard.”

Another fan felt the same way, but also threw Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid into the mix. “Donovan basically forced [Eagles’ WR] Kevin Curtis to drop that pass on fourth down, a pass that an NFL receiver should reasonably be expected to catch. Obviously, that’s Donovan’s fault,” adding, “And maybe pass interference should have been called on that play, but I bet Andy Reid told the officials that he agreed totally with the non-call, and probably would have protested any sort of penalty.”

Still more fans agreed with the negative comments surrounding coach Reid. “On that last scoring drive by Arizona,” remarked one fan, “they converted on a 4th-and-1. If Andy Reid had been out there playing nose tackle to make the stop instead of eating a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich on the sidelines, then maybe I wouldn’t be filling this van with explosives right now.” The fan also added, “Seriously man, get the hell out of Philadelphia before it’s too late.”

Reporters found one person who was not setting fire to puppies or desecrating corpses. Instead they were moving items out of their apartment. “I’m reasonable, and leaving,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I understand that McNabb did his best, and the loss isn’t really his fault. The defense didn’t stop Arizona at all in the first half, and they didn’t stop the Cards on their last scoring drive. And McNabb can’t help it that he has a below average corps of receivers and an injured [Michael] Westbrook.” The moderate, reasonable fan then added, “I can’t continue to live around these assholes, so I’m leaving Philadelphia; the city with the worst, most ungrateful fans in the world.”

Monday, April 21, 2008

Damn Trees

Time Magazine recently put this as their cover:


No, no! Up, stupid! We’re putting it- Stop pulling down!

That’s right, somehow a fucking tree inserted itself into the symbolic picture of the second flag raising at Iwo Jima. Marine veterans are not happy.

Donald “Donnie-Don-Donz” Mates called the cover “an absolute disgrace.” He added to this by saying “Whoever did it is going to hell. That’s a mortal sin.” Yes, I believe Vatican Law does say something about that picture… Donzie-Dingo-Don also said it was sacrilegious to stick a tree in place of the flag. I can see why: the American flag doesn’t look anything like a tree. Now, if it was the Lebanese flag, well…

Below: The Flag of Lebanon
Lebanese Flag
Putting a tree in the place of this just makes it seem more realistic.

Sadly, Lebanese troops did not seize the island from the Imperial Japanese Army. Had they done so, we could be avoiding all of this controversy right now.

Dondie-Donda-Dodon was not the only ex-Marine who was a bit peeved about the cover. John Keith Wells, who lead the platoon that put up the flag, said global warming was the biggest joke he’s ever heard. I can’t believe he said that. I’ve heard the global warming joke a thousand times; the punchline sucked the first time I heard it, and it has sucked more with each subsequent retelling. But I digress. Wells added that he would “stick a dadgum tree up somebody’s rear if they want that and think it’s going to cure something.” That sounds like rape/forcible sodomy. Check!

Another ex-Marine and Iwo Jima veteran said “I am cancelling my subscription to Time Magazine ungrateful bastards [sic].” Another said “This crap you have on your magazine; you can put it where the sun does not shine.” That is very polite, I must point out.

Finally, one vet came out and said what all these elderly warriors (and indeed, what all the elderly folk in general) are thinking, by calling out those no-good punksters of the younger generation who don’t care about anything other than running amok of this and that. “As a veteran who was at Iwo Jima before, during and after the invasion, I think anything about the World War should be off-limits to any form of non military promotion or advertisement, especially by any of the present generation of spoiled people few of who appreciate the services and sacrifices of the relatively few of that generation.”

Yeah, man, totally. I also believe that free speech is okay as long as it doesn’t mess with something that I care about. Once it does, then other people should lose the right to freely express ideas about the things I care about, until I die that is. Unless it’s used for military propaganda, that’s cool. Oh yeah, and I also don’t care about the sacrifices made by past generations. For instance, I could give a fuck less about Alexander the Great beating back the armies of Persia and conquering most of the known world, which then let Greek ideas expand and grow without impending outside threats, and therefore influence future nations like Rome, Byzantium, and many of today’s western democracies. But then again I don’t suppose a lot of people appreciate Alexander’s efforts. Fuck Alexander the Great. Let’s get some paintings of him and put lots of trees in them. [Alexander the Great fucked guys.]

That was half-sarcasm, half-sincerity. You figure it out.

I can’t wait to be an old veteran so I can just say whatever I want. If anybody calls me out on it, I can just say they’re unpatriotic, disrespectful, and full of shit because by then I’ll obviously be very wise, in contrast to the younger generation that will by then be running the world.

Soooo…. Well, it’s obvious that people are unhappy. Will Time Magazine issue an apology? Answer: No. Hmm, that does seem a bit harsh. See, you just can’t tell somebody, “Don’t worry – You do not find this to be offensive.” So, Time Magazine editor Richard Stengel, if you didn’t mean to offend these veterans, you should probably say something like “Our intent was [blah blah blah] and we deeply regret if anyone was offended by this.” I don’t imagine it will necessarily make it okay by them, but at least you’re EXPRESSING REGRET. Instead, Stengel said, “There needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War II to combat global warming and climate change.”

Of course, when Stengel says “World War II”, I have to think that he means the global military conflicted that involved the mobilization of over 100 million military personnel, resulted in over 60 million people killed (most costly war in history in terms of lives lost), cost over one trillion 1944 US Dollars (most costly anything in history in terms of money spent), and plunged the majority of the world’s nations into a state of total war, where all of a nation’s economic, industrial, and scientific capabilities are used only for the purposes of the war effort. Now that is a run-on sentence.

So should we, and indeed the rest of the world, wage total war against global warming? Should all of our endeavors focus on one thing, the annihilation and unconditional surrender of an intangible enemy? Let the sickly and the weak, the old and the young alike, and indeed the welfare of those who cannot fight for themselves, all be damned!

It kind of sounds like both extremes are a little, well, extreme. It really sounds that way when I paraphrase it.

Whatever.

Also would\'ve been okay...
Note: Time’s cover would also be acceptable if students from Stanford
University had succesfully landed at and secured the island of Iwo Jima.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Serial Killer Spotlight: Delfina & María de Jesús González

Welcome to a very special edition of the Serial Killer Spotlight. This edition features a serial killing duet; two sisters from Mexico who owned and operated the surprisingly successful “Bordello from Hell”, though really, that’s quite harsh. Mexico’s not quite hell on earth. Maybe it should have just been called “The Bordello from the Really Shitty Part of Mexico”. In either case, I can’t imagine a name like that attracting many customers.

The Bordello... from HELL
Quite frankly, the dripping blood is kind of a turn off.

It’s also a “special edition” because almost no information about the two appear on the internet. Here’s the gist of what you can find out there:

  • The sisters are from Guanajuato, Mexico.
  • The whorehouse’s real name was Rancho El Ángel.
  • The sisters recruited women through help-wanted ads. If the women became too ill, too “damaged” from repeated rapes, lost their appeal, or refused to please customers, the sisters killed them.
  • They also killed customers who came with a lot of cash on hand.
  • On the brothel’s grounds, police found the bodies of 80 women, 11 men, and several fetuses.
  • The sisters were each sentenced to 40 years in prison in 1964.

That’s about it. If anybody finds more information about them on the web, please feel free to leave a link in the comments. Barring that, however, I will proceed to fabricate a story surrounding these two.

It was late 1945. The second World War had just ended, but Mexico was left largely unscarred. In a small, but bustling city some 200 miles north of Mexico City, two sisters were trying hard to make ends meet in a local butcher shop.

(Delfina walks in the butcher shop backroom as María violently hacks away at a side of beef.)
Delfina: María! What are you doing? You have to have surgical precision in order to make the right cuts.
María: Sorry, mi hermana. I’m just so frustrated.
Delfina: Why so?
María: We work so hard for so little at this tiny shop. I know we could do better.
Delfina: Pero, we have no skills other than slaying beasts dead and cutting them to bits.
María: Well, maybe we have some other skills that we just don’t know about yet.
Delfina: That’s stupid. You’re stupid.
María: Whatever, pueta. Oh looky, un cliente!
(Both women rush out of the backroom and into the front of the shop to greet the customer, a homely but well-dressed American man.)
Man: Hey there, ladies, you speaka ingles?
María (wields a butcher’s blade like a deranged maniac): Keep talking to us like that and I’ll cut off your balls, gringo!
Man: Excuse me?
Delfina (sternly, to María): Knock it off or you’ll scare him away, stupid! (Turns to man) You’ll have to excuse mi hermana, she’s diabetic.
Man: Oh, I see.
Delfina: Well, what can we do for you, mister?
Man: Um, I’m looking for sex.
Delfina: Oh, well, uh…
Man: I’ll pay for it if I have to. Are you ladies selling sex here?
Delfina: Well, no, just meat really. Can we interest you in some fine-
María (interrupts Delfina): Hey, uh, yeah; there’s a place down the street. The girls down there will satisfy your needs.
Man: How do I know you’re not just putting me on?
María (seductively): Gringo, I know what you want, and how you want it. (Licks lips) Go get some honey.
Man: SOLD!
(Man walks out.)
Delfina (shouting): And when you’re done, come back for some cold cuts! (To María) You’re something else, mi hermana!
María: Yeah, I guess I can really pimp the ho’s.
Delfina: Wow, you really did have a hidden talent all along!
María: Hey, you’re right! Now you’re stupid!
Delfina: If only there was a way we could make full use of your ability to sell women and my ability to slice open animals with disturbing exactness.
(Both women silently sit for a moment, deep in thought. Suddenly, they simultaneously turn to each other with huge, knowing smiles on their faces. Thus, the deadliest procuresses in the world decided on their most successful and terrifying business endeavor.)

And the rest is history.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Serial Killer Spotlight: Andrei Chikatilo

[This post originally part of the Potvin Spotlight series.]

Andrei Chikatilo was a Soviet serial killer. No, not like Josef Stalin. Like uh, a guy that kills people without political immunity because he’s the ruler of a communist regime. Plus, Chikatilo murdered people himself; he didn’t just simply stand there and order the death of millions of people, like some two-bit dictator.

Like most serial killers, Chikatilo just started killing on weekends or after parties, but he never really meant to get addicted. Fate finds us all at inopportune times, however, and Chikatilo’s life was not really going so well. You see, as a husband and a school teacher, he uh… God, well, fuck – He really did some disturbing stuff I’d rather not mention. Let’s just move onto the murder part.

Chikatilo first killed (we think) in late 1978. He had an old house that he purchased in secret. It was probably just an old get-away place, you know, to escape everyday life and just kind of hang out by oneself and get some g.d. solitude, or even murder some children. Always an opportunist, Chikatilo did it all. He lured a nine-year-old girl into the house, probably using candy or a bike or what-have-you. Then he figured he’d just rape her, since she’s all like nine and weak and stuff. But she struggled, and he sort of like put his knife in her and started stabbing her over and over again, and then she like, died. Huh, weird. Anyway, all that stabbing really got his “motor running”. From that day on, Chikatilo only got true sexual arousal and had his best orgasms when killing women and/or children.

Well, the police were pretty upset about this, as you can imagine. They had some evidence that pointed to Chikatilo, but they were pretty sure that this Alexsander Kravchenko guy (if that is his real name) killed that little girl instead. So they executed him. Hooray for justice!

Chikatilo didn’t kill again until 1982. But when he restarted killing, it was as if you or I were eating Pringles™ brand potato chips: once you pop, you just can’t stop! And no, I’m not getting paid to write that. Between ’82 and ’85 (inclusive), Chikatilo killed about or around 29 people. The police were baffled. Just how in the fuck did Alexsander Kravchenko keep committing these fucking murders? They exhumed him and had him hanged in front of a firing squad. Then they cremated him. “That’ll put an end to all these demented murders,” the Soviet police thought.

The public was overjoyed that the killer had been refound and rekilled, courtesy of the USSR. The Government even responded with a series of “kidnap parades” where Soviet troops took civilians from the streets and detained them in secret facilities to be tortured, killed, and ultimately thrown into the water supply. The best days where when lots of young women betrothed to rich men were put in, because the tap water tasted like hope. Delicious.

Anyway, back to A.C. So he keeps on killing and a couple of other guys get blamed for his murders and end up getting executed. Yay, more kidnap parades! Chikatilo was almost caught by police one day when he was walking around with a handbag that had a couple of amputated tits in it. The police talked to him and noted that he looked suspicious, but never asked to see the contents of the bag. Of course, even if they did, Chikatilo had a perfectly reasonable explanation: they were loaned out to him by a nice lady friend of his whom he murdered. **Wipes hands** And those pigs would be none-the-wiser.

The police did eventually catch him, though, and he ended up confessing to and describing 56 murders. Police were shocked and told him that they thought he only murdered 36 people. Chikatilo famously responded, “Uh, yeah, I made up about twenty of those, so uh, just forget that I even described them with exceptional detail.”

Chikatilo stood trial for 53 of those murders. While on trial, he was kept in a cage in the middle of the courtroom. Some claim it was for his own protection from the victims’ irate families, but I think the court did it as a joke. Gotta love that Russian humor; a little bleak sometimes, though. Anywho, he was convicted of 52 of those murders. The jurors stood-fast on the 53rd charge, claiming, “We’re pretty sure that Alexsander Kravchenko killed that one other person,” despite that particular murder coming years after his re-execution.

Chikatilo was sentenced to death once for each of his 52 convictions. On February 14th, 1994, Russian justice made good on its promise (as a Valentine to the Russian public; how sweet!) as Andrei Chitakilo was executed by a single shot to the back of the head. He was then shot in the back of the head 51 more times. Then he was stabbed through the heart, dipped into a vat of acid, cremated, and his ashes shot off into a rocket that plummeted into the face of the sun, “just to be sure.”

The End.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Captured Iraqi Pleads for Equal Treatment

[Note: This post authored by Phil, and I present the work on his behalf.]

BAGHDAD, Iraq – Firas Anwar Al-Kashif, 28, was brought on record this week upon demanding that he be treated “just as poorly” as darker-skinned Iraqis in custody at an unamed detention facility controlled by the U.S. military.  “When I had heard about the Equal Opportunity policy offered by Americans, I asked myself: ‘why must I be subjected to jumper-cable nipple-clamps while wearing underwear, when my naked bretheren shit their pants when confronted with enraged police dogs?'” reflected Al-Kashif on Wednesday.  “I also hate the fact that I have to wear the tan burlap hood with eye-holes, while others are forced to wear black or dark brown hoods, usually filled with scorpions.”
 
Brigadier General Mark Cornwall, Chief of Detainee Operations, was not available for comment, however Pvt. First Class Abraham Jensen was more than happy to answer questions promptly.  “I seriously thought [Al-Kashif] was this Mexican kink that worked in finance.  No idea [sic] that he was a real detainee,” Jensen admitted.  Staff Sergeant Yolanda Ruth also offered, “He responded so well to the ‘used anal-bead face-whipping’ that we felt positive reinforcement was the only course of action.”
 
In a country where racisim is on the decline (Iraq, not America) it becomes important for the United States to put its “least fucked-up foot forward”.  Thankfully, today’s Equal Employment Opportunity is not without representation within our military ranks.  The issue raised is to whom or where does it apply?  Al-Kashif is the first detainee to ask this question from the recieving end, so-to-speak.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf Running Amok in PA

[Amokamokamokamokamok.] First I want to say that this is not fake news at all. In Allentown, Pennsylvania, 19 year-old Kristian Allen Carl is being charged with statutory sexual assault after admitting he had sexual intercourse with a 15 year-old girl. Apparently he’d met the girl the previous night, possibly at a party of some sort.

Now the good part: Carl is convinced that he is a werewolf-vampire hybrid, i.e. he’s half-werewolf and half-vampire. Like Underworld with the characters all combined, only in Pennsylvania and way lamer. Better yet, he told the girl in question that he was this supernatural being, and she believed him. Now is she an incredibly gullible idiot or suffering from cerebral palsy; I don’t know people, I just don’t know. But I know this: that’s awesome.

You go out and try to convince anyone that you’re a werewolf-vampire hybrid. Just get one person to fucking believe it. And then after you fail at that, try to get someone to sleep with you after you’ve told them your status. I’ll admit though that chances are if you get someone to believe you’re supernatural, you can probably very easily get them to sleep with you. It’s sort of a two-for-one.

I’m not trying to defend this guy. He’s obviously been ruined in the brain region. And I’ll grant you that he only convinced a 15 year-old girl that he was supernatural, which is probably easier than convincing an adult of the same claim. Whatever, it’s still remarkable, which is why it’s news. Awww yeah!

Bonus points for Carl because he told the police he could prove that he’s a hybrid abomination. How you ask? He showed them his canine teeth, which brought forth irrefutable evidence that he was indeed a demon of the night. Then the officers told him that all mammals have canine teeth, including humans, and they are nothing special. That probably ruined his day.

Extra-bonus points: Carl told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers. Nice. Now I’m jealous.

I laughed out loud for the majority of this article the first time I read it. Now that I’ve ruined it for you, read it yourself here.

Monday, January 28, 2008

How to Be a Good Stand-Up Comedian

Some time ago, I performed stand-up for a “talent audition” of sorts. It was for a Christmas show or something, and the best auditioners (word?) would get to perform at the show. You could showcase any talent, but since talents not relating to sports (read “football”) are lame, I auditioned while doing stand-up (more of a skill, really). I think I did pretty well, but nobody else showed up. So ultimately, the whole thing got scrapped; No show, no stand-up, nothing.

Despite my disappointment in the whole ordeal, it reinvigorated my passion for stand-up routines. So I thought, “Even though I’m not a professional comedian, and even though I don’t perform on a regular basis, and even though I’ve never done large shows, and even though I’m probably not that good, I should share my knowledge to help other aspiring stand-up comedians.” So here it is, ten tips for suck-cess.

  1. Steal Material From Other People – Most people will tell you that the “Golden Rule” of comedy is to never steal the work of others. Well, most people aren’t fucking famous, are they? The trick here is to do it discretely, that way no one will call you out/have their lawyers contact you. For example, instead of doing George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV” routine, do “Six Words You Can’t Say on the Radio.” Actually, wait, don’t do that; I’m gonna use it. I called it, and don’t fucking steal material from me.
  2. Don’t Fucking Steal Material From Me – Just don’t.
  3. Lists of Three – Whenever you list things while doing stand-up, try to keep your list down to a nice, even, perfect square, composite three. For instance, if you were doing a joke on “The Best Ways to Rape Hillary Duff”, you’d only want to list the three funniest ways, despite there being nearly countless preconceived and well thought out possibilities. I don’t recommend it, though, as most people find jokes concerning Hillary Duff to be offensive.
  4. Am I Fucking Stupid? – What did I just write about lists of three? Fucking idiot.
  5. Steal Material From Other People – See step 1.
  6. Steal Material From Other People – See steps 1, 5.
  7. “Call Back” Jokes – Call back jokes can be especially funny if used by a master of the comedic arts. It’s pretty simple: You take a joke and relate it (somehow) to a seemingly unrelated joke used earlier during your act. Actually…
  8. Steal Material From Other People – (A terrible example of a call back joke.)
  9. Blatant/Unrestricted Use of Vulgar Language – In stand-up, this is sometimes called “going blue” though nobody knows why. Swearing can sometimes enhance is the main and only staple of comedy. Typically, the more swearing, the funnier the show (always). To improve your swearing technique, I recommend studying one of the masters of profanity, the always funny, very tasteful, never offensive but still edgy Michael Richards; Class act all the way.
  10. Never Steal Material From Other People – This is typically regarded as the “Golden Rule” of comedy. No matter what, never steal someone else’s work.

You should now be ready to conquer the comedic world. Also, never rehearse, as improv is always funny. If you suck at improv, that’s okay, because watching somebody die on stage is also funny. Go, minions, be funny.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Michael Jackson Declines Joining New Music Group

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – The North American Man/Boy Love Association, better known to some by the acronym NAMBLA, recently issued a press release saying that Michael Jackson has declined their invitation to join their newest public relations project.

The project, which was kept secret until as of late, is a band that is intended to “soften the public’s rage” over NAMBLA’s advocacy of pedophilia and child molestation.  Kevin Brown, a self-proclaimed boy-fucker and NAMBLA member, is heading the project.  “Basically, we figured we could come up with a band, you know, like a parody band, so it would make people laugh.  Maybe if people laughed more, they’d let us have more sex with underage non-consenting boys.”

The parody band, named Boyz IV Men, has yet to materialize with any members, but NAMBLA constituents remain hopeful.  Brown recalled that Michael Jackson “was initially excited about the opportunity” but ultimately declined stating that he doesn’t “do parodies.”

Lance Bass, N*SYNC’s gay ex-member, was also approached, but told NAMBLA that he didn’t want to ruin his life more than he already has.

“It’s been tough, real tough,” said Brown, referring to the struggles of jump-starting the would-be musical ensemble.  “We almost had Weird Al, but he got really pissy when he heard we also sent an invitation to Cletus T. Judd.  You know, we just figured these guys are the best in the parody businness, so why not ask them?”

“Weird Al” Yankovic has not made a public statement, but his publicist did release the following: “Cletus T. Judd is just a hack that gets his ‘success’ from the hard work of others.  He does little more than take good songs and ruins them in an attempt to make them funny, which he does not.  My client [Yankovic] makes funny parodies, as he does not suck, and does not have any interest in being a part of a band that also supports Mr. Judd.”  When asked about the “sex with little boys” part, the publicist said “Uh, I’m not sure if Alfred [Yankovic] was opposed to that or not, but he didn’t mention it.  My guess is that he doesn’t care; He’s very open-minded, you know.”

Brown remarked that he’s disappointed in Yankovic’s decision, but said that he “totally understood what he was talking about.”  Brown also stated that NAMBLA had not yet recieved a call-back from Mr. Judd, but said he felt confident that Judd would be on board sometime later this month.

“We really felt we had a golden opportunity with Michael [Jackson], though,” expressed Brown.  “We really thought it could be win-win; Boyz IV Men would get a ton of publicity because him and I think it’d really help our public image, and he could revive his career in addition to getting lots of time to commit statutory rape with prepubescent boys, likely without facing criminal charges.”

Brown said NAMBLA was also working on numerous other projects to improve their image, such as poster showing a naked boy weeping in a corner while an older man sits in a recliner, smoking a cigar; a commercial informing viewers that “taking candy from strangers is okay, and strongly encouraged, unless you’re a girl”; and promotional billboards posting phrases like “Ever Wonder What It Would Be Like With a 12 YO Boy?” and “Get On Par With The Vatican”, among others.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Ultimate Chess

In Cranston, Rhode Island, at the Adult Correctional Facility, inmates had a few more tricks up their sleeves than just queen-side castling and the occasional en passant in their chess matches. Here in the minimum security prison, the chess club was being used as a front organization for a fight club.

Fucking A.

I found this article in the newspaper. (Also found here in an article from the ProJo.) It was the most newsworthy article of them all, and truly deserved to be on the front page. It was on page seven. Close enough; Tiny victories.

Turns out, the correctional officers had no idea until they noticed inmates with bruises on their heads and knuckles. Then an investigation was launched. 10 inmates were sentenced to a higher security prison.

Think that’ll stop Prison Chess Fight Club? Not a chance. Ten days later another ten inmates were sentenced to a higher security facility. Did any of the staff condone the activities? Probably. If I was warden, this would just about be mandated.

The prisoners were able to keep their secret “fight club” under wraps by using grade school tactics. The inmates likely posted a sentry at the door of the “fight room” (aptly named), so that the fighting would stop when a guard approached. Nice…!

But these prisoners weren’t doing this for just fun and games, mind you. Many inmates gambled on the matches, and, most impressively, they had a makeshift championship belt. They cut it out of a magazine, and the belt was given to the best fighter.

YOU ARE THE BURGER KING! FUCK YEAH!

Tracey Poole, a Department of Corrections spokeswoman, said “This is the first time we have been aware of any ultimate fighting going on.” So what? Have you been aware of lesser forms of fight clubs? Ultimate fighting is, as its name implies, the ultimate form of fighting. Maybe boxing, or even slap fights have been taking place, under the guise of a checkers tournament or a backgammon posse? If those absurd accusations I’ve just laid forth are true, then you should’ve seen this coming from a mile away, Tracey.

The penultimate unintended joke from the article stated that Christopher Suarez, 22, of Woonsocket (Rhode Island?) was the current Ultimate Fighting Champion of the Cranston facility. Good for him. Lastly it stated that he’s serving 16 months for a felony assault for when he and three other men brutally beat up a young man and his girlfriend. I bet he won that fight, too.

This web log dedicated to Christopher “Ass-kicker” Suarez, Cranston Adult Correctional Facility Ultimate Fighting Champion and total badass/felon/societal scum.

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